AITAH for refusing to apologize to my sister after a physical fight?
A couple of weeks ago my mom, sister (25F), best friend, partner, and I (20F) all went out to paint pottery so we can all spend time together and a chance for everyone to interact with my partner more (we met in college and this is our first summer together). During the activity my mother asked my partner and I are we “excited to be going back to school?” We both responded that we’re excited to be back in our groove again since we don’t go to a conventional university. After that, my sister responded with “of course she’s ready to go back she’s been trying to run this house since she got back.” Naturally we started going back and fourth at each other and my main reasoning is that my house can tend to be disorganized, and she doesn’t maintain the bathroom very well— so yes, when I came home I complained about the bathroom looking poorly maintained, her room being a hot mess, and I also fixed our dishes situation as the clean dishes would just pile up on the other side of the sink because we didn’t have a rack. The rest of the time painting I tried my best to hold my tongue because everything I said had to have a comment that caused me to get more upset.
I ended up crying the whole way home to my partner (we all drove separately). I told him I was sorry if my tone wasn’t the most uplifting and that I felt embarrassed because in my head I thought I was changing my tone but my mother and sister kept commenting on everything— he understood, accepted my apology but also said he felt a little embarrassed too but that he knows those weren’t my intentions which is why he commented “it’s okay she’s not usually like this, she just needs some grace.” After apologizing I was telling him how frustrating it is to not even be able to say I’m excited to go back to campus, let alone hello without being accused of having an attitude— all my sister has had to say this summer is that “I have an attitude problem” or that “I’m being rude” but if yall could’ve caught a glimpse of the times she’s talked to me you would know it’s only a reaction. There’s no way to describe how disrespectful she is to me— when I was doing summer classes and she was trying to talk to me but I was studying it turned into this big deal so I would leave my kitchen table before anyone would get home. On the car ride I was also explaining how exhausting it is to constantly be called a name and how eventually you just end up turing into what people call you. I’m tired of coming home from college and going back to my old ways of being angry about everything and I’ve tried so hard to protect my peace but I finally snapped (I’ll get to that shortly).
We took the long way home so I could try my best to gather myself and my parter poured positive thoughts into me. Once we got back, we changed into PJs and we were getting prepared to heat up food for my partner. Before getting to the food my mom came into my room trying to get answers about what’s wrong because my face was obviously puffy from crying— I kept saying it was nothing but caved a little and said yall are annoying can you leave me alone, then went to heat up the food— my mom follows us back to the kitchen and sits with my sister at the table proceeding to instigate telling my sister “she thinks we were being assholes” chuckling. My sister goes crazy and starts yelling asking what’s my problem and why am I crying— I proceed to say I have no problem and that I’m not crying (technically I wasn’t actively crying lol)— she keeps pushing saying you obviously have a problem and that she’s sick of it and “now I’m pissing her off after a good day”— I just say okay and ignore her at this point because I’m not interested in talking to someone who can’t control themselves. We finish eating and go to brush our teeth then my partner helps take out the trash and move furniture so our maintenance man can come while I prepare our bed for the night— next thing you know my sister is coming back into my room trying to force me to talk to her but in order to not snap I stay quiet, continue cleaning and say “I don’t have a problem” “I’m not crying” “I’m not talking to you right now” “you raising your voice isn’t going to get you a conversation.”— well to try and get myself out of the room I go to fill up my water bottle and she keeps trying to block me, so I try my best to squeeze my her and I do use my body to move her but not enough to break her balance, but I was saying excuse me and she wasn’t moving— when I try to sneak past her she shoves me into the bathroom door and I absolutely lose my $h!t. I’m hitting her, moving her head to bang on the wall and kneeing her— idk what happens to me but all ik is that my brain and body wanted to do whatever it could to hurt her. I was done. My whole life I’ve been walked all over, and there’s been multiple times this summer where she’d use her 2 fingers and shove my head and I kept my composure but idk what happened but I lost it— my mom tried to split us up bc her and my partner went to take things outside, however little bit later my sister came storming back into my room while my mom was talking to me saying “you’re lucky I don’t slap you in the face right now” and that made me lose it more so I stepped up to her with a can in my hand saying “B!t€h I wish you would” and she stepped back looking scared so for a moment I felt bad. I felt bad but I was still able to sleep very well at night.
The next day I had contemplated apologizing that morning on the way to an appointment talking to my partner. After the appointment, my partner wanted to treat me to Starbucks but he’d also feel bad if we went home with nothing for everyone else so I texted in the gc with my mom and sister if they wanted anything. My mom responded immediately so we got it for her, but when we went to drop it off to her job we had realized that my sister responded when it was too late— however my mother urged me to put in a mobile order for my sister since she was already upset and reluctantly I did (we have to walk in eggshells for her). Idk what she was thinking the hours after but she sent a text saying something along the lines of “if I think getting Starbucks is an apology I better think again. And that I reminded her of our father and basically saying once things aren’t good don’t come crying back to my family” or whatever. That irritated me because 1) it wasn’t my idea for Starbucks 2) I didn’t even want to ask her in the first place, I didn’t think she deserved it but my partner is kind enough to still want to include everyone which I do appreciate the consideration— I went back and fourth trying to figure out if I wanted to respond but I didn’t because no matter what I would say it wouldn’t please her. I talk to my partner about it but I didn’t want one bad moment to ruin a good day, we went to go swim in the aquarium fish tank and feed stingrays!
So whatever it’s been a few days and I’m still kinda just ignoring her and trying to think about what is best. I go drop my partner off at the airport and again she’s still very upset telling everyone we’re pissing her off. Idk when I found out but it was 3-5days after this argument I find out she took me off her her find my iPhone and also removed me from viewing her location, and sending my mom a text saying something like I’m the one in the wrong and that she doesn’t care she’ll cut us all off or something (this girl can’t live without my mom though lmao)— I thought that was completely childish and lost any bit of sorry I had in me. I think that we’re adults and we can handle things like adults. So after all that, I don’t feel bad and I think she did deserve to be hit because she thinks she’s untouchable. Now I can admit violence is wrong and that I should’ve held my temper better but I’m so exhausted with always having to be the bigger person.
Now we’re at a point that my mom keeps telling me to say I’m sorry for literally anything so she’s not so angry anymore. My mom keeps defending her saying “she was PMSing and had her period” and “you know how she is she’s more sensitive.”
I know I’m not perfect, I lost my temper, and I do react poorly to how I get treated but am I really the asshole for not wanting to apologize my sister? I genuinely don’t think that anyone deserves anything. My mom wants me to do it so my sister can be at peace with me leaving back to college but I am at peace with myself. And yes, I know she’s my sister but I don’t think you have to tolerate any kind of disrespect from anyone, I’ve been treating and talking to her exactly how she talks to me but she’s the one that goes to my mom saying I have an attitude and every time I say “I know I have an attitude with her I’m talking to her the way she’s been talking to me” but over and over my mom makes excuses for her because “she’s the baby of the house”, “she’s sensitive”, “you know how she is just apologize”.