how did you know you wanted a hierarchical structure? questioning whether my views on hierarchy/structure are actually mine
I’ve been reflecting on how my views around hierarchy and structure in polyamory have shifted, and I’m struggling to tell what’s genuinely aligned for me vs what has been shaped by specific relationships (and by ideas I’ve internalized about what “good poly” is supposed to look like).
I think I carry some baggage around the idea that being “good” at poly means being as non-hierarchical and unstructured as possible, like wanting structure somehow means you’re less evolved, less secure, or doing poly “wrong.” I’m realizing that belief is in the background of a lot of this, and I’m trying to examine whether it’s actually mine.
I was dating someone who said they wanted “structure” and some level of hierarchy in their poly relationships. The thing is, we ended things before we ever got to fully unpack what that actually meant for them, and I’m realizing I never got clarity on whether we were talking about intentional agreements or something more fear driven.
From what little I knew, I sometimes got the sense that their need for structure might have been coming from insecurity/anxiety/avoidance rather than from grounded intentionality. But I also know I could be projecting or misreading that.
That relationship still hurts. It mattered deeply to me, and I think part of me is still trying to make sense of whether our incompatibility was real, or whether something could have been understood differently if we’d had those conversations.
At the same time, I’m currently seeing someone who doesn’t believe in hierarchy at all.
So now I’m sitting with this uncomfortable question: am I seriously reconsidering hierarchy/structure because part of me is still trying to make sense of (or maybe emotionally “save”) what I lost in my past relationship? Or am I resisting considering it because I don’t want to threaten the connection I have now or because I’ve absorbed the idea that “good poly” means not wanting it?
Basically, I’m trying to figure out:
How do you tell whether your relationship values are genuinely yours vs shaped by attachment to specific people or by community norms/ideals?
Have you ever realized you were rethinking your relational philosophy because of one specific person?
Have your views on hierarchy/structure changed depending on who you were with?
How do you sit with this kind of uncertainty honestly, without just choosing the belief system that protects the relationship you most want to keep?
I’m not looking for “hierarchy bad/non-hierarchy good” takes. I’m genuinely trying to understand myself better and separate my own values from relationship driven adaptation and internalized ideas about what poly is “supposed” to look like.