I can't deny it any longer (long vent).
Tw: This is just a really long vent.
For the longest time I have refused to believe that I am neurodivergent because I knew there was something wrong with me but i hated the idea that I have an issue that needs constant management instead of something that could be "fixed". And also another reason I denied it is due to me having a really strong hatred towards trendy culture and for the longest while neurodivergence was seen as a quirky trait (probably still is) by people, which soon turned into a trendy term. It made my authenticity radar go violent and red since I really dislike the idea that others do or say specific things to appear a certain way to others instead of simply..saying it cause they mean it. Specifically about trends, like someone who calls themselves emo for wearing black and trying to convince others they are. I really dislike monoculture.
Now..we went off topic. I recently got a job, my second job..but the last one I had was when I was 16 and it simply was a small convenience store job. Don't get me wrong, I hated it. But I enjoyed it far more the first few days as I was in the corner organizing stuff, shutting down my brain and getting a paycheck from that. But now I work at a bakery, I am turning 18 in 3 months. And well..it's just becoming far too obvious that I am neurodivergent the more I am outside of my comfort. This bakery is in the middle of a crowded area, you can guess how many people come in and out. And unfortunately the other workers there already don't like me, it's only been a week of me there. They don't hate me, persay, but I have these traits that make me look..stupid. So they've been infantilizing me and double checking every thing I do incase I make a mistake, even whispering about how bad I am like I am not there.
I'll list them all off if I have to, the reasons of why I am like this. But the others don't understand. They see dumb bitch rather than neurodivergent person.
When I focus on one task, my brain shuts down everything else, someone could call my name and I'd still not hear them because I am trying to fix the bread on the display counter. I lose track of time, infact my time blindness is bad enough that it made me question whether I am neurodivergent or actually incredibly lost. I am frequently late despite getting up early, it frustrates me, though I've been getting up far earlier recently just to arrive on time as my anxiety has been getting to me. My auditory processing delay issues are the loudest(pun maybe) and the first out of all that have been noticed by both me and my parents. They took me to the ear doctor for it when I was like..six maybe? My coworkers could tell me to do something, the customers could ask for something, anyone could speak and it would take me a little too long to realize what they're saying cause it's just gibberish at first. My social issues come next. I struggle with lying since it hurts me, including when someone asks me something very simple; like if their hair looks pretty, I would say yes after making a face and taking too long. I am not creative with words and speech, I envy my coworker that gets along with everyone, speaks so smoothly. I envy their ability to do things and learn so easily when I'm just there. Stupid ol' me getting infantalized and seen as an idiot. "Go do it cause she clearly doesn't know how to." One says, or "she's lost" from the other. Aren't very nice things to say to a new coworker.
But then i understand that maybe I am not fit for the job and it's exactly this that haunts me. The workers aren't inherently wrong about me not being too good at stuff, maybe I don't realize and I just really suck at it, so it feels wrong to even get angry at them if what they're whispering is simply truth and not them being mean.
I just really wish that i wasn't neurodivergent, and I've been convincing myself I am not. But then it also hurts to say I am not because what else could explain all this? The job isn't what made me aware of it, it just made me realize how incredibly incapable I am in a neurotypical environment. How will I survive what life throws at me when I can't survive a bakery job? it's only been a week and I've been coming home sick to my stomach.
Ps: I had so much more to say but I forgot it.