My story of being married to a very confused bisexual man for a decade. Seeking advice.
I’m not even sure what I’m looking for here. Proof that my husband‘s actually gay and he’s been hiding it from me for a decade? Perhaps if I knew he was gay it would make the pain a lot less than I feel now?? Maybe I just need to know if anyone else has lived through something similar because I’m so confused! / heartbroken / lost, and hurt.
It’s suuuuper long, but here’s my story. Please be kind Internet friends - as I am feeling very vulnerable right now. Thank you for reading:
Before me (f45,) and my husband (m40,) got engaged, he told me a story that never completely left my mind. He said one of his male roommates had fallen in love with him, that they ended up making out in a hot tub, and afterward the friendship completely fell apart. I remember asking him directly, “Are you gay?” He said no, and I believed him. We got married and built a life together for the past 10 years. He has always suffered from depression and seemed to be brooding a lot of the time, but I just shrugged it off as being a grumpy man some of the time.
Looking back, there were little things that always made me wonder. He had several female friends who genuinely seemed to be just friends. I’ve honestly never known many straight men who could have attractive female friends without some sort of romantic or sexual tension, but with him there never seemed to be any. It wasn’t just one friendship—it seemed to be a pattern.
At the time he was actually less traditionally masculine than he is now. Over the years he got heavily into lifting, grew a beard, participated in strongman competitions, hunting, firearms, mountain hiking - interests that made him seem more conventionally masculine. But even then, there was always a small part of me that wondered if something was missing.
Our sex life was difficult from the beginning. There were good moments, but intimacy often felt awkward in a way I had never experienced before. More than anything, I was rejected. He turned me down for sex more times than anyone I had ever been with, and over time I internalized that rejection. He constantly gaslit me as to why he wouldn’t have sex with me. I swear it made me feel crazy for so long.
After having our two children I gained quite a bit of weight. I was embarrassed by it and honestly still struggle to look at pictures from that time. Eventually I lost all of it. Today I’m in the best shape of my adult life. Yet during one of our final conversations about why he wanted a divorce, he told me he wasn’t sexually attracted to my body.
That wasn’t the first painful thing.
In 2023 he came out to me as bisexual. Looking back, that’s also when our marriage really began falling apart. He claimed he had never been with a man before - but oddly admitted to giving himself an enema with a water bottle in a hotel room before. (I know, so random??!!- but is this a thing???) Around that same time he began hinting that he didn’t want to be married anymore. I spent the next couple of years desperately trying to save the marriage while feeling like I was constantly failing.
During our attempted reconciliation, he admitted to multiple affairs with women over the course of our marriage. I also found proof of notes and videos with women and only women. The relationships he described sounded incredibly intense, emotionally and sexually. Meanwhile, I felt like I was fighting just to be wanted by my own husband!!! I promise, I take good care of myself and I’m not unattractive. I’m actually a really kind/fun person too!!
A few months ago he filed for divorce. I was completely blindsided. He hadn’t sat me down and clearly said he wanted a divorce; instead there had just been years of hints, distance, and mixed messages. Now we’re divorcing, sharing custody of our two young children, and I’m trying to process the fact that I’ll miss half of their childhood. This past Fourth of July weekend they were gone for three days with him, and it hit me harder than I ever imagined.
The hardest thing he has ever said to me came recently. He told me he had been PRETENDING FOR 10 YEARS to be romantically attracted to me. and he married me for all of the other reasons other than sexual attraction.
I don’t know what to do with that.
Reading this back to myself, I feel like such an idiot. I can’t believe this has been my life for the past decade and I put up with it. I’m just so heartbroken to not be with my children full time and feel abandoned by what felt like my best friend. He’s walking around super happy now it’s almost like there’s a skip to his step. He’s in therapy, going out all the time - making new friends and I feel like my life has fallen apart. We still live together and it feels like torture.
If you made it this far, thank you. I’m not here to debate anyone’s sexuality or to criticize bisexual people. I know bisexual people can have healthy, faithful marriages. I’m trying to understand my own experience. Has anyone else been married to someone who later disclosed being bisexual or gay and said they had essentially been pretending? Did your intimacy feel different from the beginning? Did you spend years believing there was something wrong with you, only to later wonder if it was never really about you at all?
Right now I feel like I’m grieving not only the end of my marriage but also questioning whether the relationship I thought I had ever really existed.