Hey, I'm considering getting therapy since over time I realized a lot of issues have been plaguing my life and I don't think myself alone could handle these issues since they are clearly affecting me in my everyday life. I just wanna know if there's anything I need to know before I get a therapist / look for one.
Our relationship was complicated and neither of us were really in the right. In the end, I ended up as the one taking on all the weight of what happened since he gaslit me and lied to people about what really happened. I saw he was being all flirty like he used to be with me to someone else like 2-3 weeks after our breakup but there were even signs a bit earlier than that which made me incredibly upset. He denied it whenever I confronted him about it. He said I was being selfish and I was ruining his happiness. The worst part is he conditioned me into being obsessed over him since he wanted me to - he kept telling me how badly he needed to be obsessed over. At the time of dating him, my heart was still fragile and I told him that but I did it for him to make him happy. After I was given a reality check from a friend and lost all my friends, I took the time to try and improve. I journaled, did shadow-work, and spent so much time thinking about the situation non-stop to the point where I hated myself. I didn't want to ever forget my wrongs. I felt I deserved where I ended up. As more time passed and I vented to a friend, I realized things weren't as black and white as they were. We were both in the wrong. But he ended up posting an expose document on me despite the promise of the situation being kept private. It does bring up a few points where I am wrong but a lot of it is cherry-picked on purpose to make me look bad and is even using harmful buzzwords as a "gotcha" when they aren't true. I have been stuck for days with my overbearing anxiety. I have been struggling to even eat over this. I even keep doubting myself whether or not I should even defend myself. I have the evidence to back myself up but my mind is at a war with itself. I'm so horrified of conflict. I'm scared that people will just ignore me and treat me like a joke. I'm so stressed but so scared. I'm tired of feeling this anxiety. I'm tired of not being my normal self. I have lived with so much emotional pain for 5 months and I don't know what to do. I'm living in hell. I have been trying so damn hard just for things to end up this way still. I hate how there's even multiple moments where I even doubt myself multiple times but I look back at conversations and realize "no you aren't crazy it really was like this." I hate this. I hate this so damn much. I've lost everyone. I only have one friend and I am really grateful they stuck around and are helping me but I still have so many doubts on myself.
I don't know what to do - I'm struggling so hard to deal with this.