hey guys im currently a senior,
throughout all 4 years of hs and especially this year, i heavily tied myself to my academics or college results as a measure of intelligence, success, and competency. eventually when decisions rolled around, i got denied at all 4/5 t20s i applied to and waitlisted at one, which is understandable. but, i was straight up rejected by my state flagship and that really hurt lol. now im going to a university that i'm not the most excited about.
i know im gonna come across as sounding privileged/immature, because my biggest issue right now is being distressed over admission results. but i just don't know what to do.
ive worked hard (like any student on this sub) and got rejected (of course because admissions isnt guaranteed and im not entitled/more deserving). but again i just feel so lost and depressed. i haven't been enjoying my classes, i dread graduation and award ceremonies and any senior-related activities. i hate telling people im committed to said college. i just hate how this has consumed me so much. i also just feel like, my whole life i've worked hard so that i can prove that im competent/intelligent enough to do something. and ive wasted so much time doing things that i think will make me feel less inferior to others.
i've tried everything (?) to reframe this mentality-i signed up for fun programs over the summer. i tried to remind myself that "college is what you make of it" or "college decisions/grades doesn't define intelligence". but none of it worked. when i truly sit down with myself, i know whatever im feeling just contradicts with everything i tell myself. and im just scared because im usually not like this. i also just hate myself because i know, deep down, i look down on my prospective uni which is just such a bad mentality to have.
anyways sorry for this post and sorry if i dont make sense. im kind of stream-of-conscious (-ing) this.
any advice on how to overcome this would be nice or maybe shared experiences. i really just want to enjoy the rest of my year/focus on things that matter to me. i just don't want to spiral into this mentality further. also just wanted to say ty for reading since i feel like this is kind of redundant