u/Civil_Accountant_652

I’m feeling really uncomfortable and anxious about my breasts. It’s all I can think about and is causing so much distress. Even the words ‘boobs’ or ‘breasts’ feels foreign and scary. And seeing them on other people makes me feel uncomfortable and like I hate them. I’m really worried that it feels like I want to get rid of them and feel like that might make me feel better. I just don’t know anymore. I keep pressing them down to see how I feel and I can’t even tell. I just feel distressed.

And all of my clothes feel uncomfortable too. And I keep getting these visions of myself with short hair and a beard and a penis and I don’t get it at all. I’ve never wanted these things, so why does it feel like I want them all of a sudden, even though I think I’d hate it. But I can’t work out whether I want it or am disgusted by it. It’s so so confusing. It’s like living in a different brain and reality.

I also get these feelings that I want hairy legs, when I’ve always loved having smooth legs.

Just everything I always knew about myself feels wrong and uncomfortable and it feels like I hate being a woman all of a sudden. And I feel so uncomfortable being out in public.

I have this thought loop of ‘you hate yourself, remember that’, ‘hate being a woman’, ‘hate your/my boobs’, ‘want to be a boy’ going on all the time, amongst other thoughts constantly. I don’t get a moment of peace.

It’s like I’m repressing what I want now. But I’m sure I loved being a girl before all of this started and was proud of it. But now it’s like I hate it or don’t want it. It’s been 6 months and I haven’t had a good day. It just gets worse. Everything about me feels like a lie. I’ve even disconnected from the tv shows I loved and my hobbies.

Before things began, I felt more confident in my body and self than I have for ages, or so I thought. My boobs were just a part of me. And I liked being naked with my bf. I was sometimes self conscious about the way they looked when I leant over (like, they weren’t round enough, if that makes sense).

I just don’t know what to do and am just looking for advice in how I might be able to be comfortable in my body again. But I honestly feel like I’ve developed late/rapid onset GD. And then I feel like I’m deliberately creating intrusive thoughts to avoid the truth.

It's attacked my clothes, hair, interests, body, voice, favourite colours, interior style, personality. Just...everything. I have no idea what to do anymore. My mind is just so messy that I have no idea who I am.

I'm really struggling with the discomfort with my body atm. I can't stop thinking and questioning my boobs and it feels like I don't like them. The only time I can say that I want them is when I can cry, but I can't even seem to do that as often now. I felt so comfortable in my body just a few months ago and now it feel like it doesn't belong to me. It feels like my head is on a different body.

I was so proud to be a woman before all of this started, now it's like I don't like it and I don't understand what's happoening. And then my mind says 'yes you do'.

Along with all of the other numerous thoughts, I've had 'you hate yourself, remember that' in my head on repeat all day for the past week.

I keep getting thoughts and feelings that I need to cut my boobs off, but it’s making me really upset because I don’t want it to come to that. And even when typing this, my mind says ‘yes you do’. It feels like I hate them, but I really don’t want to. The same with my hair, which has always been such a big part of my appearance and almost like a part of my personality.

My mind constantly tells me ‘you’re a liar’, ‘you’re pretending’, ‘you hate yourself’, ‘you want this’, ‘you’re excited about this’, ‘you hate being a woman’ and sometimes the statements start with ‘I’, which makes them feel more like my actual thoughts.

And I keep getting random flashbacks of places/memories and I keep wondering if it’s because I’ve had thoughts about my gender before and I just don’t remember.

I really don’t want to write this, but I keep getting images of my exes penis on me and I’ve become completely disconnected from my vagina. Even the word ‘vagina’ feels uncomfortable and almost unreal.

It feels like I hate myself and my womanhood and I don’t even feel like a woman or girl anymore and I’m scared because part of me feels relieved by it. I feel uncomfortable in my female self. It feels like I’m already a boy, somehow. And for some reason I feel uncomfortable with people seeing me in public and seeing me as a girl.

I feel like I’m living in a completely different brain, but then I question whether I’ve always felt like this and just didn’t realise. And then I feel like I’m just manipulating the whole thing and I already know the truth and I just have to accept it but I’m scared to. It’s been going on for months and I don’t feel like I’ve had any good days and nothing seems to make it better…it just gets worse. I can’t seem to relax into myself at all. I don’t feel connected to my name or pronouns either. My whole sense of self has collapsed.

How can I go for 35 years and this suddenly happen? The anxiety makes me feel like a child. I feel so dissociated and I worry that I’ve always been dissociated and now I’m discovering the reason why. Even by typing all of this, it feels like I’m going to realise or admit to it all and I’m just scared of the truth. And I get this weird and scary feeling of enjoyment or an inner sort of smile or laughter that is freaking me out.

What really concerns me is that this all started following a trauma involving a weed edible that seems to have sent my brain crazy. With the edible, I had a moment where I thought my bf was going to hurt me and a thought of ‘this is what it’s like to be r3ped’. Then a few days after I started feeling really frightened and started obsessing over the relationship, whether our sex was consensual (it absolutely was), whether he was cheating (when I knew he wasn’t). I felt like he was behind me and had to keep checking even though he wasn’t. I thought I had become psychotic and even now I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of psychosis. Then sudden thoughts that I was going to stab him, followed by freaking out that I was a lesbian and then the gender thing. And he looked like a total stranger to me all of a sudden. I had to break up with him, but I still can’t stop thinking and obsessing about him and now it feels like I wanted to be him, not be with him - this began after a very loud thought that almost felt like it was spoken to me.

I’m so tired but also wired at the same time. I shake all the time and just feel really weird and disconnected from who I was before and I’m worried it’s a defence mechanism and the gender thing will never go away. But part of me then feels like I don’t want it to go away. It’s so so confusing and anxiety inducing.

I also remember a few things from my childhood. The first was when I was about 13 and someone was going round asking ‘do you fold or scrunch toilet paper?’. They said that girls scrunch and boys fold and I worried because I folded it. It’s clearly stated with me for years and years because I still remember it. The second one is I was always aware of the way my jeans or whatever else I was wearing bunched and made me look like I had a penis and I always made a point of pressing it down to make sure it didn’t. I swear I’ve done this into adulthood. I also noticed that men and women removed their tops in different ways…this one is hard to explain but I’m worried that I tried it the men’s way once and it’s worrying me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but also it doesn’t feel ridiculous and it freaks me out.

I’m sorry for the massive post and not sure if any of it makes any sense, but I just needed to write it down.

I get this twitching sensation in my cheeks/the corners of my mouth like I want to smile. It freaks me out and confuses me even more.

I’m AFAB (even that weirdly feels like a lie) and I’m so confused and anxious. I want to buy a new backpack but I’m scared it will make me realise I’m male. And I also want to buy a nail varnish because I saw a colour I liked. I’ve never had my nails done or been interested in that (which worries me), but occasionally used to paint my nails myself. The only reason I didn’t do it very often was because I felt like it made me look I had wrinkly granny hands. The thing I’m worried about is that I read that one of the last things that trans people do before they realise is get their nails done. So what am I supposed to do?

Also, I know the backpack thing is ridiculous, but it doesn’t feel ridiculous 🤷🏼‍♀️

Also (and i know this is reassurance seeking), but does anyone else feel like there's a weird inner smile/laughter inside of you and it scares you that it's you starting to accept the truth? It's making me really worry.

And does anyone else get anxious about having periods? I've never enjoyed having them, obvs. But suddenly i started feeling really anxious about them. But no one else seems to have mentioned this, so I'm feeling worried about that. It's like I've totally disconnected from my womanhood.

I'm just so so confused. It feels like I'm pretending to be the girl I've always known. Why do I feel so uncomfortable with myself all of a sudden? And my mind is telling me that I don't like wearing women's clothes, I just like looking at women in them. I feel like everything I've ever known has been taken away from me. I can't even tell the difference between intrusive thoughts, compulsive thoughts or reality anymore. I feel like a totally different person living in a totally different brain/world.