Odd update and Dating Troubles
So, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted and I came back due to a mix of emotions and events. First, I learned that my ex with BPD’s new relationship didn’t work out. Someone she also idealized and built a fantasy future in her head with… and that made me oddly happy and I got quite a few eye rolling laughs out of it. It actually made me relax quite a bit and was kind of the final nail in the coffin of “I wasn’t the problem.” The two things that brought me back are she’s back to portraying herself as this super tradwife, super empathetic, super girly sweet martyr. I have no problems with that anymore, so be it, the problem arises when I notice that that is the role she played for me. She has made new friends and people close to her believe this. She even had distant family convinced of this… then months into our relationship she realized she couldn’t leave that mask on, she couldn’t keep it up, and it deteriorated. She became spiteful, contemptuous, empty, the typical BPD emotions. Part of me still feels like this weird sense of “if I just left her use the mask is that the right thing to do?” I told her she couldn’t keep faking it in the world, keep people pleasing and faking emotions and then being overly exhausted, depressed, and suicidal. It’s this weird part of my brain that goes “did she heal? Or is faking the best she can do?” It’s been 9 months since the discard from her and she was in treatment but always said “I know what they want, I can tell them what they need to hear and get out anytime” during splits. That’s part 1
Part 2 is dating now. With this pretty amazing girl but she has some instability that reminds me of my ex, but it’s not nearly as bad. The fear that lives inside me is that I CANNOT go through what I went through with my ex again. It makes me worry so much more and try to have some better answer. I definitely call out more, address more, and almost never swallow any little bit of how I’m feeling about situations. What hurts is that whenever these things get brought up it’s met with “I don’t know how I feel” or “I’m tired” or some reason that she can’t dig deeper into why she’s super emotional about something or why she had a big reaction. My BPD ex could talk through her feelings to some degree, so even though this new girl is really amazing in a lot of ways, it makes me miss that I could actually feel emotionally close with someone who was being open and vulnerable, even if that was manufactured or manipulative or whatever the case may be. I think the idea in my head that’s hard to shake is when my BPD ex was better at something, a tiny part of my brain goes “she was unstable and she could at least do that” which isn’t fair at all to the new person. How have people felt about that or even resolved it?