r/datingoverforty

I have been seeing "I don't chase, I attract" on men's profiles lately. Is this code for something? Alpha, red pill, etc? I am sure I am not interested, just curious.

Received this response on a thread that is now deleted, when I said I don't check those sites prior to getting to know someone.

Most women aren't there because they don't think guys should date around. They're there because they think women should know if a guy is a criminal, married and/or otherwise dishonest. Weird that you think it's just a bunch of gossip and lies as a woman. Also, just because you know a guy as a friend or family member or you went on a date once doesn't mean you know how he is in a romantic relationship.

Perhaps this is true in your city, but in mine it is truly "ARE WE DATING THE SAME GUY". I've seen very few posts about criminals since that can be checked elsewhere. Married would fall under the "dating the same guy" although for such a huge city I rarely see married men posted.

And no - I didn't know someone as a friend or family member or go on a date once with someone and think what was posted was untrue. I was DATING the man, although not exclusively, and a woman came on there posting about him, pissed that he was dating someone else. I asked if they'd had an exclusivity talk (the answer was no per her, she messaged me). Seems she'd gone on one date, acted pretty crazy, texted him from multiple numbers after being blocked.

I'm amazed at the women on there who think things should be exclusive after a couple of dates when they haven't had that conversation with the other party yet. So yea, it's mainly butthurt feelings over expectations that were never discussed / gossip.

I’m approaching 46, single, no children, and I’ve been thinking about how dramatically my definition of attraction has changed as I’ve gotten older.
When I was younger, chemistry could carry most of the weight. Someone could be exciting, funny, attractive, fascinating and my imagination would fill in the remaining 70% with optimism.
Now I find myself wanting something that is simultaneously less exciting on paper and much more meaningful in reality.
I want the person who calls because something ridiculous happened and I’m the person they want to tell. Someone who can disagree with me without turning disagreement into combat. Someone curious enough to ask questions and actually listen to the answers. Someone whose presence makes ordinary life better rather than someone I need ordinary life to recover from.
And strangely, I don’t think that means I want less chemistry. I think my definition of chemistry has changed.
Emotional safety is attractive to me now. Intelligence is attractive. Curiosity is attractive. Consistency is extremely attractive. Being able to laugh together when everything has gone completely sideways might be one of the sexiest qualities imaginable.
Maybe this is one of the stranger parts of dating in your 40s, you’re not simply looking for someone you’re attracted to anymore. You’re looking at another fully formed human being and quietly wondering, what are two lives actually feel good together?
So I’m curious, particularly from the men here because I don’t hear this discussed from the male perspective nearly as often:

What became attractive to you after 40 that you genuinely didn’t understand or value when you were younger?
And has that changed the kind of woman you find yourself wanting a relationship with?

Hi everyone!
I’ve gone out with a man (45) three times, about once a week. Outside of texting to set up dates, he doesn’t really call or message. In person he seems genuinely interested and has told me he’s very attracted to me.

His wife passed away two years ago, and he still refers to her as “my wife,” which makes sense since he hasn’t dated since. When we first met, I told him I wanted to go slow.

My question is: Is this level of texting normal early on? Is he giving me space because I said I wanted to go slow, or is he just not that into me? In past relationships, anyone interested in me usually texted daily.

We last saw each other Saturday. On Sunday I asked if he wanted coffee, and he said he’d like to see me but had church and work to do, and suggested a rain check. He didn’t text again after I said that was fine.

What do you think?

Me and my friend went to a speed dating event and pretended like we didn't know each other. When we crossed tables I checked yes on him and he checked yes on me. We wanted to see if some of these organizations are doing this to get people to come back.

Tell me how when we got our results back via email we didn't match lol. Not saying every company does this but it's what I suspected was going on with some of these. For the high ticket price you pay (without a free drink mind you) you think this kind of stuff wouldn't happen.

Have a news channel currently working on a story on this so feel free to tell me any strange vibes you have had.

Preface: Ok I keep getting the same thing over and over. I AM NOT JUMPING FROM 3 DAYS OF KNOWING A WOMAN TO STEP DADDY. I just want some insight or posed questions to help me decide if pursuing a relationship with said single mother is something I want. So i don't rush into something, disrupt a woman and her family just so i can explore something brand new and unknown.

So I'd like to hear from men who've got some real-world experience.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT FINDING A PARTNER. A potential partner has been found.

So about me. I am 43M. Somehow, against all odds, I'm financially independent and have an unusually flexible lifestyle. I have no obligation in life except to myself. No family whatsoever, orphan status my entire life. I was married once upon a time in my early twenties but never had any children. I've dated quite a bit over my life but never had a single person spark my actual attention....

Just last month while traveling, this amazing woman somehow captured my attention in a way I've never experienced. We spent 3 days together in a little whirlwind of connection. She's beautiful, smart, successful (holds a high level corporate job that is HIGHLY competitive), independent, direct, lives where I've been actively seeking to go set up a more stationary life and have great friends and a small community, and is not far off from my age.

At the end of the second day, she dropped a bomb. She is a single mother of 3 young boys (under the age of 10)..... Was I surprised? Yeah, a little. But then I started noticing things about her that made sense of who she is and why I've become so highly intrigued.

I've never dated a single mother, but honestly, I've never had the opportunity or drive to. I have at one point wanted a family of my own, but honestly, now I don't care one way or the other.

When we parted ways, I thought it would probably kind of fizzle out and life would go back to the way it was. Now a month has passed by and we still message and video call. We've been learning about each other, and we both have shown immense interest and found maybe something worth exploring.

That being said..... Her children are most important and nothing matters more than them. They are her first priority, and she has made that clear. And I completely agree.

She has a complex life with great responsibility both to her kids and her professional career. And I am the absolute opposite, with no more work and a fluid lifestyle that has me living on the road the majority of the time.

We've discussed boundaries, responsibilities, and our views of what we'd each expect if a serious relationship were to develop. Her concern would be my lack of knowledge or experience with family dynamics, as I've literally never had anything like that in my life. But she also sees how someone like me could potentially take to it like a fish to water because it's something I've never experienced, even as a child. Me I feel like a deer in the headlights. Maybe this truck hits me maybe it slows down and I figure it out.

I tend to agree with both of her thoughts on this.

We've decided to continue talking, and after a few months, when I travel back that direction and she has more time, we can reconnect and maybe explore this idea.

Now the question for men and even women:

Have you ever dated a single mother? What were things that surprised you, and what did you learn?

I know sacrifice would be large on my end, and loss of the relationship means loss with more than just her or me. I have spent my entire adult life with almost complete freedom and no family obligations. I've unexpectedly met a woman I genuinely care about who comes with three children and a very complicated life.

What does a man like me need to understand before deciding whether I'm actually capable of building a life around that?

Do you have any questions or views that maybe I need to consider?

I'm just at a loss. This woman has really grabbed my attention in a way I DO NOT want to ignore.

Maybe I'm crazy....

Thanks in advance, and please, I'd like to keep the comments or advice to those who have lived experience. That goes for any single parents who dated a someone with no kids. And I guess the perspective of someone who grew up with a single parent who had a relationship with someone with no knids could be insightful.

Please see my original post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/s/W6CLqCaif5

So I never heard back from him. It is so stunning to me that someone could be so caring and loving for so long and then just shut me out entirely. But I really appreciate everyone’s feedback on the situation because I hadn’t really realized that him deciding to go to the concert was really selfish. I’d have stayed with him, but I just felt like I’m a bit weird in that way. You all have thankfully shown me otherwise.

I also know that it is him, and not me. My best friend is actually a therapist, and I didn’t wanna bring this to her because I hate asking for free therapy lol, but in talking to her, she pointed out that his response was absolutely a trauma response. He came from a marriage where he was the victim of domestic violence to the point where she got arrested and convicted. He previously told me that he felt trapped in his marriage. So I can see why he behaved that way, but what the hell are you doing looking for a long-term relationship when you are not healed? What I do know is that a year from now I am likely to be far happier and more content in my life than he is. I don’t do drama and while I am an extraordinarily patient person, I have zero tolerance for that kind of bullshit in my life. I am too secure and value my peace too much for that.

I will use this experience though. I had never thought to ask if he had done therapy or anything to heal after his marriage. I also didn’t ask why him and his last girlfriend broke up. Those two things won’t happen again.

Anyway, I heard from a former FWB who is long distance last night for the first time in a few months. He had backed off when I told him that my boyfriend and I were exclusive. So looks like I might have some fun in my future after all! As they say, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else haha.

Thanks again for all the help!

​

F/40 M/55

The guy that i just talked to, he asked me this question "can you tell me about yourself?".

It feels like a job interview really, or am i wrong to feel this way?

Before this, i asked him questions (one step at a time) instead of saying "can you tell me about yourself".

I expressed this feeling to him that i feel like i am in a job interview. And his answer was like "i am sorry i feel like i keep puting my foot in it".

And i replied "i get you, i know it wasn't mean badly".

Then he replied "it's up to you. I think your sick is taking on toll on you. You need to rest and bla bla".

I feel the communication skill didn't match at all? Or do i expect too much?

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

This miscommunication happened before he asked me "tell me about yourself" (which made me super confused about what he was trying to get from me).

HIM: For me messaging like this gets tiresome after awhile and repetitive , adults should be able to communicate with each other

ME: What do you mean?

HIM: I’m actually a good communicator and enjoy talking to people face to face on FaceTime

But for me most people think it’s pushy to ask for that ?

ME: I don't have facetime.

I don't think so

HIM: Ah ok 👍 I mean on video chat

ME: Sure we can do that later don't worry

HIM: Relax 😎 also you have to understand the cultural differences too

ME: Not sure what you're trying to say

HIM: I just mean I like chatting and talking it super healthy I think 🤔 Nothing crazy

I’m a dark skinned Black woman in my mid-late 40s with three children, all over the age of 12, so they’re independent and I have time to date. I’m financially secure, educated, own my home and have a job that supports me and my kids. But it has been brutal trying to date again. Very few matches with OLD, and when I do match, I’ve found that the majority of the time it’s men with racial fetishes they want to fulfil, or people who spend the date looking around at other women.

I’m not unattractive, but I’m also not a knockout. I’m a generally small person (5’0 and 110 lbs) with an average looking face. I have the usual apron belly from childbirth and a small chest. It’s been 6 years since my separation, and one year since my divorce. I spent a lot of time healing, and I’ve been ready and trying for a year because I was waiting to be fully divorced to date. I would like to find someone, but it can be demoralizing to hear how easy it is for women to date, while not really getting much traction online or in person. I’m also quiet so I don’t have the bubbly loud personality that attracts others to me, but I do put myself out there.

I would like advice on how others, especially dark skinned Black women, deal with this issue. How do you avoid the fetish seekers, and weed out men who are just settling for you when they can’t get other dates? How do I make sure I’m not settling for either, when I’m also not considered the “cream of the crop” by the majority of men on dating apps?

I’m aware of the research and dark skinned black women have disproportionately low match rates with OLD. I have no racial preference and swipe on a good number of men whose profiles I find interesting. It is easy to declare that it doesn’t matter, but it can be discouraging. How do you keep from losing hope?

Okay I'm going to give what I guess the most common answers will be:

1. They don't match the photos.
2. Personality is different from the online chat.
3. They're shorter than they advertise in the profile.

I’m gay, but I’m not limiting this to other gay men. Straight men too. I’m just curious because my whole adult life I’ve just wanted to be in a monogamous relationship with someone who’s got my back, where I’ve got their back to, and we both like each other enough and respect each other enough to stick around. Used to be a pretty normal thing but in 2026 it seems quite unusual.
I’m 41 now and guess I just don’t get it. Yes sometimes people just aren’t that into you, but a lot of the time I can tell that guys are legality afraid of commitment as if it is a rope slowly closing around their neck.
What’s happened exactly in the world that’s made this so common on the last 30 years? 🤔
I look for a partner because as an only child, I’d like to have family members after my parents die. That’s a pretty big anxiety for me. Is it to do with having siblings/big families where that isn’t such a big worry? I can’t figure out what it is.

I met someone who I like and we’ve had 4 dates. On our 4th date, the physical acts escalated pretty quickly. I like him, but I want to slow things down a bit. How do I do this?

On our 4th date, he kept asking me to go to the bedroom to have intercourse. I told him no sex and that I wanted to go slowly. I do like him and want to see him again and am nervous that I’m going to mess this up. Thank you!

I met a man (44m)on FB dating this Feb. 

He has consistently been kind, thoughtful, considerate and emotionally present. He's hot too. 

I (43f)... I am struggling. 

I am just over a year out of my 15yr marriage.  I was very clear in my dating profile - I want to move out of my city in the next few years, and I am not looking for a LTR- more of a person that I enjoy spending time with- and whom I can direct my sexual energy into. 

On our initial dates, we were in alignment on FWB.

Well, we got drunk on night in July, and he told me he loves me. I told him I appreciated that, and that while I am not there yet, he was definitely going down the right path. 

Then he did it again, after sexytime, under his breath.  I pretended not to hear it. 

I really do like this guy, I enjoy his time. He has not one red flag I can detect. I feel little flutters when I think about him sometimes - and I feel absolutely terrified by that. 

I don't want to be "possessed". I don't want the expectation that we will fold our lives together. (I am on the verge of an empty nest, and his youngest is 10. ) I am also afraid that the moment I let mysellf love him, he will change. 

I don't know how to proceed. Do I shut my mouth, stay detached, and potentially come across as "emotionally unavailable" (which I might be?) 

Or do I embrace that I like this dude, with the clear path in front of me to love him? 

I need to talk through this datingover40.

Please, and thank you. 

Hey y'all,

I will be ending my 5 year Celibacy streak (took time to heal and find my authentic self after my marriage ended) in a few days and wanted to know if anyone had any tips for prepping before hand so as to calm anxieties, decrease new partner sex awkwardness and foster sexual intimacy? Chemistry is off the charts so not sure if I am overthinking it.

Also, when is too soon to disclose mental health conditions (severe pstd and cptsd) to your partner when symptoms from these conditions are already affecting the relationship? I have a disorganized attachment style (worst of the worst multiple severe childhood traumas) Been in therapy for 5+ years, doing the daily work but anyone who has done the work knows how pesky these triggers can still get.

Is it worth sharing before doing the deed or would you just not raise it? He feels emotionally safe and not judgmental. We have been dating for only two weeks and have been in multiple back to back dates each week. However, after spiraling on Sunday, we had a discussion and agreed to slow down a bit (for my own sanity because I was becoming too attached but it is not his fault he is so funny, charming and sexy ya know....this connection feels intense but also secure at the same time).

Edit: please stop sending me dms, I will ignore every single one.

I did it. I asked someone out face to face. Haven't done that since high school. I spent so much time analyzing the situation. Played all the scenarios on how it would go. Finally, I just said it's time to stop being a chicken shit and go do it. I always told my kids to not live a life of fear because that's not a life worth living. So I took my shot...

And it didn't go as bad as I thought it would. It wasn't a no. Wasn't a yes. I can take that and respect it. But that's a milestone I never thought I'd have the courage to do again. And it's so much better than the dating apps.

I’ve been a serial monogamist all my life and I’m still learning how to date, let alone OLD. My life is so busy, and I really only have time and focus for one person at a time. I’m talking to a guy I really like and we are going on a date this weekend. In the meantime I’m getting messages from other men that look interesting, but ignoring them. It seems drastic to pause my account when I don’t even know if this guy will show to our date, or what will happen if he does.

Do people expect messages to be ignored for a while? Is it considered rude to message them later if things don’t go anywhere with the guy im talking to?Feels silly to ask such a simple question but I’m clueless!

My boyfriend is on vacation with his daughter (early teens) for 7 days (it is almost over). I wasn't expecting much texting, but I'm disappointed that he didn't send a single photo or one or two check-in texts during the day to let me know he was thinking about me. He did text me in the evening, but barely. Just a quick hi, it's awesome here, and then a few times he stopped responding (I'm guessing he was busy with his kid), so I just went to bed. I guess I'm just hurt and wanted a little effort. He had time to post a video on Facebook. If I was on vacation, I'd think of him and send a few photo and texts. It makes me feel like he didn't think about me at all. We have been together for almost a year.

What do you think, am I overreacting? I'm not planning on turning this into a fight, probably just a discussion about how I'm disappointed and hurt.

I've been with the guy for about 2 years now. He has chronic ED. I am patient and understanding and act like it's not a big deal because I don't want to hurt his feelings but it is definitely affecting our bedroom time. I haven't had sex in a meaningful way the entire time we've been together. He's very attentive in other bedroom ways and ensures that I have a great time, but at some point I'd like the real deal, you know?

I've got some questions and I just need male input here....

He takes very good care of his body. He runs. He eats paleo. In fact his job is teaching health related topics. He's super dialed in on that type of stuff. He has a history of being a man about town. Never married and had a pretty full roster until me. Never wanted to settle down. Happily going about life as a Peter Pan. And then I popped up on his bumble. He has apparently carried a torch for me since our college days 25 years ago. Apparently I've played a huge role in his life because I was kind to him in the time when other people were not. He told me that my kindness in a certain situation shaped the trajectory of his life.

From the very start we ran into issues. No matter what I did it would not result in much. He started taking testosterone and that hasn't really helped. Then he started taking some pill. I don't know which one. And sometimes things will happen for him but he can't maintain it. It never ever ever lasts. We will be mid activity and poof it's gone. Nothing I do can make it come back. There is one position where if things are going in a positive direction for him, he can usually maintain things if he's very aggressivly moving but it's a position that doesn't do a thing for me. Nothing. And the aggressive movement is no good either.

I thought these pills were supposed to make things last. I thought sometimes people had a hard time getting things to go down afterwards..... I'm starting to feel bad about myself. Like somehow I'm so terrible i've defeated the pills and rendered them ineffective. I know he knows I feel that way because he assures me all the time that it's not me. He says he's just not used to women who are also givers. He's the kindest man. I don't want to make him feel bad so it's hard to discuss. He goes out of his way to ensure I have a good time in other ways but I'd like more variety and actual sex. I've talked to my therapist about it and she thinks it's in his head. Especially since the only way it does seem to work is when he's in a dominating position/can't see my face. He has told me that sometimes he thinks that it's because he thinks I'm so wonderful (he jokingly calls me an angel among mere mortals) that he can't imagine he's doing these dirty things to me.... If it is in his head then bringing it up will surely make that worse? Does anybody else have these issues? I am coming from a completely sexless marriage of 25 years (my ex was closeted and cheating on me- I can't lie- with this going on so long, worrying that that's happening again pops up in my head for this situation, too) and so running into a relationship after my marriage that is sexless in a different way is kind of depressing.....

I recently dated a wonderful guy (44M) i met on Hinge. He literally had every single thing a girl can ask for and then some - divorced over 11years, great career that he is passionate about, active in sports, wonderful manners, great sense of humour, wanting a long term relationship, old school chivalry, would text sweet nothings and everythings all day long etc etc. We live less than 5km apart. Just that I had to pull teeth to get him to put a proper date on the calendar.

The first date out of hinge, I had to ask him to ask me out properly. Then ask him again closer to the date to book a restaurant i liked because he hadn't moved. Then for the second date i suggested the day and then again asking closer to the date ask where he wanted to go, he then booked something last minute (great place that he think completely negates the drag). We made out on the way back in the cab. I point blank told him that he has to plan all the dates henceforth. Two days passed after that with constant chatter on WhatsApp but no next 'date' - so I stopped replying.

He panicked, sent long messages, asked to meet for coffee "even if for just a short time" and I agreed to meeting him the next day. The next day, finalising that coffee date took 25 text exchanges and it was properly excruciating. Other in person or WhatsApp chats were always so warm and nice, even if it was for sure accelerated intimacy after 3 dates.

Next date was set for later that week - same thing again about the restaurant not being booked until I asked a day before and then him throwing defensive deflections at me and eventually apologising and then quickly changing the topic.

I told him that this is a huge problem for me - i had told him many many times over the past dates and messages. He agreed.

Then again 2 days passed after the 4th date with constant WhatsApp communication and no date invite. I stopped responding for good this time.

Its not like i wanted to meet him at restaurants only - a date request for a jog would have been just as good. His low efforts had me thinking that he might be a player trying to slot me into a roster - but surely players want physical proximity. I dont even know what his endgame was. Eternal digital relationship?

Im feeling super bummed to lose such an electric and lovely potential for such a bizzare reason. How can he not manage to lock dates even when asked repeatedly? The hint is right in the word - 'date'!

I know we're supposed to be positive about dating here, but I'm getting really discouraged and could use support or a reality check or something.

I get matches, I go on dates, sometimes multiple dates with someone, but nothing ever goes anywhere and it's starting to get to me.

I'm 46M, I've been married twice and have a child from each marriage. There's nothing exciting or scandalous about either divorce, we just didn't work out for various reasons and co-parenting is smooth and everyone gets along fine.

I have my shit together, good job, friends, introverted, but kind and honorable with a subtle witty sense of humor. But...nothing, no progress. I feel like my past, my situation, makes me kind of 'bottom of the barrel' and I'm getting passed over for people with less baggage.

I don't know, that's all I guess. Just venting. I feel like I'm a decent looking guy with a pleasant mellow personality and it just doesn't make a difference.

Anyone else in my situation feeling hopeless? How do you keep your chin up?