Just wasted my therapy session because I couldn't stop masking
I just came back from a therapy session and it was a disaster. This has only been my fourth appointment out of five with this therapist and I totally wasted my precious, short time (these are what I like to call "booster" sessions, you get five appointments for really urgent situations/topics as sort of an emergency intervention).
Today I wanted to talk about my suspicion that now that I take ADHD medication, what is left after the ADHD symptoms are under control could be signs of autism. Especially since switching from Methylphenidate to Vyvanse and now taking a higher dose, I feel like I just forgot the rules of... everything? Especially in social settings. Anyhow, I wanted to talk about that and give my therapist some examples, but she kept asking about said situations and kept asking and asking, and all her questions somehow led me far away from my initial pursuit. Only after leaving my therapist's office did I realise that I again slipped into the role of the "good and easy patient", that I had not been honest with her because my honesty would be too complicated, too difficult to handle, or too difficult to treat. I gave her the simple-to-solve problems. And I feel so, so stupid for this. I knew she isn't specialised in neurodiversity, since she told me right in the beginning. Again, these therapy sessions are not meant to be anything other than emergency intervention, so I did not expect her to treat my ADHD but... I don't know, I thought therapists nowadays had at least a little more understanding of neurodiversity.
Also, I don't know where this post is going or what my goal is, but I just wanted to put my thoughts and feelings somewhere. I feel so stupid for slipping into that stupid role again, just to make the lives of others easier, to be perceived as facile.