Watching a Movie About a Trans Man Made Me Realize I Might Be Trans
I don’t really know where else to put this, but I think watching a movie about a trans man cracked something open in me.
I went into it expecting a good movie and instead ended up sitting there feeling weirdly seen in a way I couldn’t explain. It got so bad that I had to pause the movie because it hit me way harder than I expected. It felt less like “relating to a character” and more like realizing I’ve been avoiding certain thoughts about myself for years.
For context, I mostly dress masculine presenting and I’ve questioned my gender on and off for a long time, but I always pushed it down or convinced myself I was overthinking. But after this movie, it’s like all these feelings came rushing back at once. I started thinking about how uncomfortable I’ve been in my body, how jealous I get of certain guys, how badly I wish people saw me differently sometimes. Stuff I’ve brushed off forever suddenly feels impossible to ignore.
What really got me emotional was realizing how much fear I’ve had around even letting myself think the word “trans.” Especially because I’ve dealt with mental health stuff before, so part of me kept wondering if I could trust myself. But honestly, this realization feels calmer and more honest than a lot of the panic I’ve experienced in my life. Like something finally clicked into place.
I’m still confused. I’m still scared. I don’t know what this means for me yet. But I think for the first time I’m actually allowing myself to ask the question instead of running from it.
Has anyone else realized they were trans because of a movie, show, or character? I feel kind of alone in this right now.