I am literally at the end of my rope. It’s 3:30am, my alarm will go off in an hour. Been awake since 1 with a baby that won’t settle for the 3rd night in a row.
Already been diagnosed with PPD. Medicated, counselling, the lot. I don’t have the option for support. Cannot afford overnight help. My partner drives for a living so his sleep gets prioritised. 50/50 split and shifts don’t work because our son only wakes at this time and I have to be the one who gets up.
I am so done with parenthood. I daydream about sleeping in, about not having to constantly think, plan, organise logistics. My job is heavily centred on those things too so I never get an opportunity to just turn my brain off. It’s been 2 weeks since I went back and I am so exhausted, I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.
I can’t just quit and I don’t want to give up my career. I prefer being at work than being at home. I dread picking my son up. I dread weekends filled with screaming and rocking and bottles and a little person constantly demanding something.
I don’t know how I’m meant to balance both without growing to hate my child. How do people do this without completely breaking?