r/AutismTranslated

I’m autistic and have ADHD, and I recently got a prescription for medical cannabis. I’m also on ADHD meds and a mood stabilizer.
What’s surprised me is how much it seems to turn down the noise in my head. Instead of having a million things going on at once, I can actually be present—watch a movie, focus on one thing, and channel my energy into actually getting stuff done instead of avoiding it.

A good analogy is my mind is running on multiple channel simultaneously, but it kind of reduces it to a single channel. So my thoughts are slowed down, but that’s actually a good thing as it allows me to more effectively focus on one thing at a time.

I also feel like I can read people and subtle social cues better, which normally doesn’t come naturally to me.
I’ve been using it daily and, so far, I actually feel more productive and present, not less. I’m not really interested in getting recreationally high. If something is genuinely improving my quality of life, I’m comfortable treating it like medicine.
Curious if any other autistic/ADHD people have had a similar experience? Especially anyone who has used it longer term—did it continue to help?

One time I was at a job fair and asked a booth if the donuts they had were free and they said “no they’re 5$ a box. Nah I’m playin, they’re free.”

I find it annoying because it’s like they think making someone feel stupid is fun.

This might sound like a stretch but, this sounds like one of those signs of shadiness I would tell other autistic people to watch out for. I don’t just mean shady in a “you can’t be yourself around them sense” I also mean shady in a “this guy has 5 billion warrants for their arrest” sense

Hi so I'm trying to figure out if I may have autism and I'm struggling with the "need for a routine" question. I don't really have a daily routine and I don't get upset if my day is interrupted. However, here are a few things that I'm wondering if they qualify:

- I have a dish per restaurant that I always get

- If friends are coming over they cannot show up early, late is fine but I've literally had people show up early and noped out to go rollerblading (it helped a little but I felt off for another two or so hours)

-While studying to graduate high school I made myself a schedule of when to do what in excel and while I would sometimes leave early if I was done with all my tasks (and I'd do tasks I planned in for the next day if I was done with all of mine that day), I adhered to it like 90% for like 3 months and it honestly felt like a safety blanket like it was quite comforting. Also the times I didn't bcs of complete mental exhaustion it would make me quite upset.

-if I've planned to do my tasks in a certain order, I can only tolerate a limited amount of disruption in that order before I loose all motivation and ability to be productive

I do really care about someone in my life at present who has autism. I think reading articles and watching educational videos are not enough for me to learn it. I want to know more so I could really see where he is coming from and to not take his long periods of absence personally. May I know if could I ask anyone of you here? I really wanna understand it as a neurotypical. Thank you to anyone who'll lend an ear directly.

https://preview.redd.it/v6qrvgl761kh1.png?width=1808&format=png&auto=webp&s=285778d9de27f3dc4e012cac531fc7f114345c63

So most of the people in a friend group I'm a part of like to party hard. I like being around these people, but I've had to make boundaries about what I will or won't do with them. I already don't go with them to bars bc it ends up being a sensory nightmare for me.

One of these friends had a pool party recently. I decided to go. I ended up being extremely overstimulated from having to sit in the sun without anything covering me but a hat. They did have one beach umbrella but it's very heavy and nobody would help me move it as the sun moved. The heat was also extremely painful for me. And the bugs when the sun went down were horrendous bc I'm sensitive to touch anyway, and feel intense repulsion anytime a bug is on me, even small harmless ones.

It wouldn't be as much of an issue if they didn't want to be outside 95% of the time the party was happening.

It was a sleepover and I only ended up getting 3 hours of sleep bc I was too overstimulated to relax. Honestly the best part was the next morning when I just said fuck it and went inside alone to nap on a futon for a couple of hours.

I don't think I want to go to the next pool party he's planning. I don't really feel safe asking for people to help accommodate me, bc most of them do get very drunk at parties like this. And good intentions disappear when you get drunk. I also don't really want to feel like the odd one out when everyone else is relaxing and having fun.

I feel bad tho bc I hadn't hung out with most of them in a while and they said they missed me. I think they might keep asking to know why I won't go. But I can't really help it that their summer activities are too much for my nervous system.

Hi, everyone.

I'll try not to make this too long.

I (33f) have been "weird" my entire life. It's only in the past two years, when my two youngest children (3 yo male & 5 yo male) were diagnosed with autism, when I started to research autism and things just clicked for me.

As a kid, I was very isolated and always wanted to just read. My mom forced me to go to birthday parties because she was "worried about me always being alone." I would dance constantly in my room to music, my brain racing with scenarios involving my hyperfixations (mostly on fictional characters, which I still do, and I'm also a writer). I never had friends at school. A few acquaintances that were pleasant to be around, but wouldn't call them friends.

I was diagnosed with anxiety as a teenager. Something I still take medication for, which has helped a lot. One doctor suspected me of having Asperger's, but because she wasn't my official doctor in the residential treatment center I was in, an official diagnosis was never made.

I married my husband (now 34m) when we were both 22, and we just clicked right off the bat. We were both awkward, loved reading, and just genuinely enjoyed being around each other. We've been married almost 12 years, and he and I both suspect that he might also be on the spectrum. We have three kids, 10m, 5m, and 3m, and I struggled with postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis with all of them. I love spending time with my kids, but sometimes I get really overwhelmed with all their sounds.

Now that I've been researching more about autism, so much that I felt shame for things I thought were "wrong" with me. I've been trying to unmask, and it feels so liberating. I'm not ashamed of my special interests and hyperfixations anymore. I get excited telling my husband about my current WIP, and tell him all kinds of odd details about my characters. He always listens with enthusiasm and gets almost as excited as I do, haha. I joke with him that he "matches my freak," lol.

In social events, I'm absolutely terrified and remain terrified until I cry after the event once I'm home. I try to act "normal" and determine what a normal person would say in response to something. I used to nap a lot because my brain was just so full of noise, and I wanted to disappear into one of my stories.

Now that you have the background, here's my problem: I'm afraid of getting an official diagnosis. Because what if I don't have autism, and I'm just "weird"? I know I have it -- but I'm afraid everyone will think I'm just looking for attention. My parents and siblings don't believe me when I say I have it because "I'm too high functioning."

Every time I tell someone that I'm on the spectrum, I feel like I have to pull out my whole history and life story to justify it. Why do I feel that way? Why do I feel like I'm taking up other people's valuable space in this world? Why do I feel like a weird alien everywhere I go?

Anyway. Thank you so much for reading. My heart hurts, and I just want to feel beautifully and unashamedly me for once in my life.

For context, I am autistic and my boyfriend isn't, but he does have ADHD. I also posted this story on r/relationship_advice but I figured it might be good to tell other autistic people about this. If this isn't the right sub for this or if you think it might be better somewhere else then please let me know!! I just feel really at a loss. I am not sure if I am just not understanding something or if this is just a weird situation outside of my autism. So here is the story:

This morning we were texting each other like normal. About work stuff, art, mentioning he was working tonight, just average things. Between texts I was scrolling on instagram and I noticed that my friend that I have known since the beginning of high school just got engaged to her boyfriend of a couple years. Which is great for her! They went hiking for the proposal, the ring was stunning, I am happy for her. So I texted my boyfriend saying that my friend just got engaged and how weird it was seeing other people's milestones in life. He has often said similar things while on social media before, but usually about career stuff and not relationships. He just acknowlegded what I said and told me they were probably on a different trajectory than I am. Which obviously is the case, as is the case for everyone. I told him that I was my friend's "fake boyfriend" in highschool as a joke, obviously me and her are both into men, this was just to get a random guy to leave her alone. His response was "Oh I see." I don't really know what that meant but I didn't think it was bad.

(My boyfriend and I met in our 20s so we don't really know a lot about each other's high school experience.)

I move on and say it really doesn't matter all that much and that I don't even really talk to anyone from high school anymore let alone use Instagram or Facebook often enough to see posts about people's lives. He asked me why I was telling him any of this. Which made me confused, I was just talking to talk. No real reason. I say random stuff to my boyfriend all the time. Yesterday I asked for his opinion on random tiktok drama because it involved a musician and he is a professional musican himself, so it isn't like we never talk about things outside of the basics. So I tell him that I was just sharing it to talk and that there wasn't a real reason and he said that it sounded like I "feel like I need to be engaged right now." Which to me was CRAZY because I absolutely do NOT need to be engaged right now. I don't think there is a specific engagement age or that I am late for some deadline. Plus I have only been with my boyfriend for about 6 months and we don't live together. He knows how I feel about people who get engaged after only a couple months, how it is crazy to me. We have talked about this before because I was telling him about how crazy it was that my cousin moved to another state with someone and now is engaged in less than 6 months. How wild it was to me that anyone would do something so quickly. He even talked to me about his friend's sister picking out baby names with her boyfriend after only a few weeks and we both agreed that was crazy. So I don't know what I said that made him think I was trying to hint at anything like that.

I start to get the feeling he is upset with me or about our conversation or maybe upset about something different all together? I really don't know. So I apologized which seemed to make things even worse. He told me I am not taking responsibilty for answering him/his texts and that don't seem to care and that I made him very uncomfortable. Which he didn't say anything about before so I honestly had no clue anything I said had even made him uncomfortable. He then told me he is leaving for work and we can talk later. I was confused and tried to just apologize but I don't really think I did anything wrong. I don't know what he was upset about or what made him uncomfortable? I don't know what I wasn't taking responsibility for? I do understand that my apology might not mean much if I don't understand what I am apologizing for. It was more of a panicked response to it clicking in my head that something had upset him and I obviously don't want him to be feeling bad or uncomfortable about anything. He gets off work in about an hour and honestly I don't know what to say to him. I don't really understand if what I said was really that bad or that uncomfortable.

It just feels so weird. I have struggled with our communication before due to my autistm so I am not sure if that is what is going on here or maybe something else? It feels awful not being able to tell if I am just bad at communicating...

​

Whenever it is with coworkers, acquaintance etc. It never gets past the small talk, corporate persona...

Hello everyone! Not sure where to post this, so sorry if its wrong in this community! Pls correct me :)

[Sorry for the long post but i really need help, and you might need the context (if you need to know more you can always ask)]

I need some advice from people that are autistic/have something similar to my case.

I am very weak for my standards, have been exhausted/fatigued for weeks and everything seems to be getting worse. The activitys im doing are almost at the lowest effort i can go. After every activity i do i need to lay down for a period of time (it feels like i need to recover from the activity i did the day before though). I have started to become more sensitive to sensory stuff (lights and sound mostly) and am starting to feel sick.

When it started
I would say i know pretty much when it started, 08. June. I was pretty ill and still went hiking on a mountain/trail that i knew before hand was wayyy out of my mental/physical capacity. It was way worse than expected, but the reason i did it was pretty dumb.

For about a week afterwards i was sick, but it passed. I also got depressed (i am actually not sure if i was or if i just thought i was) for about the next three weeks after, but most importantly, everything was harder. I could also not rest well, and have been exhausted ever since.

I then had summer break for three weeks, but it felt terrible. Everything i did, i had to rest/lay down in the next few hours (idk the exact timeline anymore) or it would just pile up (and it did). For context: i went to visit my family in a different country for two weeks, the last week i was at home. When i was at home it was spent resting. I wasnt too happy about it, because i could barely do any of my hobbies.

Three weeks ago i started working/school again (if anyone knows anything about the swiss school system, its called a lehre) and it felt like i “crashed“, i could barely do tasks at work or at home. My routine was pretty basic: wake up, go to work, go home, go to sleep/lay down (additionally i had to shower every second day, do cleaning and go grocery shopping). I could barely cook, started doing my hobbies less and had trouble cleaning.

The next week it got worse, i had to sit down while showering, had to clean over the course of multiple days, had one prepared/cooked meal and got slower at my work. I cant handle sounds anymore

This week has just started ik, but i am very light sensitive now, am having flu-line/feverish symptoms (not really any pain yet, but its coming), and i feel like my legs are slowly giving up. Also i have started to feel a lot colder than it is/a lot hotter than it is. (idk if its relevant but i sweat so much out of my hands they look like i just took a hot bath)

Does anyone know what it could be? I have been researching, and it doesnt fit the criteria of autistic burnout (in my eyes, but i still think it is, because its the easiest thing to solve), normal burnout or a depressive episode. On a “diagnosis“ plattform (netdoctor) i have been seeing a lot of thyroid problems, dementia or something like chronic fatigue/me. My symptoms so far have been clostest to chronic fatigue, but i really cant think of a reason to have that.

Any tips? Or anyone know what it is?

Additional context:

-I am on the second job market (if you know what i mean)

-i work at a desk job which isnt very demanding

-i do still have some ressources to try out to maybe help the symptoms

-i am twenty years old (i dont think gender is relevant yet, but if you want to know you can ask ig)

-no, i cant exercise or do hobbies, i simply dont have the energy for that and will feel worse later

-i am a low support need autistic (diagnosed if thats relevant)

-i am also diagnosed with bipolar (i take meds and am pretty stable)

-i have therapy next week

-i regularly discuss either just my fatigue or my symptoms with my boss/coach and my mother

-i have two goals right now: keep living alone and finish the third year of my school (of four)

i suspect i have autism because theres things about me that i cant really explain or i have trouble doing so. like making new friends, trying new things, why i get so attatched to a certain thing or person , especially people because ive been told im obessesive and weird and its with almost every relationship i have like if someone shows interest with me, i end up doing too much then losing it then lose myself and its a pattern. i also notice patterns in evverything and i have a unique way of thinking when i want to process emotions like in inside out, there's different emotions i have different voices that manage different emotions in my head. their names are persephone, rose, pinkie, athena, reverie and senette. if u want me to get into what they all do then i will. anyways, i also dont know what im feeling most of the time but i know the why, like if something happens im able to describe that and what it may make me do or how i react but the actual feeling.. im not sure of it most the time. i dont know .. i js know i spend a lot of time in my head and it makes me look like im angry or sad but im really just neutral and theres nothing wrong with me. but when i am angry or sad i dont wanna talk to people i just wanna listen to music and stuff.. i prefer being alone and working alone rather than in groups.. its hard for me to keep friends so thats why i dont have much rn and i usually observe people when im in a group setting rather than talking but i will respond if someone talks to me first. sometimes i dont understand what is expected of me because no one tells me and then i get punished for it and im just left hurt and confused. i remember having one friend when i was in pre-k, her name was vaneska and she was white with two front teeth missing and thats like the only friend i remember from when i was that young. and then in first grade i had one close friend, desiree . and then other people id js observe and speak when spoken to. i know this childhood stuff matters, but i cant remember much and if i do come to remember it comes in waves if that makes sense. my mom would be able to say more stuff but she doesnt believe i have any of this stuff and that its a bad thing and she dismissed it the last time i tried telling her. but my dad seemed more open to it. i told him sza has autism and he was surprisd, i told him when her song was playing and i was hinting js bc someone is not ur typical autistic person, it doesnt mean they cant have it. cus its a spectrum and whatknot. i usually feel invalid cus i know im not neurotypical.. i js know it i always feel something wrong and maybe thats why i wanted to end it all, because neurodivergent people usually think in black and white thinking its either all or nothing. in march or april i felt a lot of emotions so i thought why feel anything at all when i could be gone? i didnt rlly think it thru cus it would affect everyone around me and im not like that anymore i swear.. its also sum that comes in waves. i cry for no reason sometimes too. and like im very self aware so it may seem like im okay but i think thats just me masking it . i also stim a lot like i spin, go back n forth, kick my leg rapidly, and when i lay down i brush my foot with my other foot if that makes sense. and since i was young i always bit the inside of my mouth and this one time my dad noticed it when we were in the bathroom but ig he aint think much of it and i dont blame him. and my mom would notice the white cast itd leave but she'd think it was cus i didnt brush right and thats far from the truth. i js dont tell her. i wanna be able to tell them this stuff but im always scared of how they react and i wanna just avoid it.. and theres so much stuff i can write about how ive been over the years but i think this is enough for now... so heres the test score i did cus i feel they'd be relevent alongside this personal account . and mb its not like perfect. anyways:

* AQ: 33/50 — just over the commonly used 32 threshold.
* RAADS-R: 143/240 — substantially elevated.
* Aspie Quiz: 143/200 — strongly weighted toward the neurodivergent end.
* CAT-Q: 142/175 — this is very high.
* TAS-20: 64/100 — elevated alexithymia traits.

so yea.. idk if any of these things point to autism automatically, but i feel its consistent enough for me to have a reasonable suspicion of having it. ive been researching this for months now

TL;DR: I’m realizing I have strong reason to believe I have autism and ADHD, and I wanna get tested. Any advice?

Hi everyone! 😅❤️

I’m 29M and over the last few months — especially the last few days — I’ve started seriously wondering whether I might be autistic, possibly with ADHD as well.

I want to be very clear upfront: I am not diagnosed, I’m not claiming that I definitely am autistic, and I’m planning to pursue a professional evaluation. I’ve previously been diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, and for years I assumed that explained most of my difficulties. Lately I’ve been realizing that it probably does explain some of them, but maybe not the whole picture.

And honestly, realizing that has been incredibly relieving. 😅 It feels less like “something is wrong with me” and more like “ohhhh… maybe this is just how my brain works, and there may actually be a framework for understanding it.”

Some of the things that have made me wonder:

Social interaction has never felt intuitive to me. I consciously think about what I’m supposed to say, rehearse conversations beforehand, replay them afterward, and often need extra time to process what someone meant.

I miss hints and flirting constantly, sometimes misunderstand sarcasm/jokes, and generally prefer very direct communication.

Group conversations are difficult. I often either say nothing because I can’t find the right moment to speak, or interrupt because I’m afraid I’ll lose the thought. Sometimes I’ll finally respond to something that was said several minutes ago because I was still processing it.

I feel like I’ve learned a lot of social behaviour analytically by observing other people and reusing what works. I act somewhat differently around different groups, and maintaining that can be tiring.

Eye contact feels uncomfortable and distracting, and I consciously regulate it.

I hate small talk and am much more comfortable talking about something specific or meaningful.

I also have a very strong need for predictability and routine.

Unexpected changes can genuinely upset me, even when I intellectually know they aren’t a big deal. Once I’ve found a system or procedure that works, I can become very rigid about wanting it done that way. I’m very analytical, perfectionistic, obsessed with internal consistency, classifications, definitions, systems, rules, edge cases, etc.

That has caused some real problems at work. I’m a brewer at a craft brewery, and I’ve realized that I can get very attached to specific workflows/processes and sometimes dismiss other people’s ideas too quickly because I already know “my way” works. I’m actively working on being more collaborative and delegating more.

My interests can also get very intense.

Music is probably the biggest example. I’m a musician and producer, and my brain automatically analyzes music whether I want it to or not — harmony, melody, rhythm, arrangement, production, timbre, mix, everything. If there’s background music playing somewhere, I often literally cannot tune it out. Certain music in public spaces can become so mentally exhausting that I struggle to follow conversations or focus on anything else.

On the other hand, music I love can be incredibly regulating and stimulating.

I also hyperfocus heavily on brewing systems, gear, music theory, composition, spreadsheets/rankings, gaming systems, classifications, etc. I’ll build ridiculously elaborate systems around hobbies for no practical reason other than because understanding the system feels good. 😅

At the same time, I have a lot of traits that make me wonder about ADHD too:

I procrastinate important but boring tasks for ridiculous amounts of time.

I start ambitious projects with huge enthusiasm and leave many unfinished.

I can focus intensely for hours if I’m interested, but struggle badly with things that don’t interest me.

I lose track of time.

I get distracted by my own thoughts.

I have trouble switching tasks.

I forget administrative things even when they’re genuinely important.

I need novelty and stimulation, while somehow also desperately needing structure and predictability. 😂

Sensory-wise, sound is by far the biggest thing, but I’m also sensitive to some smells, textures, bright lighting, crowded environments, unexpected physical touch, and temperature. I fidget/stim a lot — bouncing my legs, pacing, tapping, rocking, playing with objects, repeating phrases/sounds, humming, whistling, etc.

Emotionally, I care very deeply about people, but I often struggle to figure out exactly what I’m feeling or what someone else is feeling unless I analyze it. Writing is much easier than speaking for me. I can have a huge emotional reaction internally while appearing fairly composed externally.

Childhood history is another thing that made me take this more seriously. Looking back, I was always very intense about my interests, preferred one-on-one friendships, spent huge amounts of time alone with music/video games/collections, had strong routines, was very rule-conscious, corrected adults/teachers when I thought they were wrong, was a picky eater, had some sensory sensitivities, and often felt socially different from other kids.

Adults usually described me as some combination of shy, stubborn, sensitive, intelligent, eccentric, or “set in my ways.”

I also had some later-than-average toileting/bedwetting issues as a kid and longstanding GI issues, which I understand are not diagnostic of autism at all, but I’ve read that they can sometimes coexist with neurodevelopmental conditions.

One of the biggest things for me is this:

If my social anxiety magically disappeared tomorrow, I still don’t think social interaction would suddenly make complete sense to me. I would still struggle with timing, knowing what to say, reading people, interpreting hints, and figuring out what response is socially expected sometimes.
That’s what really made me think, “Okay… maybe anxiety isn’t the whole explanation here.”

I’ve also realized that I’ve been unconsciously masking/compensating a lot over the years. I’ve gotten better socially, but it feels like I got better by learning the rules, not because it suddenly became intuitive.

Right now I’d say I strongly identify with autistic and ADHD experiences, but I’m keeping that distinction between self-identification and diagnosis very clear. If a professional eventually tells me I’m not autistic or don’t have ADHD, and gives me a different explanation that fits better, I’m completely open to that too.

I mostly feel relieved and fascinated. 😅 It feels like my entire life has suddenly been retroactively re-contextualized.

So I guess I’m curious about a few things:

For those diagnosed as adults, did you go through a similar “holy crap, this explains everything” phase?

Does any of what I’ve described sound familiar to you?

How did you approach getting assessed as an adult?

What helped you while waiting for an evaluation?

How did you decide who to tell?

Did diagnosis change how you handled work, relationships, sensory issues, masking, etc.?

If you also have AuDHD, how do you manage the weird combination of craving both consistency and novelty? 😅

Is there anything you wish you had known at the beginning of the process?

I’d really appreciate any perspectives, whether that’s “this sounds familiar,” “this could be ADHD/anxiety rather than autism,” “you should definitely get evaluated,” or anything else.

I’m not looking for Reddit to diagnose me. I’m just really curious to hear from people who actually live with this stuff.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. 😅❤️

I was jumped by a group of three men who shouted homophobic slurs at me near their pickup truck outside of The Seal pub in Harwich. Message me if you witnessed the incident or if you have any information.

Note: I’m sorry I couldn’t include more gender identities as response options - the poll has a limit on how many options I can add. If your gender identify isn’t listed here, please feel free to share it in the comments if you’re comfortable doing so :), if you don’t feel comfortable sharing your identity you can just comment yes or no as well :)

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Stupid question but I just found out that looking at the spot between someone's eyes isn't eye contact, apparently? So do people just stare at one eye? I don't understand. I thought I'd been making eye contact this whole time

I would go underground during every semester break and ignore all calls made to me by my college buddies. For no particular reason other than I didn't want to speak to them. I wouldn't even answer when they called on my birthday. And then when I returned back after the break, they would feel like strangers to me. Even if we were best friends before the month long break

Hi. I have never done this before, but im tired to only seek for help on an Ai chat. I want to talk to real people about this and hopefully someone may understand and might be going through the same or something similar.

I suspect that I'm autistic. No, actually I'm pretty sure that I'm autistic, and even if that wasn't the case, I am different. I know I have something.

I have been self-diagnosed for almost five years now. I know, I know, people might jump on me and tell me that it's harmful for the neurodivergent community and I totally agree, but that's how I have managed not to get severely depressed. I intend to explain this as good as I can and I really apologize if I make a mistake since this isn't my first language.

It all started by knowing the term of autism. I got really really curious by it and got obsessed after investigating it for a bit. The more I learned, the more I saw myself in it. Mostly it all started with all the experiences from people like me sharing their experiences on social media, and everything just seemed to get together.

But I knew that it wasn't enough, so I investigated more and more and more.

I'm not willing to tell every single detail of these past five years of investigation, I just want to get to the point that after I've made all of the existing tests online about autism, after I've read all the articles, after I've watched all the documentaries, I am sure that I am different, whether it's autism or not.

I thought that certain things that happened to me also happened to everyone, but it wasn't like that. I know what y'all say, that a single trait does not therefore mean that im autistic, but it's just too many traits that are interfering with the quality of my life constantly.

And lately it's been getting worse.

I don't remember the last time I fell asleep without crying and shaking under the covers because having had to go outside. I'm exhausted of everything, even when I'm at home. Things that I could easily manage, like not finding a pair of socks, now make me burst into tears, hit my head and hurt my chest. It's been three months now.

I have always been a really sensitive child, very adult-like back then. But that's not the point.

I have asked my mom to take me and get diagnosed, but eventhough she agreed, I don't see her very convinced. She believes everything can be controlled with the 'power of the mind' and stuff, but the reality is that that's not true.

The worst part is that I can't tell her everything that I've been going through, I don't know what holds me back from venting to my parents, but I just... Sigh.

And my dad has the image of the stereotypical autistic boy, like in the good doctor.

I'm also scared that they take me to get a diagnostic and they don't do the procedure properly because im a girl and y'all know how things are. If that happens, my parents are never going to take me for another test because they don't know anything about it and will just trust blindly what the doctor says.

And I'll have to finish school and college without any psychological support. And when I get to adulthood, I don't know if I could afford a test again.

I will have to live the rest of my life suffering, without a medical support, with a constant imposter syndrome, meltdowns, bullying.

The thing is that I don't know if I'll ever make it past 30. Not in a su1c1d4l way, but in a way that i don't know if i could deal with everything im dealing constat in my every day + adulthood. Being independent, having a job, my own house, my own car... I don't think I'll be capable of any of that.

Society has traumatized me in a way most people don't understand when I tell them about it, and if it's true that im autistic and my suspicions were right, that will mean that im not just an insanely sensitive crybaby.

I don't think anyone will read or interact with this bs, but if someone did, thank you.

Hey everyone. I've made a couple of recent posts about how my therapist told me last week that he thinks I'm on the spectrum.

We talked about it in more detail today and it was a good session. I asked him what tipped him off, since he's very familiar with neurodivergence and autism in particular (he has 3 diagnosed autistic children and the majority of his clients are neurodivergent).

Some examples are as follows. He said first of all that I have a flat affect and my facial responses are very limited. I had honestly not thought I was coming across that way bc I feel like I emote a lot - I guess this was me forcing myself to move my face and the effort just feels like a lot. Apparently my hand gestures also come off as more robotic and learned that I had thought, as opposed to spontaneous and natural. He also said I tend to repeat "that's funny" or "that's sad" to things, and I tend to try to anticipate what he's saying by finishing the thought. I also can't look at him when I'm processing questions, although I had been aware of that one.

He also said that I do sometimes take things more literally than I should, which I hadn't been aware of. He's known me for 3.5 years so I trust him to have accurately gauged that.

There were many more things I discussed from my end too, mostly childhood things, and we went in detail talking about them. In the end we decided it's an accurate assumption to move forward assuming that I'm on the spectrum. He said he'll write a note for me if I need some sort of accommodation at work that he can help with, like maybe loop earplugs. But if I end up feeling like I'll need other accommodations (like if I go back to school to get a master's degree), then I'll likely consider a diagnosis.

I think today's session calmed my tendency to invalidate my own struggles. And I had really struggled with feeling the need to "follow the rules" and immediately get an assessment. But I think this was enough to calm that too.

It was just nice to finally have someone tell me to my face what they've noticed, in a non-judgmental way. Instead of me having to continue wondering and feeling lost about what I'm "doing wrong" socially.

*long rant*

Since I was 2, I had this “tic” (what they called it) where I would rock my head when I was focusing or generally doing anything a toddler does. Being from a third world country in the early 2000s (and AFAB) they ruled out autism and other neurological disorders and told my parents that my “tics” will simply go away.

Fast-forwarding years later, the “tic” didn’t go away, it got a little better but nonetheless it was still in my everyday body language and everything else I did. Growing up I was yelled at for doing it, some made fun of me, some were just curious, and some didn’t even notice. But still very much there.

In collage, as a psychology student I opened up the DSM and looked for my condition. I concluded Primary stereotypic movement disorder because there’s no way I’m autistic. I do well socially! Right?! I HAVE HAD friends. I’m not a loner.

Years later, I feel isolated. Not in a literal sense, I have one close friend and a few casual friends, a loving and supportive partner and family. But I feel alienated. I can’t seem to click with my peers. I traveled a lot, met a lot of people. None of them I’m in contact with anymore. Even the ones I had great relationships with and vanished through thin air.

My mom says it’s just the people I met, they are not good enough for me or we had nothing in common etc. she says I was a social kid and was highly empathetic. I was bullied here and there but overall a normal childhood.

Now, I think back, was I ever accepted by my peers? I was mostly called “annoying” or “weird” by them. I tried to do better, became tamer, quieter, more observant. I put on a delightful voice when I speak to strangers, open up my body language, smile more frequently, I listen to what they say and give solid answers (or at least I hope). Now I’m asking myself: is this masking? It feels so natural now, but I scurry back to my hole when I’m done interacting with others.

I crave close friends, but I gain none. No matter what I do. I feel like people interact with me just to be polite and then go on about their business, they text me when they need me (shitty ik) and then they disappear.

I just feel lost and tired. I’m scared this might be an OCD flare-up and I’m becoming obsessed with being (or not being) autistic. I can’t get officially diagnosed yet (financial reasons) and I just wanted to share my experience with people.

Sorry this is a long existential rant for me.
Let me know if anyone has had a similar experience. Advice is welcome.

I think one of the greatest things a neurodivergent person can do for themselves is to genuinely accept that they are different, and that the world isn't necessarily designed around the way their brain and nervous system work.

I had a big realization about this yesterday.

I was completely burnt out. I couldn't do anything, and I didn't even have anyone I felt I could properly share or express myself with. And, as I've done many times before, I ordered tasty food.

But then I noticed something. I've slowly gone from ordering one thing to sometimes ordering two orders at once.

And I suddenly thought, dude, if I keep trying to fill this emotional void through food, this is going to become really unhealthy for me.

That's when I realized that the problem isn't simply that I need more discipline. Something deeper is happening.

I'm exhausting myself because I'm trying to live according to expectations that don't necessarily suit me.

And this is where I think accepting neurodivergence becomes important.

Not as a label. Not as an excuse. But as information.

You start asking: Where does being neurodivergent actually affect me? How does it affect my energy? What overwhelms me? How much stimulation can I handle? How much social interaction do I need? How much recovery time do I need?

And then you start designing your life around those answers.

I think a lot of people, diagnosed or not, eventually discover this. They naturally create slower, quieter, more introspective lifestyles because that's what allows their nervous system to function well.

And I realized I haven't really been doing that.

I've spent a lot of time trying to understand autism philosophically, trying to figure out what it "means" and even wanting to have philosophical conversations about it.

But maybe there isn't always something philosophical to solve.

If something genuinely affects the way you function, you have to first acknowledge that reality and then figure out what you need to do about it.

And I think that's also connected to why I've felt so alone sometimes.

I haven't really created enough space in my own life for the kind of person I actually am. So naturally, I haven't created much space for other people who might understand that either.

Maybe I don't need to find people simply because they have the same label.

Maybe I need to build a lifestyle that actually fits me, and I'll naturally find more people, spaces and relationships that fit into that life.

And I think that's the middle ground I've been looking for.

Not "autism defines me."

Not "autism doesn't matter."

But:

"This is how I am. These are my limits. These are my strengths. And now I need to build a life that works with them."

Because when you genuinely understand your limits, you also start understanding your potential.

And maybe that's where the calmness comes from.