Frustrated with extremely absent family support
I just hope I'm not alone in this, and want some advice on how to emotionally deal with family who is very distant when it comes to transition, gender and other things.
I'm getting top surgery very soon. Took me years to find someone who would take both my medicaid and my BMI. Finally found someone, and she's incredible. I'm super excited!
I'm lucky I have people in my life who support me. My fiancé and his family are taking care of me during the surgery post op(about a week and a half now), friends who want to call and visit, and lots of people who love me.
But my family has never been lovey dovey or affectionate, or even close, despite some support on some things. I live with my parents, and while they are not openly antagonistic or transphobic, they are also highly avoidant.
It hurts so much to know that my mom especially won't be there during my surgery recovery. Out of all my family members, she has been the best supporter for all else growing up. She's supported me through coping with my autism and mental illnesses, running back home from a bad situation, and my college career.
But when it comes to transition, it is very different.
Her and my dad are very flat faced and avoidant about the topic, except when I occasionally bring it up. They have said that instead of using pronouns, they will simply use my name instead- not what I asked for, but a good compromise at the time. When it comes to T, they have said nothing to my face, but have talked about it behind my back- I know this because the walls are not as thick as they think they are. I know they secretly feel disgusted and confused by my transition, despite the fact that they have seen and known of my transness since I was 15. But they won't talk about any of it for fear of looking like the bad guys.
I left them a letter when I got my top surgery date, explaining what was happening, that I had everything planned out, that it was happening and it was important to me. I put literal weeks of thought into that letter. I gave it to mom directly, told her I loved her, and that I wanted her and dad to read it. She hugged me and said they would. Dad read the letter the next day, and thanked me for the thoughts put into rhe letter and that it was very informative.
Since then, nothing.
They've both been frustratingly silent. Family dinners are meaningless small talk. They avoid me. Mom hugged me for the first time in a week from the side and even then it was very quick and nonchalant.
They still help me with things while I am working on getting out on my own. They are financially supportive, got me a congrats card with very sweet written messages when I found a job after a grueling months long search, and have supported me through college.
But this is the one bridge they won't cross for me, and it's the one that's the most important. They won't fucking talk to me and after all the time I spend gathering up courage to talk to them, to ask them to use my pronouns, to inform them of such important things happening in my life, they seem to think that if they have nothing nice to say, they might as well say nothing at all and treat me like a ghost.
It hurts so bad. And I don't know how much worse it will get after surgery. I wonder if they'll treat me as if I'm even there, or just ignore me until I move out.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how many more chances I can give them. Almost my whole family is like this, besides my two older sisters who congratulated me every step of the way, but are very busy and don't have time to be close, which is fair.
I'm heavily considering going extremely low contact with them after I leave. Like, christmas card and birthday/mothers/fathers day cards and thats pretty much it. Maybe the occasional phone call. Waiting on them to be ready to talk, trying to talk, and getting nothing in return is sheer emotional agony. The only reason I haven't already is because of the fact that they're helping me financially while I'm waiting on my new job to start.
Once I do, I'll be sure to get out of their hair. It seems like what they want. They can't support one if the biggest parts of my life and it's tearing us all apart.
Does anyone know how to handle this? At all? I'm working through it with therapy and meds but it hurts so, so badly. I need some kind of relief or guidance. Thank you for reading, if you've made it this far. I appreciate all of you.