I might be permanently locked out of Islam and I don’t know what to do
I’m posting this on a different account because I don’t want anyone to know I’ve made this mistake, I don’t even know where to start, im 16 and I’m going into 11th grade, I grew up in a Muslim family but was never very religious until halfway through 9th grade and I’ve constantly questioned if other religions were right and if I was wrong about Islam but I never stopped believing in it, I always tried to push those thoughts away but those voices telling me that I was wrong would take over my whole entire head, I might have committed shirk, I don’t know if it counts as shirk, but when I tried to pray, my thoughts were still crowded. I never worshiped another god. I never believed another god was up there but sometimes when I bowed down in prayer I accidentally had the image of another god or one of another person in my head, I didn’t want to, I didn’t mean to think those thoughts, I wasn’t praying to them, I was just thinking about them before I started praying and I didn’t know how to get those things out of my head, last year it got so bad I just stopped praying, I havent prayed since ramadan, I didn’t want to risk accidentally committing shirk again. I was starting to feel like a hypocrite, but I still felt Allah I could Still look to the sky and feel that he was up there, I still felt Islam in my heart, but as of recently i started doubting again, I already felt so far from Allah, i got to close to another religion, I was thinking about it too much, it was crowding my head way too much I started doubting Islam and thinking maybe that religion was right, i told myself “no, I know Islam is true“ but I stopped feeling it in my heart, I couldn’t feel Allah at all anymore, it felt like I left Islam completely, but i knew objectively for a fact that Allah was there, I just didn’t feel it. I don’t feel anything anymore, I feel so godless. I tried to make dua‘a last but I was too weak. I wanted to ask him for a sign that he still loved me, that I wasn’t locked out. But I’m scared, I’m terrified. What if he gives me a sign but I mess it up again, and what if he doesn’t? i don’t feel anything right now, I don’t feel anything pulling me back. I feel like my soul has been taken away. I’m just completely emotionless.
4:137 in the Quran says: Indeed, those who believed then disbelieved, then believed and again disbelieved—˹only˺ increasing in disbelief—Allah will neither forgive them nor guide them to the ˹Right˺ Way.
this is why I think god doesn’t want me anymore, i cant make sense of my emotions right now, i want to want to worship god, I want to want to love him, that’s what i felt before, but now it feels like all i want is the feeling back, the feeling islam gave me, and that pains me to think about. I don’t even know if I can call myself Muslim anymore. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, i feel like a hypocrite for even saying bismillah, i don’t know what to do with myself. i Didn’t even ask for forgiveness all those times I accidentally committed shirk, I told myself I would just do it when my thoughts were in order so I didn’t accidentally do it again when asking for forgiveness, it may be too many times to remember and I know you unrepented shirk never gets forgiven. I don’t know what to do with myself.
Please be kind in the comments