there's something wrong with me [m 17)
i dont know who i am. i think im depressed and i think i have OCD. ive felt myself slipping for the past year.
junior year really took it out of me. i did my best. to get good grades. to participate in extracurriculars. to be the student and son i wasn't before. what do i get for it? suicidal thoughts. a gender crisis. feeling little to nothing. feeling like im not worthy of anything. feeling constantly stressed, yet being unable to actually get things done.
i overthink everything. to the point that i dont think i can even trust myself.
am i really trans? i dont think so. but what if im so repressed that i cant even recognize the fact that i might be trans? i really dont want to be trans though. but what if i am?
i dont feel like me. i dont know who "me" is. whenever i look in the mirror, i dont think "oh hey, its me," i just think its my physical representation looking back at me. "me" in my head is different.
i dont think i really feel like anyone when im alone. at least when there's others around, i have some point of reference and a facade to put up.
i dont even know if i like guys anymore. i used to be pretty certain about it. but nowadays nothing is really certain for me.
i tried to stop watching p*rn. i think it really messed with me. sometimes i watch straight p*rn, to see if maybe im bi or something. but i don't really think it does it for me. gay p*rn just seems kinda bland to me at this point. guys do too to be honest.
i dont feel worthy of anything. maybe im not even worthy of knowing who i am.
i dont know what to do. how do i know if im not the gender i was assigned at birth? especially in my current state? how do i get out of my current state?
how do i know if i really like guys? i've been able to crush on guys before, but never girls. but girls just call to me. i dont know how to explain it.
how do i know anything is certain?