r/datingoverforty

42 M starting over after 12 years and that was someone I met online but I recognized from real life, so I'm not sure that I've ever dated online.

Now I'm facing a situation where I'm looking forward and wanting to build (with intentionality lol) a relationship but I'm obligated to care for a elderly loved one and it's a great honor and joy, but I don't see how that's gonna fly on a dating site.

I don't blame people for wanting to meet quickly and start their lives. How could you be? We're getting old. Lol. But I sure have stacked the deck against myself.

I made a post yesterday about attractiveness. Several people pointed out the fact that women over 40 are just not what men prefer, and that's just how nature works. Two examples:

What she's really asking is why a handsome high value man would not approach her. And the answer is - that men can get a girl of same or higher level of attraction, but also younger. Men are evolutionary programmed to be most attracted to young women at peak of their fertility. Doesn't mean they are inherently "better" or something is "wrong" with a lady in her 40s. It's just how it is. People want what people want.

Because, at an instinctual level, sex is about reproduction. So a “pretty” older woman is not appealing if our brain/body/instincts perceive her to infertile or inferior because of age. If you look at the 40+ adult site here on Reddit, most of the women have great bodies, but don’t show their face because that is where most people’s aging shows the worst.

This fact - how men want younger women - is frequently pointed out on other dating subs as well.  Complete with statistics to back it up.

As someone who was in multiple age-gap relationships/situationships (that men hoped would turn into a relationship) when I was in my 20s, I've never experienced that same level of raw enthusiasm and interest from men now that I'm older. 

The way those 40+ men would swarm around me at parties when I was in my 20s, all vying for my attention. How they tried to impress me! I remember an older man pulling off my shoe and pouring Champagne into it to drink. That's certainly not happening to me at parties now.

And I've observed this multiple times in the real world as well.  At events where there is a large mixed crowd of younger women with older men.  You can see it; you can almost smell it. It's palpable.   

Any woman who has been on dating apps has observed men lying about their age to try and bypass the filters and attract a younger demographic.  

So are women over 40 just fooling ourselves when we think about our desirability?  If a man over 40 could actually attract a woman in her 20s, that's what he would ideally prefer?

Are we fighting a losing battle against biology? That we're not what men actually want, but we are what they will settle for?   

Is this the harsh reality we just have to accept?

^((feeling inspired by the other post asking why no one answers shit on apps))

my question would be:

• on a scale of 1-10, 10 being badly, how badly do you want to get off this app already?

i would both ask and answer this.

You know how people advise you to ask something about their profile? nah, that shit often gets you the silent treatment.

If you're gonna reply to this post, please write an actual question.

I don’t think I’m ugly (at least I hope not 😅). I’m not a supermodel, but I’d say I’m decent-looking.
I’m on one (FB) dating app, but hardly any men message me. When they do, it’s usually just a “hi,” “hello,” or a simple nudge. I always reply with something friendly like, “Hey, how are you?” or a similar response.
Out of maybe 10 matches, only one will reply back, and even then it’s usually just, “I’m good, and you?” It feels more like a formality than an actual conversation starter. I’ll respond, but then the conversation dies right there.
Is this just the reality of online dating these days, or am I doing something wrong?
I’d love to hear if others are having the same experience.

In my (49F) dating experience I have found it extraordinarily difficult to find a man with what I would consider a decent amount of emotional intelligence. It’s to the point now where I’m just ready to settle so I can have all of the other good parts of a relationship. Is this insane? Are there women out there with long-term boyfriends or husbands who know what to say when you’re upset and you can vent to or do you just go to your friends for that stuff?

Hey folks,

I (54m) have a date tomorrow with a (49f) lady. 2nd date. She suggested going for a walk. I thought it was a great idea. We set up the time and meet up location. I get a separate text an hour later asking; “are you ok with dogs “ to which I was tempted to reply; “are you ok with kids “

She doesn’t have it listed on her profile and no pictures. She doesn’t have kids.
She never mentioned the dog on date one.

The last person I dated had a dog and it was basically like dating both of them. I loved the dog, he’s a great dog. It impacted all parts of our dating. I think dog owners know all of this so I’m not sure I need to list the restrictions. Walk morning, walk evenings, home after dinner to let out, reservation times need to take into account the dog, weekends have some sort of structure around the kids, take on local trips, bigger trips to Europe for 2 weeks difficult, dog in the room during sex, dog not in the room during sex and it’s scratching at door, dog sleeping in the bed. All of these things aren’t inherently bad. Owning a dog is a big responsibility.

I have 2 fully grown kids they are both off to school in the fall. I now have complete flexibility. She doesn’t have kids.

I am thinking of messaging her and saying I have no problem the dog coming on the walk however I know dogs are a long term responsibility and I am looking for something that will be less scheduled/rigid. Ok probably not that.

I suspect a dog owner would be happy with this reply as they would likely feel like they dodged a bullet. I suspect dog owners don’t see it this way. I suspect, like my past gf she say it as a major bonus to have a dog

This lady in messaging said- oh it’s so nice your kids are over it allows for so much more flexibility and went onto day that she doesn’t date people with kids that aren’t self sufficient which I know find super weird.

Honestly, I’m sure she could give 2 fucks given we have met once and messaged a bunch of times. Just don’t want to be a dick. Like her, I want more flexibility.

Also I feel like I’ve been dogfished

Update- I hadn’t replied to her message as I was sorting through these replies.

Hey, I know I just sort of sprung the dog on you. Our date time is when I normally walk him, so I am just trying to kill 2 birds with one stone. If you’re not ok with it I get it. I’m not trying to integrate my dog on date two, but he is the best! If you’re not good with it, I get it. I can try to get to him sooner to walk him or we can maybe reschedule.
Lmk C

I’m going to go. I left it pretty long and it’s 60 minutes of my life. If I’m not into it I can tell her I don’t feel a connection.
Leave the dog out of it.

Thanks for all the replies. Some were supportive, challenging and hilarious!

Elle McPerson hot, so DOF 😂

Based on the post I just saw here, I’m very curious if there’s a gender divide when it comes to being fine with dating a dog owner.

EDIT - The subject of the post is written from the perspective of people who think they are above dating problems because they are attractive. It's not about me, my relationships, or how I look.

Why do people over 40, who label themselves as attractive, think that dating should be easier for them?   

That because of their appearance (face/body type) they should be immune to the struggles of modern dating?

I see this frequently on here and also in real life. It's often some version of:

I've aged really well and I'm in great shape but men don't approach me.

I'm an 8/10 so why can't I find a partner?

I know I'm not ugly.  Why is dating so hard?

People always tell me how good looking I am so why aren't the apps working for me?

This post has nothing to do with me, my perceived level of attractiveness, or my dating success.  

It's just an observation.

I'm always amazed that at age 40 and above, people still think that their pretty privilege means that they shouldn't suffer from dating/relationship problems, just like their less attractive contemporaries do. 

This is a PSA to everyone over 40 who’s online dating. Please for the love of Pete only include hobbies that you actually do on a regular basis. Saying you ski or snowboard or cycle and do it less than once per year or haven’t done it in 20 years, doesn’t count, DONT INCLUDE IT. It’s so misleading.

I’m a very active person and exercise everyday and do a whole bunch of hobbies. So when a dating profile says “cycling” and you went once last year you do not cycle. You’ve been cycling once. See the difference?

This is more of a joke post than anything else but it’s wild what people say on their profiles only to realize that it’s mostly not true.

I’m a 44-year-old man living in a semi-rural area in a small city of about 40,000 people. Dating here is tough. There are single people, but the pool is pretty small.

About a year and a half ago, I ended a six year relationship. We were basically married, owned a house together, and had built a life. It didn’t work out, so we sold the house and went our separate ways. I saved a little of the money and moved into a small one-bedroom apartment near my job. My life feels much smaller now, but I’m doing okay and paying my bills.

I recently started dating again and met a woman who is very kind, warm, and thoughtful. Honestly, she may be one of the kindest people I’ve dated, but I don’t feel “wowed” by her. I like her, and I don’t have anything bad to say. I’m just not sure I feel that strong spark or desire.

So I’m wondering: at this age, what should I really be looking for?

Is attraction and that “wow” feeling still important, or should kindness, stability, and emotional safety matter more now? Is the idea of “finding the one” even real, or does love look different as we get older?

For those dating in your 40s and beyond, how did you know someone was right for you?

in all honesty, i wish i didnt date someone i liked and got so infatuated with. i wish we didnt end up kissing and have a lot of amazing fun dates. wtf.

cause that guy ghosted me and now im stunned but not questioning it. its just how it is and i must move on, pretend im a robot just following directives.

so ive had a couple of people ask me out during the past week and i agreed to all but im not planning to. the most closest 2 guys im texting are being somewhat consistent but im kinda not feeling it cause im comparing it to the last guy. i dont think anyone can even compete with him. im an idiot for even thinking it was going to work out.

We were married 20 years. We are parents, and amicably split. Been divorced a year separate a half year before the divorce. Why would she be mad? Is it narcissistic, some other disorder, or does she really still have feelings for me? She’s in a relationship and has been for 8 months. I don’t care what she does, why does she care what I do? I said I had feelings for this woman I saw that I haven’t felt in a long time.. which set her off. This divorce and dating are all uncharted territory for me.

Both divorced with kids. Dating for a couple years. GF is continuously having stress with ex-husband, stress on kids seeing her location at my house, fighting with her teens, and then which kid event I attend. Meaning will invite me to one and then not one, but in the same breath say I wish you were her. She does take meds for depression.

We have better communication than I ever had when married, better intimacy, and enjoy being around each other. We have discuss about trying to keep our stress seperate. Meaning mostly keep you ex-husband stress with you and my ex-wife stress with me as neither of us can change our ex's.

Advice area, Does ex-stress ever get better? I know the kid stress will change as kids mature.

I need help with dating after the trauma of being married for 20 years and finding out that my ex husband had been sleeping with men throughout our entire marriage and even before we got married.

I don't even know what I'm trying to type here today. I'm just so confused. Dating after this trauma is so hard. Dating as a 48 year old is hard. I have this Panic that I'm supposed to hurry up and figure this out because there's not a lot of time left but I also have a panic because my heart hasn't really been in it. I haven't even been sure what I was looking for in terms of a relationship. Long-term seemed scary. Casual seemed out of my character. I have a situationship that was supposed to be easy breezy because he lives two states away and we didn't see each other very much, but a year and a half later he is wanting it to be more serious than I am (he talks about moving here and getting a job here) I'm about to have to break it off.

Okay this is hard for me to type because I don't see myself this way, but I'm told that I am very attractive. When you have an ex husband that only slept with you maybe 50 times over the course of 20 years, you stop believing that about yourself. But my daughter is 20 and says that her friends make her uncomfortable with the things they say about me. My 15-year-old says the same thing. My brother-in-law tells me that I'm pretty. Not in a creepy way but in a you're going to be fine in the dating field way. My friends tell me I'm cute. So I think I might be attractive to straight men.

I've been on a few bumble dates. None of them have been good.

A few weeks ago my ex-boyfriend from college reappeared on the scene. And his arrival has had me thinking about whether or not I want to be with someone long-term. I think maybe I do. Not necessarily him- I haven't figured that part out yet, it's just the first time I've been confronted with someone from the very beginning of us hanging out that is really looking for something. It was easy to date when it was casual. But I don't want to waste this man's time if that's not what I'm interested in so I've been really trying to figure out what my end goal is. I think I'm slowly getting comfortable with allowing myself to admit that I don't want to be alone and that that means that I do want something long-term. But that means trusting somebody to not hurt me. I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea of trusting someone to not screw up my life again. I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea that someone would be completely truthful.

After spending a ton of time together when he was in town visiting for work, my ex from 25 years ago is putting on the full court press. This man likes me and I am panicking because I can't figure out why he likes me. And it's not like he doesn't have a million options at home. All of my friends from college still live where he lives and he is at the top of the list of people that single women are wanting to date. Why is he so interested in me when we just had dinner (that lasted until 230 AM) and brunch (that lasted until 4PM) together? What could he possibly like about me? My ex really did a number on my self confidence. I even asked this man why he likes me. How pathetic is that .i said why are you so interested in me? He said that he loves talking to me and always loved me in college and that it was just not the right time for us. But it's been 25 years and I'm a whole new person. My therapist says that at our age people just don't play games anymore. If they like somebody, they move on it. But how does he know he likes me? We didn't kiss. We just talked. I dropped him off at the airport he said, it's been 25 years since I've seen you and I don't want to go 25 days before seeing you again. My eyes grew as big as saucers, but he has already booked a flight to come back and see me. this guy definitely wants something with someone. And for now it appears he's interested in figuring out if that someone is me.

What if he's gay.

I have Point Blank told him I could not survive going through it again. And he is doing what I would assume would be the typical straight male thing of "oh my God I could never be gay. Ewww gross. Oh my God what's wrong with people." Super grossed out by gay. All that stuff. We talk a lot on the phone and he has gotten to the point of discussing wanting to be physical with me. And my traumatized brain is saying, yeah. That is totally what a gay man would say to try and convince me he's straight. (Also, when you've been married to someone who tells you their stomach hurts or they are sleepy every time they look at you in lingerie, hearing a man say he wants to rip your clothes off feels made up. Do men really say things like that? Do they actually really want to rip your clothes off?.)

Not only is he going to the expense of flying here just to see me, he's made all kinds of arrangements like dinner and taking me to a comedian. He's booked a hotel room. My ex never made plans for anything. And every date we went on for 25 years he would say, whose card is this on tonight? Yours or mine?..

Are people this interested this fast? My girlfriend who just got remarried said that they are. That men just lay all their cards on the table if they like somebody now. My ex-boyfriend said, I just don't play games anymore. If I like somebody I tell them. I like you. I want to hang out with you. But I'm over here going, why? Are you just saying that because you're gay and you know I was fooled once so maybe I'll get fooled again?

What is normal? I don't want to not give this man a chance if this is how dating is in your late 40s. I think it would be hard enough to figure out how to date in your 40s, but I'm trying to figure out how to date in my 40s when I wasn't even in a normal situation for 20 years. I don't even know what normal heterosexual men do. It appears that they take you out for dinner and pay for it.

Okay and here's the next part. He's asked me to go away with him to his beach house a few times but I'm just not ready for that. He's booked this hotel here in town and I know he's going to be hopeful that we spend some time in there given the things he has said to me. Y'all. I was married to a gay man for 20 years. I really am not lying when I tell you that I only had sex with him 50 times in that 20-year span. I've had this situation ship for the past year and a half but he's a 55-year-old man and things have not always functioned as they are supposed to so that interaction has been lacking in a lot of ways. I am 48 years old. I am absolutely terrified that he or any man is going to expect me to show up with experience and knowledge that a 48-year-old woman should have and I don't have that. What if I don't know what I'm doing. Because I don't.

This is all just awful and it's really the part that I hate my ex-husband for more than the fact that he lied about being gay. This is a lot to work through.

I am 45 M in a dead end job seeking a mentally stable lady for codependency, tepid sex and shouting matches. I have a secret obsession with going out to public places just so I can listen to people gossip. I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by memorizing useless statistics and secretly laughing at my own mean spirited agenda driven jokes. Friends describe me as ‘surprisingly opinionated for someone this uninformed."

You : You are a bitter mess with misplaced sense of entitlement and utopic expectations. Over time you will blame me and grow hostile when I don't fulfill every need you've ever had. Bonus points if you have just finished dating every guy in town and want to take it slow with me. My perfect night would include getting wasted in a crappy bar while you flirt with men with potbellys followed by a loud screening match in the parking lot. I will be open to an unsatisfying fling but would prefer a long term, soul crushing descent into booze and drugs.

Your age is unimportant but I am often condescending to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with anyone over 45. Serious replies only please.

I’m absolutely sex positive and believe that polycules or thrupples (not entirely sure if I spelled that correctly) are 100% fine and a valid relationship style (given that everyone is honest and all parties are consenting). I, however am more traditional in the sense that I prefer to have a monogamous relationship. I have tried being in an open relationship. A healthy one that had open communication and respect for each other’s boundaries and opinions, but in the end, I felt like it wasn’t my cup of tea. I felt like I was completely happy being with just my partner and didn’t feel the need or desire to find out what being with someone else would be like, both emotionally and physically. So in the end I expressed my feelings about the fact that at first I thought it wouldn’t bother me to be in an open relationship, but that as time went on, I increasingly realized that I wanted more attention than I felt they were willing to give to me.

I could tell that my wanting to end the relationship wasn’t the outcome that they wanted, but they understood why I felt the way I did. We are still close friends and I don’t regret being in a relationship with them at all. In fact, I think it helped me understand better what I valued in my relationships the most and more importantly, helped me discover new boundaries that I’m comfortable setting.

I guess my biggest challenge now is feeling like the population of monogamous single people is becoming increasingly smaller. Is there anyone else from the area that has noticed similar trends in the dating scene?

Hi! I have always been a very positive person. I believe finding partnership for people who know themselves, who have standards, and who take their time — takes time, and it's very normal that 99.9% if the population is not meant to live life with you.

I became single at 36 1/2. I was sure I'd meet someone new once I'd healed and truly moved on. I expected my ex to as well. It was amicable. We're both smart, kind, successful, 8/10 in looks, good folks. No kids or intertwined assets.

For the past 3 years, now single almost 5 years, I have been dating with the intention of partnership. I rely mostly on dating apps but have kept myself open in public and done okay there.

What I have found: Dating ages 38-50. I am 41.

• I get a lot of attention but no follow through.
• Men who are very into me initially. Sometimes plan a whole second date and then ghost. They tell me I'm pretty, they walk me to my car, kiss me, text me excited after.
• Men who have decided they have X capacity [almost none due to kids, etc.] or dating/partnership is not a priority at the time, even at 45-50.
• Men who have written off dating again but will pursue me because of course they still like companionship and sex sometimes. I find out later of course. These men mean it too. They don't go on to date anyone else.
• A date that felt really positive to me and like a good foundation for a second date, but no contact after. Sometimes I feel people expect explosion of chemistry or they don't move forward. Healthy crushes build over time IMO. 2-3 dates then decide.
• I had one 4 month relationship with a man who broke up with me just after I met his family, which he asked me intently to do multiple times. He said they loved me. I loved them. He later told me his therapist said he was a classic Dismissive Avoidant thus why he'd never had a longterm relationship over 1 year.

I get that no one is having a great time on the apps, but I have recently been sitting with a very deep grief. I think of it when I wake up and realize I miss human touch. That it's been five years. 60+ dates. I work on myself daily. Always have. But in a chill way ;)

I feel certain there's something about me or my age that means there's no guarantee I'll meet someone again. I have never carried a feeling like this.

How do you mentally repair yourself after 3 years of constant confusion and let down?

Thanks,

Danielle

I see the same things on like 90% of women’s profiles. They go hiking and love ‘live music.’… ok, but how many concerts or ‘live music’ does one actually go to?

I've seen this a fair amount on the apps from women and I'm not sure exactly what's meant by it. I get that you want a man who's able to be masculine, but even that term seems subjective now. For a long time we've been talking about "toxic masculinity" but no one's been defining what the non-toxic version is.

So for the ladies who use this phrasing what do you mean by it?

Male, 40 yr., heterosexual I'm going to try to start meeting women again as I haven't even bothered to try for personal reasons so I was wondering where I should start.

I was thinking of trying Match, OkCupid, eHarmony, Coffee Meets Bagel, Hinge or Bumble. Not all 6, maybe 3 out of 6.

Any suggestions on what dating app is the least rigged and has a good success rate?

Any other suggestions on how/where to meet women?

Stats: No children, never married. Live near a city (about 15 miles away).