Husband would rather divorce than seek counselling
Sorry this is long but I really need some advice right now.
I’m a revert (F,23) married to a born Muslim (M, 24). I am European and he is Arab.
We originally started dating 4 years ago. He was not practicing/religious at all, and I had an interest in Islam (before meeting him) but wasn’t practicing. We dated for around 1 year until we both became more serious about practicing Islam and decided to seperate for the sake of Allah SWT (with the intention of marriage). I know normally it’s a big red flag for Muslim men to date but my husband genuinely didn’t know anything about his deen at the time, as his family is not religious. Once we started educating ourselves on Islam we separated straight away.
We got married 6 months later, and have been happily married for 3 years now. Here’s the issue… my husband and I both have a past which we were completely open and transparent about when we met. We don’t know details about each other’s past, just that there were other relationships before us. 2 years into the marriage he realised me having a past is a problem for him (even though he has one too). He couldn’t look at me the same and we almost got divorced because of it. He made lots of duaas and prayed tahajjud every night to save our marriage, and eventually he moved past it and things were normal alhamdullilah. Unfortunately now the same issue has resurfaced a year later.
He said that he doesn’t believe it’s something he can fully get over, since it’s been a year and the thoughts still bother him every now and then. He believes he can try to ignore it for now but he’ll never be able to fully get over it, and it will eventually lead to bigger problems and divorce later on down the track.
We had a big discussion about why it bothers him, especially since he also had a past. He genuinely cannot give me a valid reason, other than ‘it’s just different for a man and woman’. Essentially his belief is that while it’s haram for both, women lose their value if they’ve had relations outside of marriage, whereas men don’t. He claims that any man would agree with this opinion.
I have asked him to see a psychologist for a few sessions to hopefully help him reframe his thinking, but he flat out refuses. He won’t even consider it, even though he understands there’s no other option other than divorce. He spoke to a sheikh the first time this issue came up, and the sheikh said it’s a very common issue between married couples but unfortunately most of the time it leads to divorce.
His reasoning for not seeing a psychologist is that he believes it doesn’t work and it’s a waste of time. He has absolutely NO knowledge of the field of psychology and has never seen a psychologist. He doesn’t even understand what a psychology session involves, yet he flat out refuses and would rather throw away our marriage than to give it a try.
I understand not believing in counselling/therapy, but I’m so hurt that he doesn’t even want to try. He has nothing to lose from going to a few sessions, and would rather skip straight to the divorce than to give it a chance.
Please brothers and sisters ANY advice would be appreciated because I am distraught. He is genuinely an amazing and caring husband alhamdullilah, he honestly has no other faults. I cannot believe he is willing to throw away our marriage just to avoid seeing a psychologist.
TLDR: my husband would rather skip straight to divorce, than to seek help from a psychologist regarding his issues with my past.