u/Command_Firm

Hi,
Longtime reader, first time poster so please forgive me if I make any rookie mistakes or it’s formatted odd. 🥴

My best friend since we were 12 years old recently was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and it has already metastasized to her lungs. Admittedly we aren’t as close as we used to be as we’ve both had families and careers of our own and honestly we’ve both always planned to be little old lady widows together terrorizing a nursing home or cruise ship or seniors building. I was completely blind sided when she told me and I feel odd and kind of guilty saying this but I really think I would have handled getting the diagnosis myself better. I have one daughter who is 16 and she has four children ranging from 14 years old to just 1 year old and it absolutely breaks my heart that they’ll be losing their mother. The older two also have a different father so I’m worried that the children might lose the close sibling bond they have already. Her husband is a very nice, good man and my heart hurts for him to lose her as well.

She is very much loved by many people, and has developed fairly close relationships over the years with co-workers, mom-friends, etc. She has one of those personalities that she draws people in and is very easy to make friends with and she’s also always been very into doing new things and being social so she has a very broad network of friends. The last thing I want to do it push myself into her life more and it make someone else lose time with her, especially if she would rather be with her family or another friend but feels some sort of obligation to see me. I have told her this and I hope she believes me, because it is the honest to goodness truth.

She has told me she was most afraid to tell me about her diagnosis and that she is afraid she will be extremely emotional/sad when we do get together. I don’t fully understand but I may have felt the same way if our situations were reversed so I’m not taking any sort of offence or dreading on that. I’ve told her that I don’t want to pester her or make her feel like she owes me anything, she’s being cheated out of her life (her doctor’s have given her 6 months to 2 years, but I don’t know if she has relayed that to everyone in her life as she has been making a lot of positive Facebook posts and honestly, if that’s what she wants to do I’m not about to dispute or tell her to do anything different) but I also don’t want to be at her funeral and wishing I had used this time to be with her and spend her final months cherishing the time she has left and spending the last bits of time I can with her.

For those that have been through it, what’s the best way I can support and be there for her exactly as much as she needs and wants me to be? Do I just patiently wait for her to invite me to come out to her house? Periodically text and tell her I’m thinking of her and wish her well? She is like me and often assumes I’m busy or working and doesn’t want to bother me, so I’m just struggling with how to make sure she knows I’m available and willing to be there whenever she needs me without making her feel like “ugh, I feel like crap but I have to spend time with her because she is my oldest friend”

We are still close in a distant sort of way, we text each other fairly regularly, we were each other’s maids of honour, we’ll gossip when something happens with someone we went to school with or knew well when we used to spend more time physically together in our late teens/early 20’s. We’re still very much there for each other when life’s tough stuff hits, this is just the first time something this tough has hit and I find myself constantly worried that I’m not handling it the way she needs me to, and I know in the past there’s been many times she ends up feeling guilty or obligated to spend time with people and she’s complained about having to do things to spare their feelings to me. I don’t want to be one of those people because she’s worried about me being upset, but I also don’t want her to feel like she can’t come to me if she just needs to rage or cry or pretend she never found the lump in her breast. I have told her this. I’ve told her anything she wants to do, even if her family would think it’s stupid or “wrong” (like egging an old boyfriend or shitty coworkers house or something else silly and juvenile) I will be her sidekick, because I just want to be someone who can make her feel better, even just for a little while. I also kind of want to be able to act out some of the antics we’ve talked about doing when we’re old, like ditching our husbands and going to a male strip club when we’re wrinkly and old and just not giving a crap what anyone thought. Obviously for medical reasons (and sadly financial reasons) there’s more limitations to reality than our dreams of what old age could be like for us some day, but I still would do anything everything I could to make her smile and have some time just laughing and having fun together while we can.

Sorry for the long, likely rambling post. I have spoken about this with my very supportive partner and he has lent his advice, but I found this community and thought maybe even just typing out how I was feeling would help with my inner conflict of wanting to be available and present as much as she wants without making her feel obligated to entertain my thoughts of what might help her feel better as she navigates this. I guess a part of me feels like I should do everything I can for her while another part feels like I’m selfish for wanting her to spend time with me instead of her family, especially her children and husband when her time has already been cut so short. I’m also so unsure whether I should be realistic about her diagnosis or really optimistic and positive or just ignore it completely until she brings it up and try to follow her tone.

TLDR: My best friend since we were 12 has been given 6 months to 2 years to live and I don’t know whether to be constantly trying to arrange things to do with her/offering to help her or to patiently wait in the background for her to tell me she wants me around.

Sorry again for the rambling!