My bf (47M) and I (46F) have been together for a little over three years. I have no kids, he has one young daughter. We love each other, no ex/parenting drama, his ex and I are on friendly terms and his daughter adores me.
There's been a pattern where he tends to lash out when he's stressed or feeling like he's backed into a corner. I don't like to use the term 'gaslighting' loosely, but a lot of times it sure does feel like I'm being made the bad guy.
So his ex has been sick and he's been looking after his daughter the past few days. We meet every Tuesday and he's usually very good at letting me know of any change of plans, but yesterday he didn't say anything about us not meeting up in the evening. He messaged me to ask about my day (as he usually does) and I asked him if we're meeting up. He said his daughter is still having dinner but I could come over if I want. I said, "Hmm I didn't know you have your daughter tonight. I'm okay not meeting up but I would've appreciated you letting me know". He replied, "Oh yeah sorry, my bad. It's been crazy trying to look after (his daughter's name) and getting on top of work. I'm also ok not meeting up". I then said, "Understand that, but you should've let me know. It's Tuesday and we meet every Tuesday. Even if I go there, I wouldn't be spending time with you really". It escalated from there. Instead of saying, "Yeah fair, sorry, I'm just overwhelmed right now", he replied, "Well I already said sorry, I'm having a hard time looking after (his daughter's name) and trying to work at the same time, I don't need you to give me a hard time as well". That made my blood boil. Why was I made to feel like I'm the bad guy? I didn't put him in this situation?
He said he already said sorry but I "kept going at it". As if I was going on and on about it for 10 minutes. He then said he couldn't believe I thought his daughter wouldn't be with him. I said well how would I have known, her mum could've been feeling better? His daughter could've stayed with him but got picked up in the afternoon? I reiterated the fact that he didn't let me know.
At one point because I was so frustrated with being made to feel like the bad guy, I said something like, "I'm the one being 'inconvenienced' here, always having to adjust to your schedule". I didn't mean it literally, but yes, in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have said that. I also said I couldn't imagine him talking to his ex like that ("no need for you to give me a hard time as well"), as I know he never wants to 'rock the boat' as he relies on her to look after the daughter, and I didn't know how to feel about him feeling like he could talk to me however way he wants. He then said, "Maybe stop adjusting to my schedule then". I asked him what that means, and he replied, "If it's too hard and inconvenient for you, you don't have to adjust to my schedule. I don't like the comments you're making about me, you don't have to be with me". I told him I never said it's too hard, it's part of a compromise, what I meant was he can't take it for granted especially by talking to me like that when I've been very accommodating.
He didn't reply. In the past, every time we had an argument/fight, he would be silent for days and I was usually the one to reach out first. I know we need to talk but I'm tempted not to reach out this time. I don't like to bring out the past, but probably necessary for context: not too long ago I asked him to do something and he said he was too tired, but I wanted to talk about it and he got irritated and lashed out at me, at one point raising his voice and said, "If you're going to be like this, you should just go home!", which I did as I didn't appreciate the way he talked to me.