u/Col_Flag

So yesterday I needed to bring my daughter something to her house. and then after she left for work, I stuck around and talked to her fiancé about planning her birthday coming up this month.

When I got home, my (covert narc) husband threw a big baby fit about it and was saying that he was jealous, and he didn’t understand why I would want to talk to her fiancé for that long. What could I possibly be talking about even after I told him my answer, it wasn’t good enough. Then he stomps down the hallway, goes to the bedroom slams the door and then I get the silent treatment rest of that night and the next morning.

Fast-forward to tonight, and my daughter comes to our house today because the exterminator is spraying her house and she needs to sleep before her next overnight shift in the ICU.

A couple hours later her fiancé shows up and he watches TV in the living room while I’m working from home in my office.

After I get off work, I start making dinner, my husband comes home and we all sit down and eat. Then my daughter leaves to go to work and her fiancé and I are talking about movies and we turn on the movie Dune. My husband is sitting there in the same room didn’t say a word against it. He acted perfectly fine while the kids were here, talking like everything was fine.

Then after the movie ends her fiancé leaves, then my husband starts in yelling and screaming at me and kicking things. He’s a guilt tripping me again and saying he’s jealous that I should’ve ran him off after our daughter left. That he wanted to talk to me by myself. And he’s really upset at me that I should’ve known to get rid of him that he wanted to talk to me.

I said something about that he talked and acted just fine while everybody was here. He said yeah he’s not gonna let them know how upset he was. So I said oh I guess you just save all that up for me huh and he says yeah, he’s not gonna show it to them. He’s just gonna show it to me.

I said it must make him feel better to yell at me, because I thought he was overreacting and acting like an asshole, and that it was not fair to get mad at me for not doing or saying something that he wanted me to do if he didn’t say it out loud. I’m not a mind reader.

And yet again, he is fulfilling his pattern of stirring up shit right before bed. So it’s gonna take me a while to calm my nervous system down enough so that I can sleep. Meanwhile, he’s sleeping like a baby in there.

Update: I swear he must have radar or something. I had just looked up the domestic violence hotline number and I was going to call it during my lunch break and ask for a referral for a lawyer that is experienced with domestic violence. I had my phone in my hand and suddenly he walks in the door. He was home about 3.5 hours early from work.

Thankfully, I was able to set my phone to record. I am in a one party state thankfully. He went off on me again about the last few days in the various ways that I have disappointed him by not anticipating his needs and basically being a mind reader. I let him talk and yell himself out. I stayed calm and I told him that I understand he’s dealing with various things and he has big feelings, but that it wasn’t right to take it out on me. That I didn’t do anything wrong, and it wasn’t right that he makes me his verbal punching bag. Then we went over how he’s able to stay completely normal when people are here and then suddenly flip the switch when they leave and then goes at me with both barrels. I told him that is not right. I don’t deserve that and that he couldn’t treat me that way anymore.

He got really upset and cried and said that he guessed he’s just a piece of crap person. I think he was expecting me to disagree with him, but I did not. I think he was expecting me to apologize but I did not. Finally, he stopped and went outside and slammed the door and walked down to the garden.

At some point while he was out there, he turned off his location on find my. I guess that’s his way of punishing me? I have no idea and I really don’t care other than I’d like to know when he’s coming home so I can be prepared mentally.

A few minutes later, I had to get back online because I had a meeting with my boss. She could tell something was wrong and I had planned on telling her at some point anyway because you know how vindictive these people can be and I wanted her to be prepared. So I very softly told her what was going on and that I plan to move out sometime in the next couple of weeks, but to be prepared that depending on what happens, I might have to move quickly. I was trying to be careful because I wasn’t sure where he was and I didn’t want him to overhear. At some point, he did come in the house though and I hope he didn’t overhear much if anything. I texted her to let her know that I’d heard him and he was back in the house. That way she would know not to say anything out loud.

About two hours later, I had to go in the kitchen to get a drink and he was in there and he talked to me really quietly for a bit. And seemed to be really broken down and apologized for being a bad person and then he could see why I didn’t wanna have sex with him because who wants to have sex with someone that you can’t stand to be around. I do think that that was a manipulation tactic, but I didn’t fall for it. A few minutes later, he left to go to his golf league and at some point shortly after that, he turned his location back on.

Holy hell, I can’t wait to get out.

Additional info for those that have asked for it, I am 50 and he is 51, we have been together 33 years, married for almost 31.

My covert narc husband started griping about why he doesn’t like it when people ask questions when he tells them something.

He said he’d rather just be able to speak without people asking a bunch of questions.

I told him people are doing that because they’re interested in what you’re saying and are trying to understand so they’re asking clarifying questions. That’s how communication works. A conversation is a back-and-forth. If you just wanna talk and not have anyone say anything back that’s a monologue.

He said, well, he does it for other people. They’ll tell him something and he’ll just say OK. I said well I bet a lot of people are disappointed when they talk to you because they would like more interaction than that, and they’re left feeling unheard and dissatisfied. (I know I do, but I didn’t inject me into this conversation.)

I told him if that’s what you want from your interactions when you’re making it appear as though you’re having a conversation, then you’re gonna have a lot of disappointment and potential upset. To avoid that, you should preface the start of your conversation by saying I just wanna tell you something and you just listen and not ask any questions. That gives a person a chance to opt out and not get upset or frustrated by how upset and frustrated YOU get.

This was actually a good calm conversation. If he did get upset, he didn’t really show it. Of course that doesn’t mean anything because he’s not honest about how he feels if he was upset, it would come sideways later about something entirely unrelated. Been there done that many times.

Does anyone else experience this with their narc?

My covert narcissist husband has recently been trying a new thing. He has made several comments lately in various forms that sound like he’s trying to make me jealous.

Like he’s so sexy other women would love to have him or I’m so lucky because there’s so many other women out there that would just love to receive what he’s got.

I wish I could remember the exact wording of what he said. And my response is I look at him and laugh and say if you can find a woman that wants you, she can have you.

Like be for real nobody wants that shit and if they do, they can have him with my compliments. 🤣

Just needed to rant for a minute.

He (covert narc husband) was asleep on the couch and I was reading my book. Then he wakes up and starts yelling at me because I wasn’t ready to go yet. This was news to me, I knew he mentioned going to a store today, but when he laid down to take his nap, he didn’t say a word about wanting me to be getting ready and wanting to go as soon as he woke up.

He said that it was just common sense that I should know and he shouldn’t have to tell me that his expectation was for me to be getting ready. I told him that it wasn’t fair to get mad at me for expectations and timelines that he had in his head that he didn’t express out loud. I’m not a mind reader. Then he gets mad and says, just forget it and starts stomping and slamming things around, then stomps to the door and slams it on his way outside.

This was not an emergency, he just wanted to go to the farm store to pick up a few things for gardening.

Wow. Now my body is full of anxiety and stress. What an asshole.