Hello, im a 31 yr old female and all my life i have been tortured by anxiety/PTSD
I am married and recently ive been considering divorce just for my well being.
Husband is supportive of me and takes care of me well. He made a mistake 2 years ago and our relationship hasnt been the same since. Its really a me issue due to my anxiety, hes doing the best he can to rebuild trust, but honestly for me im just exhausted. Its exhausting to always have to work on myself and see therapist when someone hurts me. I feel like im at the point to where being alone is safest.
For a long time all i wanted (outside of being normal) was to find someone to love me and keep me safe. And everytime i place myself in someone elses hands i end up inevitably hurt. This is the best relationship ive been in (my current marriage) but even he makes mistakes and it ends up being another scar.
I love his family too but i dont want to see them all the time (and i dont) but they always call us to come visit and it pressures me. Ideally id like to see them maybe once every 3 months because thats just how i am and its what makes me feel “comfortable” but im aware thats not normal and rude. So i always “compromise” and visit them. And of course they all want us to have a baby (despite me openly saying its not likely to happen) and the reason on that is because my childhood trauma ends with me. Im not dumb enough to think ill be different from my mother nor irresponsible and thoughtless enough to place that burden on my own child. Not to mention i can barely keep me alive no way in hell i can raise a kid.
Anywho, Its just, i feel to tired. Like every little stimuli is just overwhelming to my senses and i feel like i HAVE ZERO room left in me to ‘compromise’ with anyone on anything for any reason. Like i just feel done. And idk what to do.
Part of me feels being single would alleviate a lot of my stress and mental issues and over all well being because its just me and i get along very well with myself and i can do everything i need/want to do without anyone getting in my way or having to explain anything and its just so safe feeling, knowing i have my own back. The problem with that is that because my whole life ive been a hopeless romantic that i know ill end up feeling extremely lonely. And honestly im worried ill end up killing myself at some point because how tragic is it to have lived the kind of life ive lived and endure the way i do and because of other peoples mishandling now ill never find love. Because its not safe and comes with a lot of pain. And then whats the point of living? So i can continue to suffer by feeling lonely & unfulfilled for the rest of my life? My purpose that drove me this far in life was love. I wanted to have it so badly.
But its so much pain i dont want it anymore. I dont want the burden of trying to be enough for anyone or worrying if i am or not. I dont want the burden of working on myself when im not the one who broke me. I dont want to “try” anymore. My relationship isnt perfect, its close but a crack was made in the foundation and ive spent 2 years tirelessly trying to cover it up. My previous marriage i spent 4 years. And its not even fully about the crack. Its also the fact that i desperately want to live abroad, ive always wanted to and my spouse doesnt. He wants to stay here in Texas (yuck) no offense to texas its just we are in el paso and its a desert and my dream life involves lush greenery, mountains, forests and creeks/lakes. Like i feel very connected to nature and im drawn to live somewhere beautiful (i work from home so i can literally live wherever i want) but bc im married and he doesnt want to, that means i have to settle and i was okay with that at first but now some time has passed and my mental health is how it is right now and im craving to see plant life and green yards and idk if its worth trying to stay in this relationship.
I would say this is a phase or rough patch, but i have revisited the idea of divorce several times over the past 2 years and its always because i feel like mentally it would alleviate a lot of my stress. Like idk if i can cope in a relationship anymore.
Has anyone gone through this or something similar? How did you cope/survive and were you able to recover your relationship or did you walk away?