Reddit; I need advice. Long term lurker, first time poster.
I broke up with my ex almost a year ago now. We were together over 5 years and I was so adamant we were going to be together forever. He was in grad school, and finishing up his final year when we split. That final year was pretty rough. I spent most of my time mothering him when we didn’t live together, picking up and handling his emotions for him because he couldn’t see how stressed/depressed he was. He wasn’t showing up for himself and I spent so much of my energy showing up for him constantly that I absolutely lost myself. In the last 6 months, we were starting to think about moving in together when I realised I was intensely unhappy and things needed to change. I asked him to show up for me, communicate with me, and he just couldn’t meet me where I needed him to. There are so many other little things that contributed to it, but I eventually realised I’d given up so much of myself to keep the peace (boundaries, hobbies, etc) and he was asking me to give up my whole social circle/job and that I had to leave. We ended things amicably, telling each other that we loved and cared for one another and that MAYBE we could revisit when the time was right, but that we wanted to be friends when the time was right.
After the split, we saw each other occasionally in the first 6 months. Every time we left I felt this overwhelming urge to be affectionate and tell him everything and I realised I was still not over him and made a pact with myself to not agree to see him again until I was fully over our romantic connection.
So 4 months go by, no contact. I feel great. I’m choosing myself, nurturing my friendships, working out my next steps, all positive. I realise I’m not thinking about him for the first time in a while. Then one day I see he’s made an Insta account for a passion project. I’m curious, so I look. Account has two followers; him and a girl. An intense OCD spiral of “he’s moved on” begins. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I’m right back in the break up all over again. I know I’m overreacting but I just cannot shake this feeling. (Worst part is I am a very rational thinker and can see what my anxiety/OCD is doing to me, but can’t stop those feelings). I then stupidly reach out to see how he is and he responds nicely but conversation dies off after a couple of messages.
And now I’m just stuck in the weird limbo of “what the fuck” where I want to talk to him about everything going on. I don’t think I want him back (not unless there’s been significant growth, and even then, I’m not sure). I’ve been checking his instagram religiously (he doesn’t post) looking for some sign of him moving on (there won’t be one). Any advice on what to do? I’ve been pushing myself to book in plans to refocus on what I’m building without him, but I just feel this intense need to go back and beg him to forgive me/take me back. I don’t want to interrupt either of our healing journeys by bothering him, but all I want to do is tell him how I feel.