The trauma that you left behind..
To the old friend I once cherished,
The first time we had a conversation was also the same day that you discovered I loved to take photos. I took photos with some friends using a cellphone and also took a photo of you that day. I won't forget what you were wearing. Since then, you have loved having photo shots with me and you always said that I was your "Personal Photographer". And yeah, since then, as our friendship grew, my love for photography also became stronger. And I really prayed to have a DSLR to capture more moments of us and some things that I wanted to capture. And yes, I really thank God that He answered my prayer. My heart was always full every time you used the photos I captured as your profile picture on all of your social media accounts. You, our friends, and family really supported me in photography, and that gave me the courage and confidence to try covering some events to enhance my experience and earn extra income.
Then one day you met someone who also loved photography. I also admired that person's photography skills. You two became friends and had many photography sessions whenever you two went out-of-town and gala events. You also used yung mga shots niya as your profile picture. Wala lang naman yun sa akin because I knew you as an appreciative person. And I admired you for that.
But later on, as we had our kwentuhan, some words and statements uttered from your mouth that broke not just my confidence but also my heart. You said, “Mas gusto ko yung paghawak niya ng camera” + “emphasizing and illustrating how”.
That very moment, pakiramdam ko para akong sinaksak, like those very words came from the person who always told me na ako yung personal photographer niya.
Tinanong kita that moment, kung paano mo pa nasasabing ako yung personal photographer mo gayong may bago nang kumukuha sayo at naikumpara mo pa yung paghawak namin ng camera. Hindi mo na ko masagot ng maayos that time, you just have your alibis and justifications kasi alam mong nasaktan mo ko from your words and opinion that came from your mouth.
After that moment, nanahimik ako kasi I was feeling down. I questioned and doubted myself. I don’t have the character to compete and prove to other people kung ano ang kaya kong gawin at saan ako magaling. My passion hasn’t lost that moment because I still used to capture and shoot, but every time na hawak at gamit ko na yung camera, I always heard your voice saying “Mas gusto ko yung paghawak niya ng camera.” at bigla na lang ako mawawalan ng gana mag-shot kahit nasa middle ako ng event. Comparison strikes me so hard na hindi ko napansin unti unti na pala nawala at namatay yung spark and excitement ko sa photography, and I didn’t wonder why. Wala din nakakaalam nito sa family and closest friends ko, at kahit sila nagtataka din pero hindi ko masabi sa kanila.
That happened about five years ago, and when you left at the end of 2023, you also left this trauma behind.
Now, in 2026, I feel I’ve truly lost the passion. I’ve reached the point where I’ve turned down family and friends who asked me to cover their special events. It’s as if I’ve developed an allergy to holding a camera.
Sana mahanap ko ulit yung spark at bumalik yung passion sa puso ko. And may God help me overcome this trauma and restore the spark and passion within me.