u/Comfortable-Wonder62

Just now I was shopping online for some premium quality Pu'erh tea, then realized it was over CAD$500 per cake, and there were even more expensive ones that were over CAD$400,000 per cake (auction price).

So I was like 🫪😱🫣. Maybe I should just go back to my CAD$15 per cake tea. 🤪😛😂

I mean, I now see it in my late father's interactions with me. He was an extreme person, so if he disagreed with something or someone, nobody could talk sense into him because he blocked out any information that might remotely violate his psychological need for absolute certainty about his opinions and feelings.

When I was younger, I didn't know that his rigidity would blind him to nuances of situations and this fanatical tendency forced him to violently reject any reality that did not exactly match his. So I ended up always being condemned for saying or not saying something, to the point that I learned to not have an opinion, not to assert my views or feelings or needs, but even that would still upset him. Basically I couldn't exist, because no matter how I tried to adjust to him, I would still be wrong, and I tried to read his mind but failed because he was so erratic it's like trying to grasp wind. When I tried to ask him for his rationale, to understand him, I would be baffled by his contradictory explanation and double standard, but then I couldn't call him out, so I ended up being so confused and helplessly stuck in the relationship.

One of the things I try to heal nowadays is my rumination. I would churn a conversation over and over in my head, trying to assert my side of the story with a fanatic who uses all his might to oppress me in order to gain a false sense of security, and I keep hesitating about how to explain myself (and usually end up being meek and accommodating) because I have honestly no idea how to talk sense to someone who doesn't have any, and yet I am not happy in being condemned and oppressed, so I keep ruminating in my head trying to figure out how to claim my fairness.

But the thing is I keep attracting these kinds of people who keep misunderstanding and oppressing me, who immediately feel threatened and lash out defensively while I try to drill sense into them. They are not satisfied with a middle ground. They have no tolerance for nuances and grey zones. They only see the situation as black and white. They don't want to tolerate others' situations and needs, but they want others to tolerate theirs, in fact, to hold theirs as the absolute truth or else they would violently condemn others.

Only now do I really see that there is no room for me in that kind of relationship. In the past, I was too used to accommodating and surrendering my needs, relegating myself to being lesser, all in the hope of keeping the peace in the relationship. Now I see that not only do I not need to bother, but actually don't need to ruminate to try to reclaim fairness, because what's the value of trying to gain understanding from someone you don't want to bother with?

I made a little discovery about being present recently.

I was healing my emotional wounds and noticed that I'm usually not present when I talk to my guinea pig, and I would habitually pout and whine to him "You're not listening! 😡" And 100% of the time he would react with zero reaction, as if he didn't hear me, and I would just have to let him be.

Then in my rare moment of being present, I noticed this was a pattern between me and my late father, and so I tried to clear some of it, then I was able to be a little bit more present to Phil Phil, my guinea pig.

Surprisingly, he actually turned towards me, facing me, showing interest and curiosity in me (previously, he would only try to get my attention when he needed something from me, and there was zero emotional connection in the process, just mechanical exchange in a business-like manner which was also a resemblance of how I interacted with my father, and I just unconsciously got used to the same pattern with Phil Phil since I was too absent and unconscious to wield any genuine interest from him), his gaze lighting up in my presence as if he suddenly came alive because of my presence, etc.

Then I realized, "Oh ... This is what he's reflecting back to me: If I'm present when I talk to him, he will be present in listening or looking at me. Vice versa, he will be as equally absent as me, like two zombies." 😂

I've been healing repressed emotions lately. There was a lot of unacknowledged grief that was locked deep inside.

Then after many days of releasing grief, there's repressed anger, like I didn't dare to express my anger, or else I would be threatened or shamed.

Then today, I accidentally uncovered guilt, and it surprised me. Because in my years of healing, I have always told myself not to feel guilty for not condoning my parents and relatives' treatment of me, but I didn't realize by doing so I ended up repressing those guilt.

So when I released the guilt, I realized it was intertwined with invalidation--I need to be so and so in order to be accepted, or else I will be invalidated or guilted into compliance. So I chose to surrender to my family to survive, to not feel guilty, to avoid fear of punishment or Invalidation or threat.

Today is the second death anniversary of my father. It is a significant day for me not because I want to remember him, but because I use this date as a day to check up on myself and see how much I have improved since his passing, and to celebrate my healing, liberation, and personal growth without him.

So this year it has been quite different from last year in the sense that in the first year my improvement was mostly in reducing the emotional suffering or wound, and since then my progress has moved in a surprising direction of uncovering a lot of unconscious but deep-seated generational patterns inherited not just from him but from the bigger family constellation which includes the extended family (relatives).

But the conscious discovery itself is not sufficient to complete the healing because the patterns, attitudes, beliefs, feelings are so thick and pervasive that they are actually enveloping my life. It's like living in a cocoon and seeing nothing but the cocoon everywhere I turn and thinking that that's how life is, without ever realizing that I am encapsulated in this interlocking web of silk, and then even when I am consciously aware, I don't have the strength to break out of it, and then I spend all my time ruminating and wondering how to get out, and constantly fail because all I ever do is to bang my head against it.

So there's basic liberation on a superficial level, but I now come upon challenges that are deeper and heavier. But I am positive about these challenges because on the other side of them is greater growth, liberation, joy, and wisdom waiting for me.

Today is the second death anniversary of my father. It is a significant day for me not because I want to remember him, but because I use this date as a day to check up on myself and see how much I have improved since his passing, and to celebrate my healing, liberation, and personal growth without him.

So this year it has been quite different from last year in the sense that in the first year my improvement was mostly in reducing the emotional suffering or wound, and since then my progress has moved in a surprising direction of uncovering a lot of unconscious but deep-seated generational patterns inherited not just from him but from the bigger family constellation which includes the extended family (relatives).

But the conscious discovery itself is not sufficient to complete the healing because the patterns, attitudes, beliefs, feelings are so thick and pervasive that they are actually enveloping my life. It's like living in a cocoon and seeing nothing but the cocoon everywhere I turn and thinking that that's how life is, without ever realizing that I am encapsulated in this interlocking web of silk, and then even when I am consciously aware, I don't have the strength to break out of it, and then I spend all my time ruminating and wondering how to get out, and constantly fail because all I ever do is to bang my head against it.

So there's basic liberation on a superficial level, but I now come upon challenges that are deeper and heavier. But I am positive about these challenges because on the other side of them is greater growth, liberation, joy, and wisdom waiting for me.

My summer this year has been slightly cooler because of more rain and cooler weather. So in terms of 三伏天 being the hottest time of the year, this peak yang energy seems to be reduced by water. How does this affect 三伏灸？

I have blood and yin deficiency, and blood stasis, so I use very little moxa (1 or 1.5 cm) for my moxibustion, and only on the toes, to release cold and maybe dampness.

I'm also taking Baishao Gancao soup (using 炒白芍） to loosen my muscles.

My body is feeling the warmth from the moxibustion, but I feel that the heat isn't embracing the yin too well, and I am borderline between sweating and not sweating. 🤔 So if I continue the moxibustion tomorrow, it might have a drying or frying effect.

Since May of this year, I have been tapping into my dreams almost everyday just to see what's there to heal and release.

On some days I don't remember any dreams. Some days I know I have dreamed, but as I try to go in to capture them, they seem to dissipate into thin air. I have tried voice recording them in the middle of the night, but even then it's still not very practical, because I am so groggy in between dreams that I cannot speak properly, so when I wake up to read what's being recorded, I see a bunch of gibberish on my phone. 😭

Anyway, so last couple days I got lazier and only tried to capture the more noticeable energies that are left lingering in the air, like the haze of a forest fire. No details on the content of my dreams.

Interestingly, this natural filtration gives me the essence of what I need to heal and release. Then I take advantage of the extra time I have (previously I spent a lot of time trying to write out the energies of the dreams, now I get straight to the key points) to read up on the atmospheric energy hovering above my dreams in Seth Material. It says exactly what I'm doing: the feeling tone is what makes our physical reality, not the details of the dream. So by not recalling the details, not only am I not missing anything, I am actually benefiting from saving time. 😂

There's no hot water yesterday. So I didn't shower. The tech was fixing it but there's no ETA.

Someone in our condo said the hot water came back early in the morning, before 6am.

Then this afternoon there's no hot water again! I was about to yell at someone: "Which idiot turn off the hot water again? Why don't they turn it off at midnight when nobody needs it?!" 😡

There's no hot water yesterday. So I didn't shower. The tech was fixing it but there's no ETA.

Someone in our condo said the hot water came back early in the morning, before 6am.

Then this afternoon there's no hot water again! I was about to yell at someone: "Which idiot turn off the hot water again? Why don't they turn it off at midnight when nobody needs it?!" 😡

How do you define support? What kind of support do you need?

I have always felt that support means different things to different people. Sometimes people think that they have supported me, but I don't feel or see it.

For me, support is when someone gives me strength, courage, assurance, confidence, validation, etc., to do what I want to do. Sometimes it's to have someone on my side, by my side, to help me achieve a goal, or to protect me from harm or disadvantage.

But the kind of support I get (from my healing course) is that we are all going through the same challenge, even though we each do it alone, our presence and participation in the same challenge is a kind of mental support. Like I know that I'm not entirely alone, even when I don't share my struggles and pain with my classmates.

Then there's another kind of "support," like someone telling you to go ahead and do what you want (which sounds more like approval than support), saying that you've done a good job, telling you to keep going when you're frustrated and deflated, etc.

I realize I don't have a clear understanding and feeling of the kind of support I want. And I'm too used to not having support, and kind of resigned myself to not have it.

It's quite a disaster today. Same as yesterday. Didn't expect so much stress on a weekend. Actually, there were quite a few unexpected events all coming together at the same time.

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I still have to absorb the upcoming risks with CRA. Even after combing through the administrative chaos, the core issue still remains unaddressed: I have no way of checking my blindspot, and am still completely reliant on the issuer or the brokerage's reporting, and they don't report all or on time. I have mentioned this to my brokerage but still, no improvement. 🤷

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I am still in a dilemma as to what to do with my car and car battery, because the battery drains power as I don't use my car much, and I already have a maintainer but I don't park next to an electrical outlet, and I don't think I would my lifestyle just to keep the battery full. My car has become a liability more than an asset. But now I need to deal with it because the condo board wants me to move my car so that they can clean the underground parkade. 😒

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There are other problems that are less urgent, which I am chipping away a little bit at a time.

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Then there's this surprise email from someone I have stopped communicating with. This is the third email from him. The first two were apology emails. I am surprised because he seems to not be able to accept "no". When he didn't want to read my messages, when we still used to chat, and called me difficult, that was already his choice to throw away my friend. You can't just ignore someone when you please, and then claim them back into your life when you please, without realizing that the other person also has a choice, and her choice is no longer want you. I don't need this friendship. I never benefited from it. I was mainly the listener as he was always coming to me for his problems as he had no one else to talk to. But he only wanted a one-sided friendship where I had to listen but not listened to.

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For the last couple months I have been taking an herb to loosen up my stiff muscles and connective tissues. The loosening is rather unpleasant.

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When the loosening is in the pelvic region, it's difficult to even sit, because the muscles connecting to my sacrum are releasing the tightness, so it is very sore. That means, I can't work!

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Last few days I couldn't manage to sit long enough to focus on work, so today I tried to catch up. But then I had brain fog, although it's lighter than before but still reduces my productivity. 😒

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I have stopped taking the herb for about a week now, but I feel that the loosening effect is still in my body, and it's opening up my lower back, hips, and thighs, and so I have been laying on the couch for quite a bit. I feel like a handicap.

Yesterday I was watching a TV show about someone died and her family covered up her cause of death and told everyone that she died of illness. Then when friends and acquaintances came to ask how she died, the family also refused to tell them that she committed suicide.

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This story triggered my memory of my cousin's death. I never understood why she died, and I heard different reasons from different relatives which made me even more confused and frustrated. I didn't know that you can be wounded with grief like that.

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Even though many years had passed since my cousin's death, and I never got any clarification or explanation on it, because everyone I asked refused to tell me the truth. At best, they just say something very superficial to brush me off. Honestly, I was very angry, yet I couldn't do anything about it.

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So I did the grieving on my own, which included not just the loss of my cousin but also because I was treated like an outsider both with the cause of death and with the mourning process. None of my relatives included me in their mourning. I tried to connect to them, but they were too much lost in their own grief to connect to me. It's a very foreign feeling for me--being treated as family when they wanted to and being treated as outsider also when they wanted to.

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I have always felt like a soccer ball being kicked around by my relatives. When they were in the mood or have time, they embraced me, but when they were not in the mood, they pushed me away like I was a nuisance. It's emotionally confusing. I don't know how to deal with hot and cold relationships where the other side seems to be the one setting temperature and I can only adjust accordingly.

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The TV show I watched yesterday gave me a glimpse of why they would hide the fact from me, although that's not enough to help me process the overarching confusion of my place in the family.

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I mean someone who really sees you, listens to you, understands you, cares about you, supports you, respects you, cherishes you, appreciates you, or even silently be there with you and for you? Someone who lets you be who you are, accepts your idiosyncrasies even though they may not agree with them, and you're comfortable to say or do what you want in their presence.

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Someone who takes an interest in your passion, notices when your struggles, picks you up when you fall, rejoices in your success, encourages you to be your best.

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When I think of this, I feel blank, like it won't happen to me, because I don't deserve this, I'm not good enough to deserve this, or I should be so and so before I can be seen, etc. But no matter what I do, I still don't deserve this, because people will try hard to find faults in me, even when they can't see any faults as excuses for thinking that I'm not good enough, they will still manage to invent faults in me.

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I'm so afraid of external Invalidation and shaming that I keep a safe distance from people. In my hardest times, I am alone. There's no one for me to depend on, but at the same time, I'm afraid of being a bother to people, because I'm very sensitive to being seen as a baggage, which was how my mom saw me.

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When I was a kid, I watched other kids being loved by their parents, and thought, "Others can have unconditional love but not me."

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I couldn't work today, even though I wanted to continue with the new project I started yesterday, because my back was so sore and I just had to lay down.

But I didn't actually spend most of the day laying down. There were a few things I had to do, and I managed to finish them except one: unscrew the U shaped pipe under my bathroom sink.

Yesterday I bathed my guinea pig in the sink and he pooped a lot while in the water. So I flushed a lot of poop down the sink and the drainage was half-clogged.

I had moved all my contents out from under the sink, but I couldn't unscrew the nut to the pipe. It was practically glued, like the rubber washer inside had dried out and fused to the plastic threads. AI suggested a few methods, and I tried a couple but didn't work.

I guess I will leave it as is over night and try again tomorrow. I just don't believe the nut to be permanently stuck to the threads even though I have tried to uncrew it multiple times already without success.

Over time as I dive into my emotional neglect more, I discovered that my parents' neglect is actually their silent invalidation of me, then I discovered that I invalidate their invalidation of me, then I discovered that my invalidation was oppressed so I felt blank not because I had no feelings but my feelings were not allowed.

Then as I tried to release the oppression, I find that most of the time it's so highly compressed in my unconscious that even though I use my conscious effort to express those pent up emotions, they simply won't flow, but I know they're there and they're quite heavy.

Then I tried to force them to release, then I realized forcing healing is counterproductive. 😭

Then I got mad at myself for being destructive in my healing, like a second layer of invalidation on top of the oppression that I am invalidating by pushing against it.

Very quickly, going at this rate, my healing becomes a matryoshka doll, trapping myself with invalidation at each layer then locking myself in the neglect that I am trying to get out of.

So I look at myself, my layers of compression and invalidation, and see how I am keeping myself stuck in blankness, in neglect, in helplessness.

I notice I keep berating myself for not keeping the house clean. This thought started coming on after my boss came to drop off the work laptop for me last Friday. She didn't say anything about my home, but still I felt like I was being despised, condemned, ridiculed, etc., not by her, but by those before her.

The last time a coworker came to my house was probably 15 years ago. I had a couple of coworkers who came, separately, and they both had very strong opinion about my choice of furniture, my style of home decor, my way of life, everything about my private space was made into a joke, a mockery, a criticism that they couldn't stop voicing, as if they couldn't be satisfied with their attack unless I buckled over, but I didn't, because I was speechless and didn't know what nice thing to say back to them so to maintain that now seemingly pointless courtesy.

It wasn't my first time opening up myself to someone, only to be attacked, but each time I shut down more and more of myself until I no longer have friends who visit me.

So people invalidate everything about me, my life, my personal choices, my personal space, my feelings and thoughts and aspirations, etc.

When my boss said she would come over to give me the laptop, I was generally okay with it, after so many years of healing, but I noticed deep down, the wound from my past is still bothering me, thoughts of condemnation still swirling around my head unyieldingly, and I keep pushing them away, but I guess I should just open the wound up and do more healing.