r/datingoverforty

Me and my friend went to a speed dating event and pretended like we didn't know each other. When we crossed tables I checked yes on him and he checked yes on me. We wanted to see if some of these organizations are doing this to get people to come back.

Tell me how when we got our results back via email we didn't match lol. Not saying every company does this but it's what I suspected was going on with some of these. For the high ticket price you pay (without a free drink mind you) you think this kind of stuff wouldn't happen.

Have a news channel currently working on a story on this so feel free to tell me any strange vibes you have had.

[supprimé]

I’ve been dating a guy for about a month and everything was going really well… until he asked me if I would deep clean his house, specifically the tile and grout in his shower, because he hates doing it.
We’ve been dating for ONE MONTH. Lol
I hate cleaning my shower too. That’s life!
And here’s the part that really gets me…I have cancer. He knows this. I still take care of my own home and handle my own shit, so I expect the grown man I’m dating to do the same.
I’m happy to help someone I care about when they actually need help. But a month into dating, asking me to deep clean your shower because you just don’t like doing it? No.
I’m looking for a partner, not another household to take care of.
Why do some men think women enjoy cleaning any more than they do?

I (49f) met a guy last night after chatting for a week. I knew immediately I was not attracted to him: he looked about ten years older than his pictures and about 20lbs heavier. After speaking for a few minutes I confirmed with myself that there was zero attraction.

I considered cancelling the date but he seemed so happy and eager. Plus we each had driven a half hour to meet in the middle. He's a nice guy. Interesting. Pleasant. We each had a drink.

I decided to make the best of it and asked questions and was engaged. He clearly thought the date was going well. He kept leaning in more and more and found my body language leaning backward. I kept all of the conversation very platonic.

Thoughts on how to deal with this in the future? Cut bait immediately? Be less engaging? Tell him up front that I feel no attraction but we can still have a nice evening? I'd especially appreciate how men would prefer a woman respond when your attraction is not reciprocated.

I’m a male in his 40s who has been single for a while after a lengthy divorce with 3 kids. One of the issues I’m having is when I try to date, my occupation seems to be a sticking point for some. I work in law enforcement and I know people have their preconceived notions about the profession but I’ve had more than one person tell me they didn’t think we were compatible because of my job. I don’t know if anyone else on this forum has had this issue but it definitely threw me for a loop. I really don’t want to date within my profession as I’d prefer to have an escape when off duty.

Edit: thank you for the replies! I’m definitely NOT ICE lol I’m surprised by the amount of comments mentioning that

I’m an anesthesiologist in my early 40s, and I’m getting pretty burned out on the apps. Between an unpredictable work schedule and everything else, keeping up with swiping, messaging, and conversations that often go nowhere is starting to feel like a second job. I’m at the point where I’d rather meet fewer people who are actually looking for something serious than have a ton of options to sort through.

I’ve been looking into alternatives and have started considering matchmaking in general. The idea of having someone handle the screening and introductions sounds appealing, especially when time is limited. I’m not expecting anyone to magically manufacture chemistry, I just like the idea of a more intentional process with fewer random dates.

Has anyone here, especially other doctors or people with demanding careers, tried matchmaking after getting tired of the apps? Was it actually a better use of your time?

[removed]

Before I crawl in bed and never crawl out again, can anyone tell me what that means?

I feel doubly stupid because I thought it was going well and said aloud “this was fun, we should do it again!” And that was his response.

So we waited for the check. This was my first time getting back out there.

update
Thank you all for your advice!! Now that I think about it, I just sort of blurted out that it was fun and we should do it again. But I wasn’t having a great time. He talked mostly about his mental health and not doing well lately, He’s been really in to alternative therapy and healing from his broken childhood. It was just awkward and I wished I was home with my dogs the entire time. His comment definitely caught me off guard and I plan to wait before dating for a while.

Context: My girlfriend and I have been on many dates and spent time alone before but never at my home. Next weekend she plans to spend some time here!

I asked her preferences and am stocking her fave beverage. Linens clean. Soap, shampoo, and conditioner--check! I know I'm forgetting something obvious or brilliant. The goal is of course to make her feel right at home. What would you add?

---EDIT: Improvements Made from Comments! ---

• Master bedroom dusted and de-cobwebbed
• Master bathroom trash liner added
• Blanket laundered
• Bought her fave snacks and drinks
• Bought lip balm, kleenex
• Replaced "broken" guest bathroom soap dispenser.
• Dining room tablet centerpiece: succulent in a Halloween vase
  • Because she doesn't like cut flowers. 😆

--- My own work ---

• Linens laundered
• Cleared out one drawer for her
• Both nightstands tidied top to bottom
• Bathroom drawers decluttered and organized
• Cleaned out under my bed. No monsters hiding there!

It was from 6 months ago, but it still confounds me.

We met on an app.

Some decent chats.

He got to be a little much...the love bombing before meeting me, saying he picked flowers thinking of me, making sure I knew he had money (which was a turnoff), and more.

Before we met up, he asked me, #1 do I like chocolate and #2 do I like cheese. Odd but maybe a surprise, and he said he was cooking something for me.

I decided to go on one date. There were a few things I liked about him before, even if there were odd things, but I didn't have a lot of hope.

We each drove 30 minutes and met for lunch. With a possible walk planned along a river after. I think his photos were about 10 years old. Another, no thanks. He insisted on paying ( I offered) but kept asking the waitress the price of everything. Making me uncomfortable about ordering. It was a casual, inexpensive lunch place.

That was all it for me. I told him I couldn't go on the walk and thanked him. When I got home, I texted him that I just didn't feel the connection, but thank you.

This is the strangest past. He handed me a bag when he walked me to my car. I figured it was whatever he cooked and thanked him. When I got home, there was a container that had cheese snacks. What he cooked. And then an unopened box of chocolate granola.

WTH? I can't figure it out. Why would a guy ever give a woman...cereal. There was never any talk of granola. No private joke. I threw out all of the food and didn't try a bite. It was too strange.

I really do despise dating. I hate small talk, I hate pleasantries, and I hate those conversations where you feel like you’re both just going through the motions.
I’d rather get straight into the cracks of a conversation. Tell me what you really think. Tell me the weird stuff, the uncomfortable stuff, what makes you laugh, what keeps you awake at night. Just be real.
The problem is, I know that kind of directness can be off-putting, especially when you’ve only just met someone. Most people probably need time before they go there.
So how do people who hate the whole dating ritual actually meet someone? How do you get to something genuine without having to wade through weeks of surface-level conversation first?

How important is kissing compatability to you?

I’ve spent the last month following the seemingly simple advice for meeting someone without apps: I’ve parked myself at bars and coffee shops, and I walk without earphones. I’m attractive, fit, in my early-to-mid-forties, and usually mistaken for late thirties, but maybe one or two men have talked to me each time—either someone extremely old who just wants to chat or the kind of man who approaches every woman. I've tried to initiate conversation too and...they end up being great, but definitely not single, and then I just seem like I'm with someone else, ie not dining/sitting alone.

I volunteered, too. I went to different places.

I’ve also tried newer dating apps and made an effort to be more approachable there, even giving conversations a chance but men open with things like “dang, let me get at it" or I have deeply weird, boring, and somewhat alarming exchanges. Meanwhile, the men sliding into my DMs seem to be twenty years too old or twenty years too young. I gave someone who has been flaky another chance and, well, he was flaky. The one man who is great in every way except I have zero attraction to him and when he goes to kiss me, I feel...ugh. This has not been the case with others.

I don’t have time to join new clubs or take on a whole new social life. I already belong to things, and nothing’s happening there either. I’m doing what I can, when I can, and I honestly don’t know what else to do.

"Put yourself out there” sounds so simple until you’re out there, wondering what’s supposed to happen next. I’m trying several ways to meet someone, and I’m running out of ideas—and enthusiasm. I’d like to have someone to share my great life with far more than time is running out.“

Hey everyone. This is more of a rant of my own experiences…, but am I the only one who feels like the modern dating scene has turned into a completely soulless dumpster fire?

I’m looking for a serious relationship—something real. But no matter where you look, the same dynamic repeats itself over and over again:

On the apps: The classic "let's just go with the flow" line (translation: I have no idea what I want, but I’m keeping 5 options open in case something 'better' pops up). You get treated like a product in a mail-order catalog. People hoard parallel conversations, running on pure ego and offering absolutely zero commitment.

In real life: You’d think skipping the apps and meeting people in the wild would be an improvement, like everyone told me to do … but nope. They just skip the pleasantries altogether. A guy approaches me, and within one hour at the bar he has the urgency to go home with me when I had not talked about sex at all.. Yesterday was the absolute cherry on top: a married guy with a kid back in Holland, visiting my country on vacation and completely obsessed with using me as his one-night entertainment. Zero respect for his family, and zero respect for me.. he pursued hard lol.

Then there are the guys on apps who straight-up lie and manipulate—pure dopamine junkies obsessed with intensity, the thrill of the hunt, and the high of the conquest. They pretend to be deeply invested, sell you a whole fake narrative for a few weeks, and play with your feelings just to get their fix. Then, the second the novelty wears off, they completely disappear and ghost you out of nowhere (happened in August). It's the same story when they ask for your phone number or Instagram: you give it to them thinking there's real interest, and suddenly they go cold, stop replying, or just fade away after getting their quick ego boost or getting a new follower … wtf.

My takeaway from all this is that people are being treated like disposable fast-fashion products. Quick hits of cheap dopamine, short-term pleasure, and then onto the next. There is zero genuine interest in learning who the person in front of you actually is—what they think, how they feel, or what they bring to the table as a human being. It’s like basic empathy has gone extinct, leaving behind a sea of adults addicted to instant gratification, ego validation, and low-effort sex.

When did it become totally acceptable to treat human beings like paper towels? Is it actually impossible nowadays to find a mature adult who isn't hopelessly hooked on novelty?

I’d love to hear your thoughts.