I was married to a closeted man for 20 years and I don't know how to date now.
I need help with dating after the trauma of being married for 20 years and finding out that my ex husband had been sleeping with men throughout our entire marriage and even before we got married.
I don't even know what I'm trying to type here today. I'm just so confused. Dating after this trauma is so hard. Dating as a 48 year old is hard. I have this Panic that I'm supposed to hurry up and figure this out because there's not a lot of time left but I also have a panic because my heart hasn't really been in it. I haven't even been sure what I was looking for in terms of a relationship. Long-term seemed scary. Casual seemed out of my character. I have a situationship that was supposed to be easy breezy because he lives two states away and we didn't see each other very much, but a year and a half later he is wanting it to be more serious than I am (he talks about moving here and getting a job here) I'm about to have to break it off.
Okay this is hard for me to type because I don't see myself this way, but I'm told that I am very attractive. When you have an ex husband that only slept with you maybe 50 times over the course of 20 years, you stop believing that about yourself. But my daughter is 20 and says that her friends make her uncomfortable with the things they say about me. My 15-year-old says the same thing. My brother-in-law tells me that I'm pretty. Not in a creepy way but in a you're going to be fine in the dating field way. My friends tell me I'm cute. So I think I might be attractive to straight men.
I've been on a few bumble dates. None of them have been good.
A few weeks ago my ex-boyfriend from college reappeared on the scene. And his arrival has had me thinking about whether or not I want to be with someone long-term. I think maybe I do. Not necessarily him- I haven't figured that part out yet, it's just the first time I've been confronted with someone from the very beginning of us hanging out that is really looking for something. It was easy to date when it was casual. But I don't want to waste this man's time if that's not what I'm interested in so I've been really trying to figure out what my end goal is. I think I'm slowly getting comfortable with allowing myself to admit that I don't want to be alone and that that means that I do want something long-term. But that means trusting somebody to not hurt me. I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea of trusting someone to not screw up my life again. I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea that someone would be completely truthful.
After spending a ton of time together when he was in town visiting for work, my ex from 25 years ago is putting on the full court press. This man likes me and I am panicking because I can't figure out why he likes me. And it's not like he doesn't have a million options at home. All of my friends from college still live where he lives and he is at the top of the list of people that single women are wanting to date. Why is he so interested in me when we just had dinner (that lasted until 230 AM) and brunch (that lasted until 4PM) together? What could he possibly like about me? My ex really did a number on my self confidence. I even asked this man why he likes me. How pathetic is that .i said why are you so interested in me? He said that he loves talking to me and always loved me in college and that it was just not the right time for us. But it's been 25 years and I'm a whole new person. My therapist says that at our age people just don't play games anymore. If they like somebody, they move on it. But how does he know he likes me? We didn't kiss. We just talked. I dropped him off at the airport he said, it's been 25 years since I've seen you and I don't want to go 25 days before seeing you again. My eyes grew as big as saucers, but he has already booked a flight to come back and see me. this guy definitely wants something with someone. And for now it appears he's interested in figuring out if that someone is me.
What if he's gay.
I have Point Blank told him I could not survive going through it again. And he is doing what I would assume would be the typical straight male thing of "oh my God I could never be gay. Ewww gross. Oh my God what's wrong with people." Super grossed out by gay. All that stuff. We talk a lot on the phone and he has gotten to the point of discussing wanting to be physical with me. And my traumatized brain is saying, yeah. That is totally what a gay man would say to try and convince me he's straight. (Also, when you've been married to someone who tells you their stomach hurts or they are sleepy every time they look at you in lingerie, hearing a man say he wants to rip your clothes off feels made up. Do men really say things like that? Do they actually really want to rip your clothes off?.)
Not only is he going to the expense of flying here just to see me, he's made all kinds of arrangements like dinner and taking me to a comedian. He's booked a hotel room. My ex never made plans for anything. And every date we went on for 25 years he would say, whose card is this on tonight? Yours or mine?..
Are people this interested this fast? My girlfriend who just got remarried said that they are. That men just lay all their cards on the table if they like somebody now. My ex-boyfriend said, I just don't play games anymore. If I like somebody I tell them. I like you. I want to hang out with you. But I'm over here going, why? Are you just saying that because you're gay and you know I was fooled once so maybe I'll get fooled again?
What is normal? I don't want to not give this man a chance if this is how dating is in your late 40s. I think it would be hard enough to figure out how to date in your 40s, but I'm trying to figure out how to date in my 40s when I wasn't even in a normal situation for 20 years. I don't even know what normal heterosexual men do. It appears that they take you out for dinner and pay for it.
Okay and here's the next part. He's asked me to go away with him to his beach house a few times but I'm just not ready for that. He's booked this hotel here in town and I know he's going to be hopeful that we spend some time in there given the things he has said to me. Y'all. I was married to a gay man for 20 years. I really am not lying when I tell you that I only had sex with him 50 times in that 20-year span. I've had this situation ship for the past year and a half but he's a 55-year-old man and things have not always functioned as they are supposed to so that interaction has been lacking in a lot of ways. I am 48 years old. I am absolutely terrified that he or any man is going to expect me to show up with experience and knowledge that a 48-year-old woman should have and I don't have that. What if I don't know what I'm doing. Because I don't.
This is all just awful and it's really the part that I hate my ex-husband for more than the fact that he lied about being gay. This is a lot to work through.