TL;DR: I have an avoidant attachment pattern and in the past I left relationships without remorse, but now I'm in a good relationship with someone I truly love, and I feel myself shutting down again. I don't want to run this time. Just looking to hear from others who've been through something similar.
I (21F) have struggled with an avoidant attachment style for a long time. In the past, whenever things got too close or too heavy, I would just leave, without guilt and without looking back. I didn't even feel bad about ending the relationship it at the time, I only felt sad for the other person... but me, I was okay with leaving.
Now I'm in a relationship with someone (27M) who is genuinely good. Not just to me – to everyone, and he loves me in a way I never experienced before. And I love him. I really do.
The problem is: I feel myself repeating the old pattern. I'm shutting down emotionally. I don't feel much desire to be affectionate. I'm distant, tired, and confused, and I know he feels it. He's anxious, he asks for reassurance, and I try to give it – but it comes out flat, because I'm not fully there.
I've been doing a lot of self-reflection, and I realized I don't want to run away and I don't want to hurt or lose him. But I also don't know how to stop the shutting down. I don't know how to stay present when my body is wanting to disappear.
I'm going to start therapy sometime soon, when I have the money, but right now, I feel stuck between the fear of repeating the cycle and the fear of forcing myself to feel things I don't feel just to keep him from leaving.
Has anyone else with an avoidant pattern managed to stay in a loving relationship? How did you stop yourself from shutting down? I'm just wondering if anyone has been through something similar and how it turned out for you.