For those of us over 40, when did “chemistry” stop being enough for you?
I’m approaching 46, single, no children, and I’ve been thinking about how dramatically my definition of attraction has changed as I’ve gotten older.
When I was younger, chemistry could carry most of the weight. Someone could be exciting, funny, attractive, fascinating and my imagination would fill in the remaining 70% with optimism.
Now I find myself wanting something that is simultaneously less exciting on paper and much more meaningful in reality.
I want the person who calls because something ridiculous happened and I’m the person they want to tell. Someone who can disagree with me without turning disagreement into combat. Someone curious enough to ask questions and actually listen to the answers. Someone whose presence makes ordinary life better rather than someone I need ordinary life to recover from.
And strangely, I don’t think that means I want less chemistry. I think my definition of chemistry has changed.
Emotional safety is attractive to me now. Intelligence is attractive. Curiosity is attractive. Consistency is extremely attractive. Being able to laugh together when everything has gone completely sideways might be one of the sexiest qualities imaginable.
Maybe this is one of the stranger parts of dating in your 40s, you’re not simply looking for someone you’re attracted to anymore. You’re looking at another fully formed human being and quietly wondering, what are two lives actually feel good together?
So I’m curious, particularly from the men here because I don’t hear this discussed from the male perspective nearly as often:
What became attractive to you after 40 that you genuinely didn’t understand or value when you were younger?
And has that changed the kind of woman you find yourself wanting a relationship with?