r/transOCD

I’m feeling really uncomfortable and anxious about my breasts. It’s all I can think about and is causing so much distress. Even the words ‘boobs’ or ‘breasts’ feels foreign and scary. And seeing them on other people makes me feel uncomfortable and like I hate them. I’m really worried that it feels like I want to get rid of them and feel like that might make me feel better. I just don’t know anymore. I keep pressing them down to see how I feel and I can’t even tell. I just feel distressed.

And all of my clothes feel uncomfortable too. And I keep getting these visions of myself with short hair and a beard and a penis and I don’t get it at all. I’ve never wanted these things, so why does it feel like I want them all of a sudden, even though I think I’d hate it. But I can’t work out whether I want it or am disgusted by it. It’s so so confusing. It’s like living in a different brain and reality.

I also get these feelings that I want hairy legs, when I’ve always loved having smooth legs.

Just everything I always knew about myself feels wrong and uncomfortable and it feels like I hate being a woman all of a sudden. And I feel so uncomfortable being out in public.

I have this thought loop of ‘you hate yourself, remember that’, ‘hate being a woman’, ‘hate your/my boobs’, ‘want to be a boy’ going on all the time, amongst other thoughts constantly. I don’t get a moment of peace.

It’s like I’m repressing what I want now. But I’m sure I loved being a girl before all of this started and was proud of it. But now it’s like I hate it or don’t want it. It’s been 6 months and I haven’t had a good day. It just gets worse. Everything about me feels like a lie. I’ve even disconnected from the tv shows I loved and my hobbies.

Before things began, I felt more confident in my body and self than I have for ages, or so I thought. My boobs were just a part of me. And I liked being naked with my bf. I was sometimes self conscious about the way they looked when I leant over (like, they weren’t round enough, if that makes sense).

I just don’t know what to do and am just looking for advice in how I might be able to be comfortable in my body again. But I honestly feel like I’ve developed late/rapid onset GD. And then I feel like I’m deliberately creating intrusive thoughts to avoid the truth.

i dont know who i am. i think im depressed and i think i have OCD. ive felt myself slipping for the past year.

junior year really took it out of me. i did my best. to get good grades. to participate in extracurriculars. to be the student and son i wasn't before. what do i get for it? suicidal thoughts. a gender crisis. feeling little to nothing. feeling like im not worthy of anything. feeling constantly stressed, yet being unable to actually get things done.

i overthink everything. to the point that i dont think i can even trust myself.

am i really trans? i dont think so. but what if im so repressed that i cant even recognize the fact that i might be trans? i really dont want to be trans though. but what if i am?

i dont feel like me. i dont know who "me" is. whenever i look in the mirror, i dont think "oh hey, its me," i just think its my physical representation looking back at me. "me" in my head is different.

i dont think i really feel like anyone when im alone. at least when there's others around, i have some point of reference and a facade to put up.

i dont even know if i like guys anymore. i used to be pretty certain about it. but nowadays nothing is really certain for me.

i tried to stop watching p*rn. i think it really messed with me. sometimes i watch straight p*rn, to see if maybe im bi or something. but i don't really think it does it for me. gay p*rn just seems kinda bland to me at this point. guys do too to be honest.

i dont feel worthy of anything. maybe im not even worthy of knowing who i am.

i dont know what to do. how do i know if im not the gender i was assigned at birth? especially in my current state? how do i get out of my current state?

how do i know if i really like guys? i've been able to crush on guys before, but never girls. but girls just call to me. i dont know how to explain it.

how do i know anything is certain?

I'm trans and I have an obsessive fear of permanently reincarnating in a female body in every possible lifetime, my brain generates rituals to "pervent" it constantly, I just failed to do one of them and it caused an anxiety spike. It's a very exhausting obsession, performing rituals is exhausting. Don't say stuff like "reincarnation isn't real" it's really not helpful.

i know i shouldn’t have. i know ai is killing the planet and i know im terrible for using it. but i used it for reassurance. and then, after like 2 hours, it finally told me what i wanted to hear. that i was a woman and that it is all anxiety and intrusive thoughts. but reading it, i felt my stomach drop. it was the same way its dropped in the past where i know i truly fucked myself over and i’ve made everything worse. i know i shouldn’t have but now i feel such anxiety and dread and fear over having been told exactly what i wanted to hear. it doesn’t feel right.

now, my brain is afraid of being a woman. of being boxed in. my brain can’t even say the word woman. it’s bleeped out. if i’m imagining the sentence, it’s literally a white box. i wanted to feel like a woman so badly. but now i feel like i made everything worse. i don’t know what to do. i’m so overwhelmed by my feelings and im terrified this means something more about me. i’m terrified it means i never wanted to be a woman in the first place and that im in denial. i want to be a woman again. i want to feel comfortable in my body again. but i don’t know why i cant. nothing works. and im terrified im doomed to live like this for the rest of my life.

I wanna know how you guys go through the false dysphoria and the envy? My envy is so bad that like I don’t understand why it’s happening to me. Like I always liked women and now I’m starting to think if I’ve been confusing it for envy. Idk I’m so confused cuz when I feel envy towards girls like it’s not like a good feeling it’s more of an anxiety feeling. But idk anymore I lost my identity I feel lost, feels like my identity of a boy was stripped away from me. Now I’m starting to think I never liked being a boy to begin with (which is crazy lmao cuz I know I did) but it doesn’t feel real saying that. I’m so mentally exhausted that I can’t eat, I don’t go to the gym anymore. Like it fucking sucks.

I have been crying all day. My mom was talking about how cute and sweet little girl I was when I was a child. I feel like I am not a girl anymore and I am afraid that I am not a girl/woman anymore and I will let my mom down and break her heart..

This sounds and feels like denial.

Are you guys obsessively ruminating the past to see if u had any signs of being trans to find a relief that ur not trans. that’s what I’ve been doing and it’s making me crazy like im stuck in a loop. Like ive been trying to see if like did i like the way i dressed growing up or did I envy women in high school? Like it’s scary because i dont think i did at all cuz ive always liked girls when I was a little boy so idk .

It's attacked my clothes, hair, interests, body, voice, favourite colours, interior style, personality. Just...everything. I have no idea what to do anymore. My mind is just so messy that I have no idea who I am.

I'm really struggling with the discomfort with my body atm. I can't stop thinking and questioning my boobs and it feels like I don't like them. The only time I can say that I want them is when I can cry, but I can't even seem to do that as often now. I felt so comfortable in my body just a few months ago and now it feel like it doesn't belong to me. It feels like my head is on a different body.

I was so proud to be a woman before all of this started, now it's like I don't like it and I don't understand what's happoening. And then my mind says 'yes you do'.

Along with all of the other numerous thoughts, I've had 'you hate yourself, remember that' in my head on repeat all day for the past week.

21M here and I have severe ocd. I had all type of themes, but this is just so bad. It’s so bad where the point where I doubt it I ever liked being a boy growing up (which I did, I know I did) and it’s so bad where like false feelings are ruining my life. Like it feels like I want to be a woman and that I don’t like being a boy which ruins me because like I feel like deep down I do like being a boy which is why ocd goes against what u are. I remmeber it all started when my friend told me gender dysorphia and I remember questioning and stuff and then it went downhill from there. Like I remmeber when a girl liked me in high school and I jd my first kiss I was so happy because it was like wow she likes me cuz I knew I was a man so like yk what I mean. I never had any desire or thoughts to be a woman growing up. Like I’m always constantly checking “do I wanna have boobs” “do I like my penis” OH for the record I always loved my penis I remember I had a small ocd attack when I saw like sex change surgery and I imagined on myself and I started freaking out cuz i didnt want my penis to go lmao. I notice some girls here i feel like go thru the same thing i do maybe i could be wrong. Like where u keep wanting things u never wanted and its terryfing and confusing cuz it geniuely feels like u want it and makes u not like ur self

I just need to rant a little.

I was getting ready for bed today and I usually wear a hoodie with nothing underneath and sweatpants. I took my clothes off to put on the hoodie and as I was doing so I noticed *how* I was putting it on. The way I contorted my body and moved it and bent my back and head and the entire motion looked like a well crafted dance. I never realized how I put it on until today. I've grown to put it on in a very specific way in order to not touch my chest or have the fabric land there. And then I got to thinking about it and things like this are plastered onto every aspect of my life. When I go to the bathroom, I never look down. I always shower in the dark and then I never look down to see my body. I may glance down but skip *certain* parts. My native language is a gendered language and I constantly have to reword sentences so I do not have to gender myself in conversation. For example, instead of saying "I'm taller than her" I will say "she's shorter than me". I pretend to not know things because I think it makes me more of a man.

It's just something that guides my every day life and it's been here my entire life. It's tiring and time consuming and I'm constantly doing it and a lot of it I don't even realize I'm doing it. I just hate how present it is in my life.