u/dianaprince76

Please see my original post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/s/W6CLqCaif5

So I never heard back from him. It is so stunning to me that someone could be so caring and loving for so long and then just shut me out entirely. But I really appreciate everyone’s feedback on the situation because I hadn’t really realized that him deciding to go to the concert was really selfish. I’d have stayed with him, but I just felt like I’m a bit weird in that way. You all have thankfully shown me otherwise.

I also know that it is him, and not me. My best friend is actually a therapist, and I didn’t wanna bring this to her because I hate asking for free therapy lol, but in talking to her, she pointed out that his response was absolutely a trauma response. He came from a marriage where he was the victim of domestic violence to the point where she got arrested and convicted. He previously told me that he felt trapped in his marriage. So I can see why he behaved that way, but what the hell are you doing looking for a long-term relationship when you are not healed? What I do know is that a year from now I am likely to be far happier and more content in my life than he is. I don’t do drama and while I am an extraordinarily patient person, I have zero tolerance for that kind of bullshit in my life. I am too secure and value my peace too much for that.

I will use this experience though. I had never thought to ask if he had done therapy or anything to heal after his marriage. I also didn’t ask why him and his last girlfriend broke up. Those two things won’t happen again.

Anyway, I heard from a former FWB who is long distance last night for the first time in a few months. He had backed off when I told him that my boyfriend and I were exclusive. So looks like I might have some fun in my future after all! As they say, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else haha.

Thanks again for all the help!

I metthe most wonderful man on Bumble in March. We started with a couple dates a week and it ended up being that we were spending every weekend together and at least one night during the week. We went away three times for weekends at his friends house, we went away for other weekends together, we spent time with his friends, I met his mom, the whole 9 yards. He even was saying things like how we can have a summer house where we live in a winter home somewhere hot when we retire in 5 to 7 years. It was so happy and peaceful, and there was no tension no friction nothing. He told me how much he loves spending time with me, and he was so happy to be able to wake up with me.

Last week we went to a concert, and before it started, I got heat stroke, hallucinated, said I loved him and then vomited and fainted. When I said, I loved him, he said he needed time to process it. Not my finest moment, but it was indeed a medical emergency and I had had only one drink. Spent the whole concert in the hospital tent. When he picked me up at the end of the show, his vibe was off, but I figured I would address it the next time we saw each other.

We were supposed to have gone away last weekend to one of his friends cottages. We were to have left on Friday but Thursday he told me that the wife was sick and so the trip was off, but he still had to help with the boat so he had to head up. Then through the weekend he let me know that he forgot his phone cord so he couldn’t charge his phone, and that there was a power failure, etc., etc.

Finally, Tuesday, I asked him if he wanted to come over for his regular Wednesday evening, dinner and sleepover. He said he had some things going on in his head but he would call on Wednesday. He didn’t, he didn’t get home before my bedtime or so he said. He said he would call me Thursday and he did. When we spoke, he told me that he freaked out, and that it was a lot of pressure. I do not understand this because nothing about our relationship has actually changed. Having feelings does not mean having expectations. I am extremely happy with my life. I do not want any change. I am not going to ask him to move in with me or get married or anything like that anytime in the near future. I’m happy just being chill as we are. On the phone, he sounded OK and asked me if I wanted to hang out today. We said we would coordinate yesterday, but then I never heard from him. And he he’s not contacted me today.

This guy is a great guy. I’m not looking to get married or settle down or anything like that, and with the amount of time we were spending together, I do not understand how he would not think I would have feelings for him.

I’d appreciate any advice. I’ve dealt with avoidant men before, and I think the best strategy may be to just leave him alone and if he comes back then fine. But do I send a last text telling him that there is no pressure and that my door is always open?

ETA he was the one that was driving how frequently we would hang out and when. I was really chill and had no expectation in terms of time commitments. I really respect that he has friends and I want him to see them and I want to see my friends too and keep my life intact. So what’s up?

ETA 2: I did tell him to go to the concert. There was no point in him missing it imo. He put his phone number on a Band-Aid and stuck it to the back of my phone in case the doctors needed to call him, and sent me a text, saying to text him when I woke up, which I did. He came for me promptly.

ETA 3 sorry to clarify, I meant the friend’s wife was ill so she left the cottage so it turned into a guys’ weekend doing the chores there