Not sure where to go
Medical side of things:
Diagnosed as a child with ADHD but "I didn't like the meds" so untreated - Addressed again in 2013-2015 somewhere in there diagnosed and med'ed until I couldn't afford to go to the doctor for family reasons. Also the meds were more than my car and insurance payment together.
Supposedly diagnosed but untreated for depression as a teen. Came back up when I returned to the doctor in 2017 for ADHD and they "Wanted to get the depression treated before ADHD" put me through 5 anti-depressants that didn't help the depression but added the joy of being unable to self regulate my emotions. Stopped seeing doctor half due to finance half due to, like it was really bad and lead directly to the my relationship ending in 2019.
2021 - Returned to Doctor this time for panic attacks, Diagnosed with MDD based on intake survey only on first visit. Prescribed "Edit: Wide spread antidepressant used for lots of things" and "Edit:Non-benzo non-rescue anti anxiety". Neither worked doctor wrote me a stronger prescription. He was an insurance doctor and I was on both those until I lost my job.
Anyway so lost my job things spiraled very very quickly so I am now a shut-in I literally cannot leave my house. It started small I couldn't go to the post office because I ended up randomly having a panic attack there and not too long after I would have a panic attack at the idea of having a panic attack in the post office.
I am to the point where money has run out and I am realizing there is an issue there that I won't "bounce back" from. There were multiple iterations of a plan to get me treated and back to normal or as close to normal as I ever was. Currently could be homeless any week due to taxes, I have no utilities, I am away from any support I had no friends or ex-coworkers around here, My car got repoed because I am not bad with money but I am not no-income for 2 years good with money. So anyway SSI seemed like a plan, case manager could have been a plan sorta things, like I admit apparently I don't got this and I need help finally. Called local resources, called 211, called 988. All roads lead to either A. A place I am not eligible for because I do not drink or do drugs. or B. The same place that is 20 miles away from me that also hosts the MCOT that I kid you not after I told the person on the phone the problem she responded with "Great so just come on up to our office any tuesday and we can get you enrolled" so "I am a depressed panic attack having shut-in who could end up being homeless at any time" is being met with "Great so drive on up 20 miles to our group intake" and even every resource in this area leads back to them. If I lived just a couple miles over this would have been a straight forward process, if I had a drinking or drug problem this would have been straight forward. But because I live where I do the only way for an assist is to do exactly the only thing I can't do for many reasons. Like i've lost nearly 40lbs over the last 2 months... We are going into the heat and I have no AC because I have no power, I only have water and battery banks for my phone most days thanks to the kindness of a neighbor who was a stranger to me before a couple years ago. Its been 2 months since I started really calling around, As fast as I can I am only good for 1-2 calls per day max in my current state. 5 months without any utilities.. 6 months since I admitted yeah there's more than I got going on. And everything keeps leading back to the exact same place... The, so I did go to therapy, the panic attacks were under controlish with grounding/breathing. I'd still have them but could mask well enough I was okay with it. But in the last two years even if I can keep it together mentally its gotten way worse like I starting pouring sweat, turn beet red and am shaking.. I also started having tears running even though I am not like emotionally crying tears are still there and the latest is my sinuses swell up when it happens like I have been crying and that messes with my breathing and causes legit mental panic/losing it... Afterwards I kind of just shut down until tomorrow.