u/Specialist_Issue_214

I know we're supposed to be positive about dating here, but I'm getting really discouraged and could use support or a reality check or something.

I get matches, I go on dates, sometimes multiple dates with someone, but nothing ever goes anywhere and it's starting to get to me.

I'm 46M, I've been married twice and have a child from each marriage. There's nothing exciting or scandalous about either divorce, we just didn't work out for various reasons and co-parenting is smooth and everyone gets along fine.

I have my shit together, good job, friends, introverted, but kind and honorable with a subtle witty sense of humor. But...nothing, no progress. I feel like my past, my situation, makes me kind of 'bottom of the barrel' and I'm getting passed over for people with less baggage.

I don't know, that's all I guess. Just venting. I feel like I'm a decent looking guy with a pleasant mellow personality and it just doesn't make a difference.

Anyone else in my situation feeling hopeless? How do you keep your chin up?

I (46M) matched with a woman (40) on Hinge. We chatted in the app, then via text, then talked on the phone, then video chatted, then went on our first date. Everything was great throughout each of those steps. The evening after our first date she sexted me. We did not have sex on our first date, but we did make out. I'm not usually into sexting, but I was like sure why not and had fun with it.

​

So then a few days later we had our second date, which again went great. We went back to my place and got physical. I have to be a little graphic here because it might be important. So, I was going slow with her, we had moved past foreplay and I was using my mouth and fingers on her. I'm decent at that and she was enjoying it. We were on the couch and I said let's move to the bed.

​

So we kept going and when things shifted to penetration, or rather just before, I saw a big change in her body language. She literally turned on her side and just shut down. I was like whoa, what's happening, are you okay? Do we need to stop? And she said yeah we need to stop.

​

I was shocked and concerned, so I laid down with her and just tried to be calm and comforting, non-sexual touches, an arm around her, that kind of thing.

​

I asked her what was going on and she said she struggles with intimacy and that she's in therapy for it. She also said that she hasn't had sex in a while, but that she's had lots of sex. I made a joke and said oh, you must really like me, it short-circuited your brain. She laughed and it made things less tense, but she said she didn't honestly know what happened and that it's never happened like that before.

​

She went home. She texted the next morning and asked if I was okay. I told her the truth, that I was confused, hurt, rattled, concerned for her...a whole jumble of emotions. I asked how she was doing and we had an open conversation throughout the day via text that shifted between serious topics and our usual silly banter.

​

I know she's talking to multiple guys, I know she has a date Sunday. I don't like this. I'm not wired for this. I was married for 10 years and I don't understand the modern dating world, nor do I care to. I told her all this.

​

I like her a lot, and I date with intention. I laid it out early in the day. I'm not upset or angry about the sexual shutdown, shit happens, brains are complicated. I want to be there to help her with what she's working through. But I'm not interested in being on anyone's roster. I want to see where things go with her, not compete with who knows how many other men. I said build something with me, just me, or let me go. The connection is there, the potential is there, but if you don't pick someone you'll just be stuck in this loop of endless dating and meaningless sex. She said you're a catch. I said if that's how you feel then catch me, I'm right here.

​

She said it's a lot to process. That was her response. I figured that's a shut down, a rejection. Fine, not the answer I was hoping for, but better then ambiguity and uncertainty.

​

I said I understand, made a light-hearted joke to ease the tension and told her I'm giving her space, that I know it's a lot to think about, but I'm here.

​

I was prepared for that to be the end of our connection. But, she kept texting me all day, deep stuff, silly stuff, our usual banter.

​

I don't know what this means. I don't understand any of this. I'm trying to strike a balance between making it clear I want to be her partner, while also being cognizant of the fact that something big happened to her when she shut down during sex. I think I'm the solution. She has to trust someone and open herself up. I can be that person, I want to be that person. She knows this, but the ball is in her court. Only she can decide what she wants.

​

As far as I know she's still going on that date Sunday. If I'm honest with myself that's my boundary. I offered partnership and told her I'm not comfortable with the idea of dating multiple people. I don't want to keep dating around, I want her.

​

But, if that boundary is crossed I have to treat that as a rejection and break the connection or I'm not respecting myself. You can agree or disagree with that boundary, that's fine, but I get to decide what my boundaries are, nobody else.

​

So yeah...I have no idea what the fuck is happening and I'm so not wired for whatever the hell this is *gestures vaguely at the modern dating world*.

​

Help?

​