u/Comfortable_Score221

I’ve been thinking a lot about where I’m at in life and why I feel the way I do, so I wanted to put my story into words. my life felt really unstable. In 4th grade, I moved away from my hometown and all my friends to a new state and school where I didn’t know anyone. In 5th grade I made some friends, but I never really felt connected or like I belonged. By 6th grade I had more friends, but it still didn’t feel solid. Then in 7th grade, I got sent to a different state again, so I had to restart all over. Not long after that, COVID happened, and I had to move back home again. In 8th grade, I went back to school where my parents were, but then they got divorced. So by the time I hit high school, I had already gone through a lot of change, loss, and instability. In 9th grade, I met a girl I really liked. We connected, talked a lot, and even planned to go to prom together. I felt like I loved her. But then she ghosted me and went with someone else. That stuck with me more than I realized. In 10th and 11th grade, I had another close friendship with a girl, but during that time a video of me saying something and jt got leaked, and I lost all of my friends. That was the of the lowest point for me. I started to shut down emotionally and just focused on getting through life. By 12th grade, I was on autopilot. I moved out, worked constantly, went to school, and didn’t really feel much. After graduating, I kept working and spent most of my free time playing video games to drown out my feelings I wasn’t really living, just existing. Then I met a girl I really liked more than I had anyone else meeting her changed something in me. I started feeling again. I fixed my sleep, started going to the gym, eating better, working on my future, and trying to build better habits last month I was a completely different person I would litteraly be unrecognizable anyways meeting her and changing my self brought up a lot of emotions I haven't felt in years I don’t fully understand any of it i realized I struggle with feeling like I’m not enough and being afraid I’ll end up alone. I get attached, I overthink, and I feel anxious, especially when I’m one on one with her because I don’t want to mess anything up. She’s also in a complicated relationship, which makes everything harder because I don’t know where I stand. Part of me wants to wait, and part of me knows I need to be careful not to lose myself in the process. Right now, I feel like I’m in a transition. I’m improving my life and becoming more disciplined, but emotionally I still feel lost and lonely all the time. I don’t think I’m where I want to be yet, but I’m trying to figure it out and being the person I am now is good for me I wanted to change but I had no motivation until I met her but it's hard having nobody and trying to change not only that trying to find stuff to do alone is hard as well because I don't have any friends and I'm scared to have friend because of the video that got leaked and I have extremely bad abandonment issues I'm going to work on I'm going to therapy this Thursday