u/ClassicEducation5287

I love my boyfriend from the bottom of my heart. He is almost an integral piece of me. My heart always craves for him. But I don’t know if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I’m slowly starting to like him less day by day. The question is: Is love enough?

Okay, this is perhaps going to be a deep-dive of my 7 year old relationship.

I met him when I was 18 in college. He was my first bf. My first kiss. My first sexual encounter. My first love. My best friend. I feel like there was a point when my whole life simply revolved around him. He was the sun to my planet. The north star guiding me.

I do not have that many friends. I can count the people close to me on my hands. I feel like 90% of my time was around him. He loves me too. I can feel it. But lately. I’m not too sure he respects me or is loyal to me.

So in true Friends fashion, I’m going to make a list of pros and cons on why I should stay with him:

Pros:

• I love him
• I can be my true self around me, no filter
• He’s comfortable
• He’s so pretty, it hurts to look at him
• He’s very intelligent
• We have great sexual chemistry
• He’s my best friend
• He smells so nice always
• When I broke a plate, he didn’t react, was just very calm, never angry in situations
• Veiny arms. He always pushes me to try my best in everything.
• His smile
• His eyes
• The way he looks at me and he takes good care of me. Has always been respectful and kind.
• Has never raised his voice at me and is always patient.
• He told me he woulf only marry me. A month ago, when he came to visit, he said he wants to settle down with me and do life together.
• I love watching shows and movies with him
• He’s ambitious and knows what he wants in his career.
• We always have the best time together.
• He’s travelled a lot outside (I’ve never been out of the country and I've always wanted to travel). We recently went on a week long trip together and he always takes care of me. From lifting luggage, to booking tickets to everything else.
• He’s caring and he's always the first person I tell any of my good or bad news.
• One time, he kissed my feet and ran me a bath. I swear to God, that touched my heart.
• His family has money, good reputation, same values
• His eyes
• I am important to him and his best friend
• My parents (esp my mom) really like him
• He came to visit me in the place I stay for a week. He also came to visit me right after covid was over.
• He always used to drop me and pick me up from the airport
• He knows everything about me and I know everything about him. All his family history, his likes, dislikes, insecurities, goals, everything.

Cons:

• I saw him sext/send flirty messages on instagram (it was in another language so took screenshots and had to translate so not too 100% about the exact context) and call one of the 2 girls when I was going through his phone and when we were doing long distance. We talked about it, and he said nothing happened and they never met and we worked it through and apologized. I am loyal to the core, have never even looked at another guy. I would never wish the way my stomach dropped that day, to anyone else. Lost trust in him and felt fucking betrayed of course.
• I moved to a whole new city to be close to him, took a job in said place, but he said he did not see a future there and moved out, leaving me all alone, with no family there
• He lies easily
• He doesn’t spoil me. I’ve told him so many times that I love gifts, but he never really spends money on me
• He takes me for granted
• Since I was small, I’ve always wanted to leave my country and settle abroad. However, he lives in a two tier city. So even if I married him, I won’t have any career opportunities
• He doesn’t call very frequently. He hardly messages. He says he’s always busy with work. His whole life is work
• He always puts his work above me. We’re already doing long distance and I don;t feel important at all. I feel like even if I left, he would be totally fine. He would hurt in the beginning, but would move on.
• I sometimes feel like I love him more than he loves me
• If we get married, I’d have to live with his family and he is the only son, so has a lot of responsibilities
• The place he lives in has a different language, I don’t speak it. So there won’t be a sense of belonging for me, and I’d be giving up everything to be with him.
• He is always going to keep working, so I’m worried about how involved of a father he would be
• He doesn’t compliment me, hardly ever (and I know for a fact I’m hot af).
• He gaslights me sometimes, and is easily irritated
• This New Years, when we went on a trip with another couple, he was upset with me at at around 11:50 something on NYE because I was acting silly in the photos they were taking, and he wanted couple photos
• I fear I’ll always be in his shadow if I marry him.

So you tell me, is love everything? Is it possible to overcome this? How can I let such a longterm relationship go?

I know. I know. There are so many good things and so many off-putting things about him. Hard to put a pen on anything and for some reason only the bad things come to mind. But these were on the top of my head and I;m an emotional mess rn guys. I’m just scared if I’m ever going to find love again or be able to love another person as deeply as I do him. I am already 25 I’m so scared. I just need courage. I hope I get the courage to do what’s best for my highest self.

Edit: Guys I know. Sometimes, I feel like he knows I won't ever leave him. But I'm just so deep in the comfort zone and scared of the future. What if I won't find someone else? He loves me deeply, I can feel it. But it is going to break my heart. I know I'm supposed to love myself first, I do. But I also know I deserve so much better and that only good things lie. This was the person I thought I was going to marry, build a life with. He still wants to, but I'm not too sure I want to. If I do, everything would be on his terms, and I feel like I'd just disappear like wallpaper. It's just hard to explain. I am an emotional mess. I just need some courage to make the leap and pull off the bandaid. God help me. I thought love is supposed to make your life easier, not hard.