u/Ok_Chest5992

(cw: some mentions of sexual assault and rape)

im 20f and bisexual. loved being a woman all my life. i went through my fair share of tomboy phases only to immediately turn around and dress super girly. i was like THE stereotypical girl. all the memes about how girls write in a pink, sparkly diary and play with barbie’s and were infatuated with the color pink? that was me. and i always felt like myself when i wore skirts. i was boy crazy and i loved wearing makeup. i loved heels and dresses and loved playing “fashion show” with all my mom’s clothing. i always knew that i was a woman.

for context, i’m known within my friend groups as having the worst first year of college ever. i was sexually assaulted for three months in the fall by my best friend. raped by another close friend in the spring. used by a different close friend who was “helped” me process my rape. i was assaulted in my second year and unsure if my last boyfriend assaulted me. i’ve been through a lot. and i never gave myself a break.

like i said before, i was always boy crazy. i knew i wanted a boyfriend. sometimes id act different just for guys to like me. but my ex called me so many names for being bisexual and for having a higher body count than him. he’s called me disgusting, weird, a slut, he’s called me a bitch so many times while joking that it felt like he wasn’t. one day, during intimacy, i wasn’t into it. never knew why. and i suddenly had the thought of “what if you’re not into him and you’re a lesbian?” and i freaked out. went down an insane spiral and lost all attraction to him and all men. i’d see a man in a show or movie and id immediately get disgusted by him. brought it up to my old therapist, who kept insisting i was a lesbian and to just own it. when i cut her off saying how much i wanted to be with my ex, how much i wanted to have sex with him, and how happy i used to be with him, she’d scoff and continue telling me that i was a lesbian. which made everything so much worse.

after this, i was obsessively mulling over my thoughts. i couldn’t even look at my body in the mirror or while showering because i would get reminded of my rape. i’d spend, i kid you not, 16+ hours thinking about being a lesbian and hating it. the compulsions were insane. and one day, while trying to figure out why i hated men so much and couldn’t look in the mirror, another loud and booming thought came in.

“what if you’re actually trans, and you’re just lying to yourself? and that’s why you can’t look in the mirror?”

ever since then, i haven’t been the same. id get such strong thoughts of “you want to be a man. just admit it. you acted so boyish as a child. you’re just in denial”

i don’t even know what it means to be a woman anymore. women don’t feel real. i don’t even know what a woman is. i’ll see a woman and i can’t wrap my brain around it. like they just… don’t exist. or they’re men dressed up as women. but men? they’re men. they’re fine.

nothing feels right. and i’m slowly losing everything i liked about myself. my hair parts the wrong way? looks too boyish and it’s a sign. don’t feel like doing my makeup today? you hated makeup the entire time and you’re just a man. wanting to wear pants today? you like being a guy and you want to dress like one. it’s exhausting. it’s getting to the point where the thoughts feel so real that sometimes i almost feel like i WANT to, but i know i font. whenever i’m drunk or high, i miss being a woman. but i feel like i physically CANNOT be a woman. like im not allowed to be one. my brain even tells me that im acting childish or like im “regressing” almost and that i wont grow if i dont just accept it. that women are “boring” and “it’s basic” and i wont become a better person if i dont.

i never wanted to live like a man. but it’s been 7 months of this now. and i feel like i can’t return to before. my brain is telling me that it doesn’t even WANT to return to before. i miss the old me. i want her back. nothing feels right anymore.

for context, i’m a 20 year bisexual woman. growing up, i was very very girly until around 4th grade where i started dressing like a tomboy until around 8th grade where i started dressing very very girly again. ever since then, i was super feminine. always loved the color pink, loved glittery dresses and outfits, loved makeup, getting ready and wearing heels and stuff. the whole shebang. once i was a senior in high school, i started dressing more alternative and was very comfortable in my identity but i didn’t wear as many skirts (have had an ED for ~7 years so i found shorts started to make me look skinnier)

i’ve had a couple relationships here and there (only men) and they never worked out. i’ve unfortunately been assaulted and raped by several people in my life at different times, but i still trusted men to an extent. my latest relationship didn’t last long. i had a lot of sexual trauma i didn’t know i was holding onto and it blend into our relationship since he kept abusing me emotionally (would call me a slut, told me he didn’t care that my assault “didn’t feel good” because it made him feel invalidated, got angry that i had a higher body count than him, etc) and ever he dumped me on new year’s eve, i’ve been an emotional wreck

ever since we broke up, i haven’t felt like a woman. i hate my boobs and i feel disgusted by vaginas. i see women i would’ve normally been attracted to and i feel disgusted. i am diagnosed with OCD so i know it probably plays a role to an extent but every time i think of a woman, i feel like those annoying “im not like other girls” and i feel so disgusted and angry with myself. i hate that the thought ever pops into my mind at all and i wish it would go away. i used to be a girls girl. i feel like im not even a bisexual anymore. i was high last night and scrolling tiktok when i saw this tiktok of alternative women and i felt this blockage. like there’s feelings there but they’re hidden deep down where i can’t access them. and i can’t even decipher what feelings they may be.

now, when i think of a woman, i just think of blonde hair, blue eyed bimbos that only chase after men. and god, i cannot reiterate enough how ashamed i am for ever conceiving a thought like that. i know women are powerful and capable of being whoever they want to be. hell, i’m a scientist and studying to work in a medical field. but everything feels so gray now.

i don’t know where to begin the healing process. i never want to feel this way about women. but i feel disgusted with myself and like i shouldn’t even claim to call myself a woman. i would appreciate advice as to what to do

edit: thank you all for responding so quickly. to everyone telling me to go to therapy, i’m currently in therapy right now. i’ve jumped around a few therapists lately but never found one that really stuck. my last therapist (i stopped seeing her after our last appointment in january but i was seeing her for around 4 years) sent me into a huge spiral with unhelpful advice. i started seeing one that specialized in sexual assault since he was a therapist through RAINN and i’ve brought these issues up, but i never really felt like it was going anywhere. i’m seeing a new therapist but she cancelled our first appointment so i have to wait to see her for our next one. but i appreciate yall pushing me to get therapy regardless