33M Lifelong Faker Feeling Isolated
Not really sure what I am hoping to gain by sharing this. Maybe some validation, maybe some people to talk to who have similar experiences. Or maybe just to vent.
I suffered from childhood neglect due a schizoaffective parent. While I struggle to accept what I went though was truly that bad, especially compared to some of the stories I've read on this sub. CPTSD is what I am told I have so here we are.
I have always struggled with schooling and work due to bouts of severe anxiety and depression. Every time I get into something be it job, course or relationship I inevitably have a mental health breakdown and ruin it. I have good people in my life, close friends and a girlfriend but they are successful, seemingly functional adults and I am not. I can barely maintain a part time job due to stress. I feel like my brain can't retain information, things just slip through it like a sieve.
Does anyone else have this perpetual sense of having "tricked" people into liking them and that if they just knew the truth they would leave? Life is a constant performance to pass for being acceptable. I am a recovered shut-in and agoraphobe but I feel myself not wanting to leave my room. Only motivated to do so if I have work or social obligation. I am struggling to reply to people, pay bills or do anything to fix my situation. Like the best I can do is continue a holding pattern as I run out of money and chances.
I feel myself sliding backwards and I'm running out of time to sort out my life. If you can relate maybe we can talk about it.
Thanks for reading, be kind to yourself <3