FA dating FA
I think my ex is a fearful avoidant and I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore (for context I’m an FA as well leaning more anxious in this dynamic)
This is long, but I really need perspectives from people who are FAs themselves or who deeply understand this attachment style, because this relationship has honestly been the most emotionally confusing and painful experience of my life.
I’m a very emotionally expressive person. I love deeply, communicate openly, care a lot, and naturally pour into the people I love. My ex is the complete opposite emotionally — very guarded, emotionally avoidant, struggles to express feelings verbally, very independent, very “I shouldn’t have to say it, it should just be understood” type of person.
Despite that, our connection was VERY real. In person, it was honestly beautiful. We traveled together, I lived with him for few weeks when I was in his city (Southeast Asia) shared deep moments, he slowly let me into his life, introduced me to friends, opened up about his struggles, insecurities, mental health, self-worth issues, etc. At one point after I helped him during a difficult situation, he fully opened up and without talking to me announced we are dating to his entire friend group while we all had dinner (I was happy but wish we talked about it first).
But throughout the relationship there was always this push-pull dynamic:
- periods of closeness and warmth
- then emotional distance (but we still met each other every day)
- disappearing for some hours
- withdrawal and saying he doesn’t want a relationship, he just likes it as it is
- avoidance whenever things became emotionally intense (especially if we have a great evening or deep conversations - he always say he appreciates these so much and feels good when we talk deeply but then withdraws the next day)
- we had sex the first time we met and then we didn’t anymore, he said he needs time to get comfortable, that a hook up was easy but now he cares and it’s harder
He also has a very avoidant communication style:
- very bad texter
- inconsistent engagement
- struggles with emotional conversations
- indirect communication through songs/stories/posts instead of directly talking
Eventually things collapsed. He broke up with me over a conversation where I called him my boyfriend - I was 3 weeks back in London and things until then were great (though honestly it never fully felt emotionally finished). Since then, the dynamic has been driving me insane psychologically.
For the past 2 months:
- he watches my stories intensely for a few days, then disappears for 1-2 weeks
- sometimes likes reposts that clearly relate to us or sends me personal reels
- sometimes avoids watching my stories completely to weeks (I suspect muting/unmuting me to self-regulate)
- occasionally replies warmly when I reach out
- but NEVER sustains consistent closeness or communication
Meanwhile he’s also acting very single online:
- liking attractive guys’ photos
- adding new people
- being active on Grindr
etc.
That combination has absolutely destroyed my nervous system because it feels like:
“you still emotionally orbit me, but you also keep me at arm’s length while acting fully single.”
At first I tried to understand and accommodate everything because I genuinely believed he was fearful avoidant and emotionally overwhelmed rather than uncaring. But after months of this dynamic, I started realizing:
even if he DOES care deeply, I don’t know if I can emotionally survive this kind of inconsistency anymore. It hurts sooooo much
Recently we finally had a normal/light conversation again after almost a month of barely talking (last we talked, we were having a great connection again talking everyday and the his phone got stolen, he still managed to login on insta and update me - the disappeared and once he got a new phone he just never texted me or engaged wit me anymore). It actually felt warm and easy again, which reminded me why I fell for him in the first place (he never reaches out directly, only maybe sends a reel or seething, but I hold the conversations - again, he is very very very bad texted and he has said that to me always)
Now here’s the part I need opinions on:
Before we officially dated, we had planned for him to visit me in London around May/June. I ended up inviting him again yesterday when we started chatting again I told him:
- I’d help with the ticket like originally promised
- he has a place to stay
- no pressure/expectations
- I just think we’d genuinely have a lovely time together and make good memories
I genuinely do NOT think I want the old relationship dynamic back anymore. I love him deeply, but I don’t want to live inside this push-pull emotional instability forever.
At the same time:
- I still care about him a lot
- our in-person connection was always much better than texting
- I value the bond we had
- part of me feels reconnecting in a lighter way could actually be healing or clarifying
But another part of me wonders if I’m just reopening the cycle again.
Fearful avoidants (or people experienced with them):
- How would YOU emotionally receive an invitation like this after a breakup?
- Would it feel overwhelming or comforting?
- Does this dynamic sound familiar to you?
- Am I being naive reopening this door?
- Or can relationships/connections like this sometimes evolve into something healthier once pressure is removed?
I genuinely don’t know if I’m reconnecting from a healthier place now… or just slowly walking back into the same emotional loop. What I’m scared is this invitation will not land as intended, he hasn’t replied yet (he probably won’t for hours or maybe not at all).
I’ve never been in such situation and this is my first time being in love (I’m 33), I’m usually the one pushing people away (I would never lead someone to dating, I was always honest from the start and didn’t allow it to become something). With him, it was so different, I naturally felt safe and after my trip in the island where I met him, we texted for weeks and he convinced me to come to his city and visit him - I fell for it and went and stayed for 3 months, we had the best time, if I put the avoidant stuff aside, we were perfect, everyday together, he would pick me up and we just do stuff all day together, he always came and texted me and wanted to hang out, we went on 2 trips together to some nice islands and had the most romantic experiences, he offered for me to stay with him for the remainder of my trip and I didn’t leave until I had to cus of a new job.
There is a lot of details that I didn’t write but I think I covered all the basis, feel free to ask anything, and I really appreciate any help, support or opinions 🫶