Thoughts on dating as a disabled man
This is the first time posting, as I'm new to reddit. I'm 52, male and single. I'm also on disability. It's just the way my life played out, but the frustration and exhaustion remain.
I have bipolar and am autistic. Both diagnoses came later in life, at 39 and 50, respectively. I live with my parents now, both to save on rent and to help them around the house as they are now in their eighties. I'm not able to work full-time, though I recently picked up a part time seasonal position at a local department store. This is what people see.
What they don't see is the amount of work I've put in to get to where I am. When I was put on disability, I was almost non-functional as a person. Since then I have spent a great deal of time self-evaluating and engaging to make myself into a better person. I've taken up hobbies and set goals for myself to never stop learning, never stop doing. I wrote and published a novel, and now have a four-book universe nearing completion as well. I began exercising and have lost 115 pounds. I've been learning a second language with the goal of travel. I took on the aforementioned part time job and genuinely enjoy both the work and the people I'm around. All of this has been to better myself. I refuse to let myself rot away in front of some insipid television show when my brain and body are still capable of more.
The problem is, no one sees the me below the surface. All anyone sees is a middle-aged derelict. I don't have any visible disabilities, but I'm unable to work full-time all the same. I don't have much to my name, just a roomful of stuff and an old car I maintain. I have enough, and I don't want anyone else's money or charity. But I see the differences between me and someone who lived a conventional life. They have their own place, something I may never have. They have newer cars, something I can't afford. They have complete independence, something I've always struggled with. They live the life I worked for and never achieved.
I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I don't want to deceive or lie either. I have a number of unique talents and skills to bring, and I want to share my life with an equal partner, not some sugar mama pity case. But people only see the disabled part, and they turn away. I can't say I blame them. There are millions of men out there who aren't saddled with my limitations. They were lucky enough to not have a permanent affliction.
I'm not writing this to garner pity. Pity is an ugly emotion. I get up every day and I fight. I take my meds religiously, as I know they work. I keep myself busy to sharpen my mind and maintain my body. I refuse to become one of those pathetic incels, blaming women for their own inadequacies. Women are people too, and they want what's best for themselves and their families. I just wish I could find someone whose strengths compensate for my weaknesses and vice-versa. Life's circumstances happened and this is the crooked mile I walk, but sometimes, late at night, I wish I didn't always have to walk it alone.