I Feel Relieved
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I (30 F) was with my ex (31 M) for a little over 10 years. The first year he pretended to be a nice loving guy, we had our minor issues but nothing that couldn't be worked through. I got pregnant with our oldest very soon after we started dating and he was happy. I found out when our daughter was 5 months old that he was cheating on me. He made me feel like it was my fault and that I was the problem not him. I stupidly stayed and just hoped he would change. He continued to tear me down until I lost all of my confidence and I became a shell of myself. We ended up getting married and I got pregnant again soon after. Throughout my pregnancy the cheating got so much worse and he would constantly threaten me if I were to leave. There were many nights that he would point his gun at me and threaten to pull the trigger if I didn't do as I was told. I was always so terrified of what he would do to me and knew if I tried to leave he would come for me. After our youngest daughter was born is when the physical abuse started and there were many times where I had thought, this is it, this is the night he kills me, but because we always loved with roommates or his family he would stop when he heard someone coming. When we finally got a place of our own I was so terrified, I started working constantly without taking any days off just so I could be away from him. Unfortunately there was a day that he made me call in and if it weren't for our daughter, who was 4 at the time, walking in I know I wouldn't be here today. He had beaten me and strangled me to the point that I had blacked out, when I came to he had our daughters and was heading toward the front door. When he saw me he told me I would never see my daughters again and I fought with all my strength to keep him from walking out that door with them. Unfortunately he was much stronger than me and was able to knock me to the ground and take off with them. Luckily he ended up coming back with them shortly after but took anything that I could have used to try to get help. He told me I was lucky that our daughter had stopped him or he wouldnt have let me go. Somehow he still allowed me to go to my therapy appointment the next day where my therapist noticed all my bruising, I had told her before about his abuse but told her this time my daughter had walked in on it, she said she would have to call CPS because of it and said she would like me to be part of the call or I could lose my kids too. I was terrified of what he would do if he found out but decided to call with her. I was told someone would be out to talk with us about the case. I waited for weeks then months and noone ever came. I started just letting him do whatever he wanted to me in hopes that he wouldn't try to kill me again, it worked but I was still scared and miserable. He finally ended up getting pulled over in 2023 he got pulled over and had a warrant for unpaid child support they had to check the car and found a concealed gun and his concealed carry permit was expired so he went to jail for the night and they ended up taking all his guns away. After his arrest he ended up having bad anxiety and depression and I finally started feeling more comfortable. After a year and a half of him not being able to have his guns I was finally feeling like I might be able to leave i just wasn't sure when. I ended up getting in a car accident on Feb 28th of this year and when I told him all he wanted to do was yell at me, not once did he ask if I was ok. My mom ended up coming to get me and we had to follow the tow truck back to my house to show them where to put the car. My ex ended up coming outside and proceeded to yell at me in front of my mom. My mom made me come with her and I told her and my dad about everything I had been going through over the last 9 years and told them I wanted to get a divorce which they offered to pay for. I told him a few days later and he tried everything he could to keep me from leaving him, but I had had enough and needed to leave while I felt safe enough. Just weeks before I was set to move out he got the news that he would be able to get his guns again within a month or 2, it scared me but I needed to try to get out still, I couldn't allow myself to be stuck there any longer. Because he was still a good dad to our daughters I allowed them to still see him but it did make me anxious. Things were going smoothly for a while, but eventually he started to get more angry and demanding trying to get me to either move back in with him or let him move in with me. I repeatedly told him that I did not want to live with him anymore and that I was done, one night he really went off on me and ended up breaking into my house and raping me, I honestly thought he was going to kill me that night, but luckily he juat left afterwards. Things had started to calm down with him for about two weeks after that and I started using a dating app. He ended up breaking into my accounts and found out about it and started blowing up my phone while I was at work yelling at me. If I ignored his messages or calls he would start calling my work phone. I was absolutely terrified and thought he would probably tey to break into my house again, so after work I went and bought new locks for my doors and immediately changed them when I got home with my girls. I didn't want to worry my daughters so I just told them that they were old and needed to be changed. For the next few nights I triple checked all my doors and windows to make sure everything was tightly shut and locked but was still scared. Then just days after I changed my locks I got a text from his mom asking if I had seen or heard from him, I had not. She said he left the night before after I left with my girls and she hadn't seen or heard from him since, I checked with his workplace and he never came in. Later that night I have cops show up at my door and they tell me my ex had taken his life. I didn't know what to think at first, I was so shocked that he hadn't come for me. After the cops left the realization hit that I would have to tell my daughters and it hurt knowing that they would be hurt. At the same time I also had such a huge wave of relief wash over me, he couldn't hurt me anymore, and I finally felt safe for the first time in over 9 years. I feel bad that I'm not sad, but after so many years of abuse it's so nice knowing that he won't be coming for me.