u/Humanarmour

I remember when I was in high school (mid to late 2010s) and I was beginning to wonder if I was trans, I'd go online and search for queer tags and be met with so much relatable content. It was all kids my age who were also struggling and wondering, kids who had doubts, kids who weren't able to come out. All like me. I found companionship and friendship there.

Now, whenever I search for queer tags it is all filled with posts about being openly queer, and coming out stories, and going to pride, and jokes, and good storytimes and they're all mostly happy. It seems like all those kids from a decade ago got out and did what we all wanted. They moved out, came out and started living their lives. And I feel like I got left behind because nothing changed for me.

I love that everyone is doing better and is happy. I just hate how it seems it's only just me who's still in the deep end

I just need to rant a little.

I was getting ready for bed today and I usually wear a hoodie with nothing underneath and sweatpants. I took my clothes off to put on the hoodie and as I was doing so I noticed *how* I was putting it on. The way I contorted my body and moved it and bent my back and head and the entire motion looked like a well crafted dance. I never realized how I put it on until today. I've grown to put it on in a very specific way in order to not touch my chest or have the fabric land there. And then I got to thinking about it and things like this are plastered onto every aspect of my life. When I go to the bathroom, I never look down. I always shower in the dark and then I never look down to see my body. I may glance down but skip *certain* parts. My native language is a gendered language and I constantly have to reword sentences so I do not have to gender myself in conversation. For example, instead of saying "I'm taller than her" I will say "she's shorter than me". I pretend to not know things because I think it makes me more of a man.

It's just something that guides my every day life and it's been here my entire life. It's tiring and time consuming and I'm constantly doing it and a lot of it I don't even realize I'm doing it. I just hate how present it is in my life.

I just need to rant a little.

I was getting ready for bed today and I usually wear a hoodie with nothing underneath and sweatpants. I took my clothes off to put on the hoodie and as I was doing so I noticed how I was putting it on. The way I contorted my body and moved it and bent my back and head and the entire motion looked like a well crafted dance. I never realized how I put it on until today. I've grown to put it on in a very specific way in order to not touch my chest or have the fabric land there. And then I got to thinking about it and things like this are plastered onto every aspect of my life. When I go to the bathroom, I never look down. I always shower in the dark and then I never look down to see my body. I may glance down but skip certain parts. My native language is a gendered language and I constantly have to reword sentences so I do not have to gender myself in conversation. For example, instead of saying "I'm taller than her" I will say "she's shorter than me". I pretend to not know things because I think it makes me more of a man.

It's just something that guides my every day life and it's been here my entire life. It's tiring and time consuming and I'm constantly doing it and a lot of it I don't even realize I'm doing it. I just hate how present it is in my life.

Can anyone please post a side by side of the two devices so I can see a size comparison? Front and width if possible, please and thank you!

I am looking for books that were written in the 1800s that feel modern. I was recently watching a movie set in the early 1800s and I was captivated by it. I am deeply curious about what these people thought about. Were they backwards? Did they think about things the same way as me? Did they recognize the state of the world and what it could be?

I don't care what the story is about per se, but I'd like something about a regular person that allows me to get into the mind of 1800s. Place doesn't matter but preferably Europe.

I think what's kept me in the closet for so long is the obvious phobia my family has shown me. They've always made comments and had really awful opinions but it used to be easy to dismiss them because I could just tell myself they were talking about things they didn't know. They had never met a queer person before.

But, when I was 17-19 I couldn't take it any longer and I started experimenting through self expression. Nothing too major, just a new haircut and some clothes. These are some of the most confident times I ever remember having. Even though I hadn't said anything, I "looked" queer. To make it a short story, I was essentially confronted by my mom and asked if I was gay on one occasion and then trans on the other. The questions were in ill spirit, I could tell. She wasn't asking out of genuine concern or wanting to understand. I denied everything. I was very shaken and wanted to cry during both of these encounters but I didn't. I just said I wasn't but it wasn't convincing at all. She definitely didn't believe me.

This sucked for me but I didn't think too much about it because I hadn't actually done anything. There was no proof, nothing. But, the idea was out in the open now. And how they reacted then is what hurt me the most. They didn't change their ways at all. They continued all their homophobic comments and everything mean they had to say. They didn't even care if I was right there to listen to it. I genuinely don't understand how you think your child is queer and choose to not make your home an accepting environment. It felt they were doing it on purpose now.

I remember a dinner one time we had with my extended family. The idea of my being queer had been in everyone's mind by this time. Yet, we all sat at dinner and they couldn't stop being phobic. And it wasn't just them talking about imaginary people. They'd bring up people they'd known. A coworker, a neighbor, some friend, etc. They were all telling stories and openly mocking these people. They could not let it go. They loved hating it all together like that. The entire table just adding to it and laughing and joining in. I could not do anything but sit there, smile a bit and let out an awkward laugh. Not even two years ago everyone thought I was gay. The idea was still there, present. And yet, all my parents, siblings, aunts and uncles were talking like this at the table. A table full of my family and not a single one stood up for me. Not one of them on my corner. Not one of them checked up with me after. Not one of them even thought of me. All those comments. Indirectly thrown at me.

I think this dinner, and the many more that came after, made me love them all a little bit less.

It's actually shameful for me. I love maths and I'm studying engineering. I consider myself to be very intelligent. I am able to understand things quickly and solve problems with very little information. But, I can't for the love of me do mental arithmetic.

The show was incredibly well written and as someone very deep in the closet, I related a lot to some things Niall said and I wanted to document them here. I don't know if Richard himself is queer in any way, but wow how did he manage to capture these feelings so well?

1. when Niall is confronted by his girlfriend (forgot her name) about what he did with the 30k from her father. She thinks he used this money to pay back Ruben. He ends up telling her he used it to pay for conversion therapy and they scammed him out of the rest. His gf asks him why he cares so much, that it's the 21st century, no one cares about this anymore. He says "it doesn't make me feel any better. I mean, the fact that the world is progressing only adds to the problem because not only am I ashamed... bloody irrational too". This is something I've felt for a long time but never put into words. People mention the 21st century and while it's a more accepting time and all, it doesn't change anything for me. I can't really explain more, I mean, he said it all.

2. in the same scene, his gf continues saying that everyone who matters already knows. She knows, his mom knows. She says "I don't see why it's a problem". He says "because I don't know!". I've struggled with this deeply. When you live in fear of being found out, with internalized homophobia, you don't allow yourself to explore normally. You don't allow yourself to meet yourself. So, you truly don't know. This is where I'm at too.

3. in the prison, the final episode when Niall visits Ruben. Niall finally comes out to him. The entire scene was brilliant but there are a few things that stood out. First of all, Ruben not caring. Niall took this as a relief. While I agree that this is freeing, it is also a punch to the gut. If you weren't gonna care, why did I waste all this time? So you're telling me I waited 30 years to come out for nothing? I could have told you on day one and saved myself a lifetime of pain and trouble? While I don't plan on ever coming out to my parents, if I ever decide against it, I will be equally terrified if they are ok with it as if they are not. If they are not, it would affect me for obvious reasons. But if they are, then why did I waste all this time? All these years that I'm wasting, all the late nights wondering, all the lies and sneaks, the conformity, the silences, the hiding, all of that for what? For nothing? I could have saved myself a lifetime of wondering?

4. this is when Niall questions Ruben again. He doesn't believe him that he doesn't care. He brings up all those times Ruben called him slurs. Ruben says those are just words. Niall said they aren't, that they hurt him and that he let them hurt him for 40 years. This entire bit is phenomenal. At the end, Ruben admits to take about 15% of the blame, but nothing else. That the rest is all on Niall, because he's the one who's been the most homophobic towards him. I deeply related to this. I can't help but feel a deep shame regarding who I am. I know it's not logical or helpful but I can't help it. I look away when the subject is brought up, I never bring it up, never defend myself or others, I let their comments affect me and dictate my life. I know all of this and yet I can't do anything about it.

There are probably more I'm forgetting but these were the most relevant to me.

I truly believe I am queer. I can't go into detail because this is not what the post is about. I just know in my heart that if given the choice I would wake up as male tomorrow and never look back. I have wanted to be a boy ever since I was a kid and the feeling has never left me. I've always liked men too and so I would be a gay man. I know it in my heart this is my reality. I've never really explored this side of myself because my family would never accept it. I've never mentioned it but I know how they feel about it. I've made up my mind years ago that I would never come out to them. Still, it hurts sometimes.

It used to really hurt when I was a teenager. It was the only thing I would think about. As the years kept passing by and I realized it just wasn't going to happen to me, I slowly let the idea go. It turned more into a fantasy than a possible future reality to me. Life had other things to offer and I decided to focus on those. I have a great job now, with great pay, the people I talk to on a regular basis are kind and nice and I'm not on edge the entire time. In a lot of ways, life got better for me than what it was in high school. And I can say I am happy. I really am. And it made me rethink a lot of things. I would still choose to wake up tomorrow male. No doubt about that. But, if I am happy now, why risk it? Why go through all that trouble, all that pain and questions when I am already happy?

I've been thinking about it and maybe happy is not the end of the story. There is also the fact that I could always be happier. But also, I am looking for acceptance and understanding and I deserve a chance to meet myself.

Every so often the reality comes knocking on my door and the feelings of despair overcome me. But is it worth it? I see my life branching out in two different directions: I never come out and yet I am able to live a normal, happy life with my family as we've always been; I come out and do what I want, but my entire life changes. I lose my family and my relationship with them forever changes. I still manage to achieve a normal, happy life, albeit different. In either one scenario I lose something. I'm currently living the first life and while it's not 100% fulfilling, it is good and I can live here. I don't know if I can survive in the second one.

I'm not out or have even begun to dive into what queerness means for me. I'm not in a place to do so and I've decided I'm never going to come out to my family regarding where my queer journey sends me.

For years, especially during my teenage years, queer media was the only connection I had to the community. It helped in so many ways that I will never be fully able to describe. But, as the years kept passing by, my relationship with it has shifted too. It's turned into a reminder, a longing for what I'm not living.

I recently finished watching Half Man (I highly recommend it) and while the show is so much more than just a queer show, I will focus on that aspect here. I loved it but it happened again, the pain from anything queer slapping me right across the face again. The main problem I see is my parents and family. We always watch shows and movies together, and while it is often good, it's hardly ever deep or meaningful. I would love to sit them down and watch a show with queer people in it and their struggles and talk about it and discuss it in a meaningful and respectful way. Obviously, this is wishful thinking. They've been everything to queer people but respectful and understanding.

It makes me feel like a liar. Being in my room, feeling my gears turn, my life change, and walk back into the living room like nothing happened. I will never be able to speak of this.

Even taking Half Man as an example, Niall had a lot of internalized homophobia and it took him about 40 years to accept himself. But even he had the opportunity to discover himself and come out to some of his family. I feel like I am completely alone in this. Watching shows/movies and seeing the most desperate, alone, sad, depressed characters still have some freedom and understanding while I have none of it feels like a slap across the face.

Watching these shows as a teenager I felt filled with wonder and possibility. It made me long for a better future that back then felt possible. Now, I'm in that future and yet nothing has happened.

I will continue to consume queer media. The acceptance and understanding and relatability is still there and it's about the only place I get it. The solitude, wasted years and hollowness is also there but I believe the good outweighs the bad. While I am filled with incredible jealousy sometimes, I am still able to see the hope in that

I'm looking for any recs on hard science fiction books, where science is a core and important aspect of it. I enjoy Andy Weir in this sense but I'm looking for other things as well

While the ideas and themes of the book are deeply appealing to me, I did not like the delivery. The story feels bland, characterless and repetitive.

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I had a hard time picturing what Rama looked like (although this may have been the translation I have, I didn't read it in English) and I feel the descriptions were poor and unsatisfactory. Particularly the characters. They were a medium to tell the story but hardly participants in it. I don't expect every book to be character driven, but for a book about first contact, it feels like a missed opportunity. We don't know who these people are.

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The biggest issue I had with it was how safe it was for the crew at all times. They were never in any danger. While things happened and problems arose, they were all solved extremely quickly and it was obvious nothing bad was going to happen to any of them.

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I personally didn't enjoy the writing itself. It lacked descriptions and it was moving too fast. I felt sometimes it was more meaningful to dwell on certain aspects.

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I had really high expectations for this book and I was very let down

I've been rewatching TBBT lately and it pains me to admit I'm a lot like Sheldon. The only difference is I keep most of these thoughts to myself but I do think and experience them. I don't think that what he says is unreasonable, but I do think it is rude he said it.

I know he's not a very liked character, but does anyone feel the same about him?

I've been working as a software engineer for three years and my team and I have been working on this one app specifically. I was actually hired to work on this one app, so I basically saw it from the ground up. This codebase is huge, with thousands of lines and many external dependencies. Maybe it's just me but I know every single line. I can look at a log and tell you exactly where it's coming from. There are multiple developers on the app and they don't have the slightest idea of what is going on outside of what they coded. I know all of it.

Maybe I've hyperfixated on it or something but I love it. I'm also extremely good at refactoring code. Just looking at what it's currently doing and migrating it to do the same but using different things.

I have a great memory and impeccable attention to detail and they shine here.

I'd like to hear from other people in the same line of work!

I regularly talk to this one guy at work and even though we meet to discuss things we both know and understand, no matter how hard I try to explain certain things I am always met with "I didn't quite catch that" or "could you repeat that?" or "do you mean [something unrelated to what I said]?" or "I didn't follow that" and this is by no means a failure on this guy. He's very patient and understanding and it's very easy to talk to him, there's always just these things. Let me give you an example.

Him: I noticed you aren't doing X here and I think I may know why but I want to ask you why you're not doing it and see if we both have the same reasoning

Me: [knowing exactly what he meant and thinking 'I didn't decide on not doing X on my own. We discussed it when we last met and we arrived together at the same conclusion. He must have forgotten we discussed it together and thinks I did it all on my own. I don't want to give the reasoning we both arrived at together as if it were just my own and basically take ownership of it] yes, we discussed this last time

Him: Oh! [surprised that we discussed it]

Me: ... so we both probably have the reasoning, but we both said we wouldn't do X because x, y and z and we agreed it would be better if we just didn't do it.

Him: [pause. He's thinking. I know he didn't understand all of it] so you're saying you decided to not do X because xyz?

Me: yes.

There are two problems here

1. I mentioned we'd both talked about this earlier before to showcase the reasoning was not mine alone. I did not want to make him feel bad for not remembering. I was not looking to point out that he's forgetful or anything like that. I don't know if this is what he took from it but I didn't mean that but I also didn't specify why I said what I said

2. when explaining xyz, I explained them in depth when I could have been briefer.

To me, my message is extremely clear but it conveys information 1) and 2). I understand that while processing 1) he might have missed 2). But, I never intended to convey 1). My message was purely 2) but I can see now looking back how 1) slips in there.

Another example:

Him: did you see the message on the chat?

Me: yes.

Him: [pause] what did you think of it?

Me: [oh on his first question he was asking me if I'd seen it AND what I thought about it. He made a pause because he expected me to keep talking] I thought [my thoughts]

This one is not really a misunderstanding of meaning, but rather a misunderstanding of intentions

Another example: he's asking me about how something should work. If it should be allowed or not

Him: I know this is something that is typically my job to decide but you've worked on this feature more than me and so I want to ask you what you think should happen.

Me: ok. If we take into account what we're asking the user to do, and the failure escenarios we're taking into account, and how the replay looks like and what we consider a failure, this is a bug and it should be allowed.

Him: [pause] I didn't quite catch that. You're saying it should be allowed because of the replay scenario we're taking into account?

Me: [thinking yes but not entirely] I just mean [explain it all in detail]

This last example is a big dodgy here because I obviously can't explain the context of it well. It makes it sound like he doesn't fully understand the problem or something and that is not the case at all. I explained the way I did because I knew he would understand it. He knows all of it. It's just my way of explaining wasn't good.

I can't really explain how I explain things and maybe I'll come up with a better term someday, but I think I explain in boxes. What I mean by this is that given whatever it is I'm talking about, I separate it into different boxes in my head. This separation is obvious to me. It just comes to me as the only way to separate the problem. I will then go over the first box and explain it fully. Once that's done I will explain how it relates to box 2 and what that box means. And so on until I finish it.

For example, if someone asked me to explain what brushing your teeth is, I automatically see these boxes in my head.

- Items (toothbrush, toothpaste, a sink, water)

- importance (why you should do it. What happens if you don't)

- Time (when you should do it and how often)

- Action (how to actually do it)

I understand most people when asking about how to brush your teeth may only want the last box, the Action box. But to me that is insufficient. I may tell you how to perform the action. But in order to do that you first need to know what the Items are, for example. And you should also know the Time so you know when to do it. And knowing the Importance of it will change how you perform the Action. By knowing how serious it can be you will take it more seriously and this will affect how Actions looks like to you.

I understand this is a small example but it is very indicative of how I think and explain things. I have trouble skipping over steps because it is all important in my mind. For example if someone tells me "put this on the shelf" I will ask why. I want to know what the reason is. If the reason is "I don't want the baby to get a hold of this" then I know the drawer is actually a better option and suggest that. If the reason is "I just don't want it on the floor" then I know it is safe to set it on the table. If the reason is "because it belongs on the shelf" then I will put it there, this time and always. I just always have those extra questions to know the deeper, underlaying meaning of what someone is asking, so I just give all the reasoning when explaining so the person I'm talking to doesn't have to ask me a single question. Whatever question they might have had, I've already answered it

I've been at my job for three years and it's been very good. I'm the youngest there and it was my first job, so everyone is aware of this and treats me like a kid (they have children around my age). The team is scattered around the continent and I work mainly with this one guy who's in another location. We've never met. He's been my mentor/senior in charge of me. I'm a fast learner and pretty smart so I've picked up on things quickly and we get on great. He's extremely patient and very kind and I really enjoy talking to him. Whenever we meet to discuss something we end up talking for 1 or 2 hours and I always feel recharged afterwards. He's very easy to talk to and even though I'm not, he's great at not making it awkward.

My boss (same location as me) is a very fair man but he sometimes talks about people behind their backs. Nothing too serious and he seems to always be justified in what he says. I've always been cautious though about what he says and take it as information but not as facts. I let myself come to my own conclusions. A couple months ago he mentioned this one guy was going to be joining our team. I knew the guy by seeing him around the office and I saw him once helping someone on our team with something. So, I thought he was a good guy and was surprised when my boss started saying he liked causing trouble and was rude and disrespectful. I took this as just my boss talking about his opinions and not facts.

So, it was a couple weeks later and this guy has officially joined our team. The senior I enjoy talking to was assigned to him and so they met on the phone and whatnot to discuss work. The new guy then comes to me and this girl because he knows we work with this senior and starts asking us about him. Because I like the senior a lot, I always only say good things about him (he's very smart, he knows what he's doing, he's very patient, he's very neat with his work, etc). The new guy said he disagreed and found him to be rude and called him an asshole. I was taken back by this. The senior is genuinely one of the best people I've ever met. I didn't know what to say and the conversation quickly ended after that but it left a bad taste in my mouth.

This last Thursday we all had a team meeting where we discussed progress. The senior goes one by one and we talk about what we've been up to. He starts by asking the new guy about what he's working on and he explains and says something like "yes, I've been working on X. It's going great! I'm using A to complete the task". The senior recaps by saying "okay, so you're using A and you think it's going well and you will be able to finish it?" And they kept talking like this. In my head I'm thinking "I've worked on X before and we were using B, not A. You can use A for sure but the work that's already there is being done with B. Did he change it? Does he not know that what's already there is using B?" I was just thinking about the work and how this A vs B may cause a misunderstanding or rework in the future. I spoke up and said "excuse me, sorry. Why did you say A? we're using B" the new guy I think didn't like my question and asked me something back that I didn't understand at all and simply said "the work that's already been done has been done using B" and he said "yes, ok B! That's what I meant" so it seems like he'd just misspoke earlier. I thought "good, that's been cleared " and moved on. Later on, I see the girl who's sitting next to me got a teams message on her computer and she was being sneaky about it. I don't exactly know how I knew that, I just did. We were still on the call, so I pretended to not have noticed this. I peaked again at her computer and it said "what is going on with your partner? Is [my name] angry?" And my heart dropped thinking "what the hell. That is a very distasteful message to send to someone". The girl replied "no, I don't think so. Why?" And I felt betrayed by this answer because I felt she was feeding into it rather than taking my side. I know he replied something and it was quite lengthy (not an "I'm not sure" or something like that) but I wasn't able to read the response.

And you know, I wasn't angry. At all. I've never been angry at work. I feel that's a very personal emotion to have at work. At work I've been cold and tired. That's it. What is kind of eating me up is what made him think I was angry. Was it what I said? The way I said it?

Given what my boss said about this guy and the fact he already spoke badly about the senior I like very much makes me think it's more to do with him than me, but maybe there's something about me too. Is it possible that I've been coming off as rude? I really like the senior and I get the feeling he likes talking to me, he even said he likes it when I ping him and apologized for pinging me so much because he doesn't want to bother me (I told him I don't mind it!). But, I am afraid I've perhaps come off as rude to him sometime. I truly always mean the best

Even though I'm not naturally good with people, when I want I am a social chameleon. I can adopt other people's language and mannerisms and instantly clock them as what "type of person" they are. Because of this I think I would be a good salesman.

Do you think the same for yourself? Do you think you're a social chameleon?

SDD (spec driven development)

Disclaimer: lo usé poco y todavía me estoy adentrando

A mí la verdad me parece una cagada. No digo que no funcione o que ande mal o nada. Si, me parece útil y todo lo que quieras pero es un bodrio la verdad. Tenemos definidos un millón de specs, cada uno tiene chotocientas líneas. No hay manera de entenderlos, leerlos o modificarlos manualmente. Es algo meramente por y para la IA.

Entiendo que parte del descontrol que tenemos en el equipo es por la falta de conocimiento y que es algo nuevo y nos estamos organizando todavía, pero me resulta muy aburrido y deprimente. En mí caso la documentación (ya sea leerla o producirla) siempre me pareció una tarea tediosa y aburrida, lenta y ahora es básicamente el 90% de lo que tenemos que hacer.

No sé. Esperaré a ver cómo se desenlaza porque por ahora no me estaría gustando

Mí rol generalmente no me lleva a revisar PRs pero esta vez tocó. Era un refractor mediano diría yo de una API legacy. Cuestión que lo empiezo a revisar y me di cuenta al toque que la persona que lo subió no lo había ni leído, mucho menos pensado. Se dio la casualidad que ese día en la oficina tenía a esta persona sentada al lado mío así que le fui tirando el feedback mientras lo veía. Sino, el PR hubiera tenido alrededor de 100 comentarios y no exagero. Dejo algunos diálogos de la sesión:

Yo: por qué acá hiciste esto y no aquello?

Persona: que cosa? mmm no se. Para que le pregunto [a claude]

(2 minutos después me da una explicación que no tiene ningún sentido y no responde a mí pregunta. Le pido que lo cambie a como yo decía)

P: ah pero y como se hace eso?

(yo pensando "y ese es tu trabajo")

Y: no sé cómo sería el código en si. Debe ser algo así (le expliqué a grandes rasgos como lo haría)

P: ah ok ahí le pido que lo haga.

Acá tuve el privilegio de ver cómo usaba la IA. Básicamente le escribía el peor prompt que vi en mí vida, agarraba el celular mientras claude resolvía. Cuando terminaba le daba aceptar a todo, sin ver absolutamente nada. Corría la app de nuevo para ver qué andaba y me decía "ahí está"

Otra cosa:

Y: por qué se cambió esto? El método tal retornaba true y ahora retorna false.

P: no se. Yo no hice eso. No le dije que cambiara eso.

(Yo mirando a la nada)

P: igual no está bien que retorne false ahora? Si lo cambio fue por algo

Y: nono. Esta lógica no cambio. Tendría que estar igual que antes.

P: ok ahí le pido que lo cambie

(Aca me estaban saliendo canas verdes. Cómo le vas a pedir a la IA que te cambie literalmente una palabra???)

Otra:

Y: (empiezo a ver un archivo y el largo, tiene lógica rara, es difícil de leer). Que es este archivo? Que hace esta función y dónde se usa?

P: a ver.. y eso? No me acuerdo de eso. Para que le pregunto que hacía.

(Acá ya me estaba muriendo en la silla)

P: ah sí esto es (alguna explicación regurgitada de la IA)

Estuve como tres horas mirando el PR. Entre que le hacía preguntas, le daba feedback, esto lo otro, etc. Al final siento que termine yo haciendo el trabajo.

Quiero aclarar que esto no es una crítica a la IA. Claramente aca el problema es del uso que se le dio. El problema es que el uso este está permitido y es posible hacer esto. Antes, no creo que nadie nunca haya subido un PR del que literalmente tuviera tan poca idea. Realmente no me podía contestar ninguna pregunta. Siento que trabaje mucho y perdí mucho tiempo que no me correspondía.