r/datingoverforty

45M here, living single.

Besides basics of cleanliness, hand soap, toilet paper.... do women ever expect anything else in a guest bathroom when visiting a date's house?

Tissues, Qtips?

So I've been talking to this lady on Facebook dating for about a week(both early 40s). I've been really enjoying talking to her but I asked her out for coffee and a stroll after we'd been talking for about a day or so and she dodged the question. It's made even more annoying because we've been communicating in a very pen-pal manner(she only responds 2-3 times a day but we send novel length messages back and forth) so it makes it hard to highlight any given message without feeling like I'm derailing the rest of the conversation.

On top of that, the other night she mentioned she'd been having a really heavy month, so I invited her to vent if she needed it. It turns out it's been more than a bad month, she's had a nightmare of a year. I appreciated her openness and gained some understanding of her time constraints.

I'm not sure where to go from here... I want to confirm that we're both on the same page as far as what we're both looking for relationship-wise(I mean we both have only LTR as what we're seeking on our profiles), but I'm not sure how to proceed. I don't want to feel like I'm pressuring her, but I'm also not on a dating site to make friends. Should I just more or less ignore one her next messages and be straight up? Like let her know that I understand that her free time is limited and I'm willing to move at whatever pace is comfortable for her, but ultimately put what I'm seeking on front street?

Any advice would be appreciated, especially from someone that may have navigated this sort of situation in the past.

I guess what I'm looking for is how to move forward. Even after another relationship.

Ex wife and I divorced March of 2025. She moved on pretty quick and met someone in August? I think, and has been with him ever since.

It took me a bit longer to move forward. But low and behold I met a woman through my daughters school. Single, had 2 great kids, and she was great herself. We dated for about 2 months and a ton of stuff clicked. Emotionally aware, attractive, great communicater. The list goes on. We hit some road bumps around Valentine's day, and ended up breaking up. Honestly started to take the road less traveled and started to talk again (our girls are best friends). We did that round a few times, until we're here, which is ignored texts and she has someone else already.

I get that everyone moves on differently, and there are signs, etc. But I felt like I found someone that I connected so well with that the long haul and road bumps would smooth out if I kept pouring myself into it.

Not the best answer.

To me, it's grieving-again. And I feel like it takes a lot to move past yet another relationship, long or short and start again as a 40 male.

I did online dating for a week and hated it. Couple matches, but nothing worth writing home about. I also don't feel I can get a really good sense of energy through that style. I learn little, and honestly I feel like I came across a lot of the same.

How did you do it? What was it like to move forward after another failed relationship. What did you do?

People are so flaky after 40.

Alot of no responses or terrible excuses when they get asked out to dinner, or what have you.

In the same breath they're asking where are the good people at that want a relationship etc.

I think I'm done trying to date.

No use anymore.

Calling out to the ladies dating younger men... I need your advice and feedback please.

I am 47F- I'm closing my eyes and I will try to meet somebody so much younger. I have so much anxiety wrapped around this meet up. One of the reasons I said yes- he has been following me on stream for a long time. He is travelling to see me and I don't have the heart to say I can't. A part of me is skeptical about this because what if these young men now are just really good at sweet talking and I don't want to be some kind of challenge that they need to complete.

I (mid 40s) matched with this guy (mid 30s) a little over a week ago. He had just left home for a weekend trip and we chatted very briefly on the app to agree that we'd like to meet for a date which he had projected would be the following weekend or the following week. I had no intention on having a texting relationship before meeting because I think it's absolutely pointless. I went along with it to be polite, and as a couple days went by, the tone morphed into a more sexual one. We basically negotiated a sexual relationship and both parties were interested in meeting sooner than later. He's been the more pursuant party and has sacrificed sleep to text with me. I get the sense that his job requires working past normal business hours. My hunch is that he's put his whole life into his career, as he's in a high level role for his age (based on other remarks he's made).

Since 5 days had gone on and there was no concrete plan on when to meet, I decided to just ask. The exchange goes as follows:

Me: you ever going to ask me out, btw?

Him: my old roommate is in town for the weekend though so was trying to figure out exact plans with him. He’s visiting some family. but was still hoping we could make something work. Do you have big plans? 

Me: I’m probably going to (redacted location) on Sunday. If we hang out Friday, that. If not, I’ll figure something out. Saturday, idk what I’m doing. 

Him: Damn okay Friday might be the hardest day for me. But Saturday I think is better. 

Me: When you will you know what day we’re going to meet? 

Him: I think Friday

His last text was on Thursday. I received nothing Friday nor Saturday. Early Sunday morning (around 1am), he sent a text saying, “how’s your weekend been going?” 

By Saturday afternoon, I calculated the experience as a ghosting which honestly angered me as it's never happened before especially in the context of a first date with a possible hookup. It didn't dawn on me that a man would ghost a woman who (if the meeting went well) was interested in an immediate sexual relationship (as men are typically highly sexually motivated).

I haven’t responded to his text because, had I been in his situation, I would have sent a text saying that I was busy with the friend or whatever and wouldn’t be able to schedule anything until after. I consider my approach to fall within normal social grace/tact, especially in the context of meeting someone for the first time. 

I’m not interested in a pointless pseudo intimate texting relationship. It’s a fantasy, not a reality. I'm torn because I was actually interested in meeting him and we had a lot of the same tastes. But, I have a problem respecting people who can't function in the sphere of planning and scheduling and displaying basic regard and respect for others and their time.

What would you do if it were you; would you text and clarify as to what happened or would you just ignore any future received texts and drop the whole thing?

Thanks for any feedback.

There's nothing wrong with getting older and acting older. I'm seeing too many people acting ashamed of being older. Men I've spoken to this past year either lied about looks or finances, even lie about them eating healthy lol. Just be yourself. If someone wanted younger, they'll go get one. I personally think baldness is attractive, and if your back hurts, hell my knees do too! Embrace the age and be grateful. Stop with the ai photos ugh ..It's so unattractive to me when you try to act younger.

My bf and I broke up about 4 months ago. We had been on again off again for 2 years.

I don’t think I’m ready to date again but I think I will want to in another few months.

Since my divorce, I’ve struggled with how to gage sexual compatibility. Introduce the subject too early, sex becomes the focus. Too late and I’m emotionally invested before I realize we are incompatible. Sex is important to me and I would like my partner to be curious, comfortable in their own sexuality, and secure enough to not be intimidated by mine.

I’ve seen this question before from both men and women. So is there a secret? I know it isn’t an exact science, but when do you find it makes sense to talk have a conversation about what you want from a relationship in terms of sex? People seem so comfortable talking about desires regarding exclusively, cohabitation, marriage, even finances. The subject of sex seems trickier.

UPDATE:
I told him he made me uncomfortable and canceled the date on Tuesday. Thank you all for the replies.

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I’m going to preface by saying I had been off the dating scene for over 6 months. I recently signed up for both Bumble and Hinge and I’ve got a few matches that I’m exploring. I might be overthinking this so please help.

I matched with this man that lives 45 minutes away. I agreed to go on a date this coming Tuesday. Yesterday he asked me for my number because he wanted to FaceTime before the date. I agreed but we haven’t FaceTimed yet. We have not met yet. He also scheduled our dinner date for 5:00pm.

This morning he sent me a “good morning gorgeous”, which felt off. Then he decided suddenly to get rid of his work shift and became available today for a date. I had made plans with my kids that I told him I’d confirm. In the meantime we talked about what we would do and he immediately offered to have me come over to his house, order in and watch a movie, if I was comfortable. I told him I wasn’t. Then he suggested a place by his house, to have some wine. I like the place but it’s a chain, and they also have one by me. I feel like he’s pushing to have me come near his house. Now I got a bad gut feeling about the whole thing. I confirmed my plans with my kids so I told him I couldn’t make it today. He asked if Tuesday still works and I replied yes but I’m considering canceling it. It seems like he’s looking for a hookup and that’s not what I’m looking for. What would you do?

Just curious if this is an old tale or if it really happens.

It has been years since I dated anyone. It's either going to be the best choice I made or worst choice.

Either way, I'm hopeful. Wish me luck.

Since I gained weight from medication.
How can I still be confident while I work on my weight loss?
Thank you!

Beyond online dating where else do you find it easy to meet other singles? I also want to say that I am a gay male in his 40s which does play a role in social dynamics

After 3 years of deep physical and emotional intimacy and a lot of unsure feelings I started dating my best friend a widower. We started out relationship back in December. We had spent time together with our kids many times and so we told our kids about us. we were dating for 6 months and it’s been the same wonderful friendship but the emotional connection has felt a little unstable he always seemed to be so in to me and then when we started dating I felt like he pulled back a little. I kept checking in and because we both have kids he has his full time we have not had a spent a night together. I questioned it and he was hesitant I was upset about it not because I wanted it to be a regular thing just like a one off- figure out a night we could do it. He spent time after thinking about why he was hesitant and he couldn’t put his finger on it buthe questioned if it was about the idea that it would make the relationship more serious and he wasn’t sure if he wanted that. I started wondering where I stood and things got a little distant emotionally between us but we both agreed there was more to explore and we spent some really wonderful fun days and dates together. He sent me sweet messages and we were getting along very well. fast forward 3 weeks- we had a date planned for the following day he had sent me a cute message about missing my face and then that evening he called me out of the blue and he broke up with me over the phone. He told me he doesn’t think we want the same things and the feelings just aren’t there. We then had a long convo where I tried to convince him to give it a little time to work on it he refused saying it wouldn’t be genuine. I had been going through some very hard personal things and I was upset that he was breaking up with me out of the blue as I was dealing with these things he told me he would still be there for me but not as a boyfriend. I ended getting quite upset and said some unkind things but I then fully apologized. As much as I wanted it to work between us romantically I could feel that it wasn’t quite right but the friendship we have built has been the most important one I’ve had. He now will not reply to any of my messages I’m really upset how he has suddenly cut me off. I’m completely distraught. I messaged him on Friday and no reply and again today to say: I know the romantic relationship wasn’t feeling right, even though I really wanted it to, and I know we both put a lot of energy into trying.

Even if dating didn’t work, I thought we were still kind and caring to each other and genuinely having fun and enjoying our time together. I never felt like I was awful to you. More than anything, your friendship always meant more to me than having a “boyfriend.” Losing that so suddenly has been incredibly lonely and confusing.

I don’t understand what I did that made you feel you needed to cut me out of your life so completely and so urgently. I know you may have needed to end the relationship, but I never expected to lose you entirely, and I think that’s the part I’m struggling to make sense of.

If there is something I’ve done that I’ve not understood, I would genuinely like to know. And if you’ve decided you don’t want me to contact you again, please tell me. I’ll respect that. I just don’t want to keep wondering.

Why won’t he reply to me, how do I handle this?

Context: At my ripe old age I’m still learning my boundaries and dealbreakers and I am not sure if this is a clear violation. Would love insight.

My ex - who broke up with me a few months ago, saying things like how he felt like we’re supposed to grow old together but he was too overwhelmed - came back a couple months ago saying he wanted to reconcile and still felt like I was his person, etc.

I was hesitant. Our relationship had ups and downs and a few breaks (we still talked during them but after each break things seemed to get worse) and by the time we broke up it wasn’t healthy. I had a lot of clarity on how I was contributing to our dynamic and what would need to change and tried to ask him a lot of questions to determine what would actually be different on his end, so we were working through all of that.

To be clear, we had not officially decided to get back together. I initially said I had to think about it then said the various things I needed. One of the conversations was tough because I talked about all the things I let slide that I couldn’t see happen again, and - according to him - it left him feeling like he’d failed and wondering if this could actually be repaired.

In any case early on I said that for me if we were reconciling that it was important that we were off the apps and not pursuing other options. He agreed to that if we were officially reconciling. Then I said actually if we were talking at all I’d like for app activity to stop. He said he hadn’t deleted his profile but wasn’t really using them and we could talk about it. We didn’t; I asked him another time and he said the same thing, that he wasn’t really talking to anyone but this time said that he could delete it.

In any case I discovered that he had most certainly not deleted. When I asked him he tried to pretend like it was paused even though I’d literally just found it (I was not using mine but still had it and had gone in to see if I could find his). He was a bit vague on the timeline but apologized, deleted it, sent screenshots, said that he wanted to rebuild trust and that he didn’t want this to get off on the wrong foot.

What concerns me is that he mislead me, and then tried to construct a false narrative. It makes me feel like I am still not getting the full truth. We had a follow up conversation where he was upfront that he’d not fully stopped swiping - it had become habitual, he was unsure about whether things with us could work, it had become a source of validation of getting matches, but when I said I was upset he was keeping his options open he said it wasn’t about that because he wasn’t actively pursuing people or going on dates.

He apologized and since then he’s been more engaged and more consistent.

That said this is the second or third time I know of during our history where he has been vague or misleading about what’s going on. I’m very transparent and if I’m not ready to be exclusive with someone I will usually just say that; he said he didn’t want to jeopardize things but I’m confused because why would you come back to get back together when you are still on the apps?

Because I dated someone who was a pathological liar in the past I don’t know where this falls. Understandable reconciliation gray zone, or serious boundary violation?

What do you all think? And looking for insight not just “they’re exes for a reason”. I know that, too.

After how long/if ever is it ok?

There’s someone I’d be potentially interested in; he’s an old coworker from years ago and we are still Facebook friends. His wife (who I never met) unfortunately passed a couple years ago. I haven’t interacted beyond Facebook likes and a couple comments but I’d definitely be interested if he ever was but I don’t want to be insensitive if that’s just not something he’s ready for. Currently his Facebook posts are all about the things he’s doing with his teenage daughter.

Should I put any feelers out there or just leave it alone?

I made the mistake of hopping on an app. I haven’t done it for 2 years. I swore off the local singles events because of the bad ratios and product was below expectations (look, I’m not judging people for being 45+ average people, but if you have nasty feet and chose to wear flip flops and jeans to an upscale event in the Midwest in February, I’m judging. Carhartt hoodies at a lounge? High?). And the singles here are slim pickings IRL on both sides. There is no consistent place where this age range of people hang out. The apps seemed like the only option.

After 4 years out there, I am considering that the normal/average people are all just still married. 😂I know that means I’m not normal, and I am not. I am a higher earner, well-educated, own a home, have hobbies and a fulfilling life on my own. There is a little bit of a more challenging personality that goes with that. I’m not going to put myself down to make a man feel bigger. A dude said I was probably a man catfishing with my “house” and all. I think it was a joke, but the ongoing jokes and no questions to love the convo forward were exhausting. I get it that people are on there for an ego boost with no intention to date, but ain’t nobody got time for that! Especially people with long term relationships in their profile preferences. Why say that and bother to talk to me if you don’t like me? I’m not looking for a chat>date in 24 hours, but I would like to have someone actually be nice to me and not try to hurt my feelings. I’m not 10 years old, and I don’t think a boy who is mean to me because he likes me.

admittedly, I’m not a 100% expert on spotting ai, but i swear I’ve seen women using ai photos. theyre always too clear.

I'm curious what pushes a man from being with a woman casually to choosing her as a partner. Is it connection? Attraction? Timing?

how do I get a guy to ask me out in the

real world ? there a few good looking guys

at the gym i never talk to them. i do look to

see if there a ring on the guy hand now .