u/Comfortable_Eye_7775

((Also a rant/vent near the end))

A lot of the people here are paranoid of death. But is there anyone who understands the fear of living in an experiment that only works against you?

I sometimes try to connect with other schizophrenic people, but it always ends up that they have completely different ideology from me. When I say I don’t feel safe eating, taking meds, shots, I’m not afraid it’s poisoned, I’m afraid they put something in it to make me feel “normal”, like everything’s okay.

I feel that acknowledging that everything is NOT okay and that everything IS probably an illusion, helps me to fight back in a way. I hate being a guinea pig, ESPECIALLY when I’m only getting the bad in return.

Whenever I talk about this with anyone at all, they always brush it off like they’re trying to make me think that it’s nothing serious and act as if they didn’t hear everything I just said. But I know it is serious, I know they don’t really feel emotions, I know they don’t think for themselves. EVERYONE is the same. Talking over me, disregarding EVERYTHING I say and **only** speaking about themselves to get my mind off of the reality I know is fake. AND when I just talk about normal things (Which I do 99.9% of the time).

I just don’t understand why everyone acts so robotic and generic. Like they don’t understand the clear words I say. Like they only have a set of a few phrases. If they know their system is flawed, why don’t they fix it.

I started having sudden and intense social withdrawal at around 11. I hated everything about myself and my environment. I lost all my friends, and my family stopped *really* caring about me, I was on my own. But, my mom stayed by my side, she hated to see me this way, so she started me on anti depressants. My only way to combat this sudden change was to maladaptive daydream, to put myself in someone else. When I was around early 12 or 13, I started having small delusions. Like thinking that someone is watching me, or my brain telling me the floor is warped or bloody, so I shouldn’t step on it. But I passed that stuff off as just being overwhelmed. I thought I just needed some sort of social life that I didn’t have, and it would make me feel better and all go away. At this point I’ve already tried tons of different antidepressants, but it started to dull my brain. I started to become more aware of things, and I couldn’t run and hide in my thoughts anymore, I couldn’t put myself in someone else, I couldn’t imagine I’m a pop star or a cool skater with tons of friends, I was just myself. And I hated myself.

At the start of the last year of middle school, I occasionally stopped going to school because I was so afraid that something bad would happen, it was a constant fear all throughout middle school. It even bled into my own home. Thinking someone would break in, hurt me or someone I love.

When I turned 14, I had completely stopped going to school, only doing my work online. I started begging my mom not to go certain places. I was 100% sure that if she went, she wouldn’t come back. I didn’t want her to leave, she was the only one I had, I was so scared of the outside world. I opened up to lots of people about my paranoia of dying, or losing someone at the hands of someone else. But by that point I was too deep in the paranoia to really want change or anything to make me “normal”. I started getting scared that my own family and doctors were making me feel this way, Or making me numb by putting *something* in the meds. So stopped all medications.

By the time I turned 15, The delusions started getting stronger and more “realistic”, like I had something to back it up now, I have reasons as to why I felt this way. My home life was horrible, almost suddenly, my mom didn’t act like herself anymore. She ignored me every chance she got, she was glued to her phone. She didn’t care about my opinion anymore, and she would completely blow over anything I had to say, especially if it was a theory, or deep thought I had. Like she didn’t want me to think that. I felt like I was getting closer to the *truth*. I was in my head so much, that I started to forget myself when I’m alone, when no one is around. I imagined I was a famous editor and graphic designer, I had fans, a community. I looked how I wanted, I spoke how I wanted. But, I knew I *wasn’t* who I was in my head, it was just a nice break from reality.

Around the midway of 15, I started slowly facing my fears and going to school in person. I joined a group, my grades went up, and I started to like myself. I reached out to some old friends, and started to socialize more. But that’s when I realized, everyone was so nice. Too nice. All the teachers spoke like they knew everything about me, my family, my schedule. Their conversations were so default, especially when I was listening. I would hear them talk to another teacher, sometimes about me, and they were all praising me. So much. Even the students. They all laughed at my jokes and praise me. Why? They all acted like robots. And as I looked around at everyone in my life, I noticed, that they acted like robots too. Like they didn’t have emotions, no empathy. Only mere depictions of when they think empathy would look like. Of what they think I would want to see.

I’m now turning 16. I think that I’m being watched 24/7, I know I am. I know that they just want to make me believe that everything is normal, and the world is nice. But why, why me. Why are they doing this, why can’t I just be treated like a human. Why can’t my voice matter. Why can’t I make friends even if “I’m doing everything right”. Why won’t people listen to me even if “I’m doing everything I can”. I just want to be who I am in my head, I want to be noticed. Not by everyone. But by my own family. By my own peers. Even if my family isn’t mine and they were replaced, even if everyone is a robot and set to say things from the start. I just want someone to be honest with me. To have opinions. To have emotion.