u/CommercialForeign681

Please please read everything before commenting. I'm not homophobic. I'm a gay man. I'm so sorry if this isn't the right place to post this, I'm just hurting so bad right now.

I'm 19 and I've been deconstructing from a really strict Calvinist background. I've been attracted to men since I was little, and I used to think I was the only guy who ever felt this way until I found out that's not true. It made me question everything and I don't even know if I can call myself Christian now. I wish Christianity could accept me, but I look at the history of the gospels and things just don't line up with anything. But it was nice to have a community, and I miss that.

Leaving that aside, I started getting into dating this year because it's my first year in college and I'm meeting all kinds of people, which is great. I've never been physical with anyone before. I've never even held hands with a guy. I've been mostly chatting with guys that are also attracted to men, and I've talked to three guys so far. Just talking stages.

There was this guy I met and he was flirting with me a lot. I've never had any experience like this but he was cute and it lasted pretty much 2 months where we would flirt and sometimes go out. But he would often talk about sexual things and ask me sexual questions out of nowhere and it made me a bit upset, but I was just happy a man I found attractive was interested in me and I just went on with it. He ultimately said something hurtful to me about being a Jew (I'm half Ashkenazi) about a medieval blood libel conspiracy saying that he genuinely questions it and that "he believes it a bit". I stopped texting him as much because I wasn't sure about things anymore. And we literally didn't talk after that

Then another guy I talked to was pretty much the same with the sexual comments out of nowhere. He would also ask me if I'd ever be open to an open relationship because in his last relationship the reason why he broke up with his boyfriend is because he kept having lustful thoughts towards other guys, and his boyfriend didn't like that nor did he want an open relationship. He would also randomly send me pictures of his boxers as we were just having a random unrelated conversation and I stepped up and distanced myself. When I told him that I'd like to get married and maybe adopt kids someday, and that I really dislike casual sex, he laughed at me and said "well what do you want us to do? Go to church?"..

But the guy I stayed with a bit longer (from March to mid-June) actually made me really happy for a while. We talked a lot, we would go out or watch movies, I'd go to his place, kiss, etc. He wasn't as pushy as the others. But last time I went to his place we were watching something in bed and he started touching me, he knew I hadn't done anything before. I told him I was scared, and when he entered me it hurt so bad that I panicked and told him to stop and take it out.

He instantly flipped and got incredibly angry. He told me I'm wasting his time, that he's a busy guy, and when he wants sex he wants it without all the "intimacy baggage". He literally said he hates having to talk to a guy before or after sex because it's awkward, that he gets bored the second he's done and just wants to get back on his phone or do whatever he was doing before he got horny.

And I genuinely felt my chest hurting because man what? I am crying so fucking bad right now because I feel like an absolute fool. My entire childhood, the church hammered it into my head that gay relationships are inherently shallow and driven purely by lust, and that only straight couples have a real balance. Now all those sermons are echoing in my head and I'm having thoughts that they might actually be right and that I should stop before I go to hell.

I logically know that an entire group of people cannot all be like this, and I know there are married, loving same-sex relationships out there. But why is it so fucking hard? I feel like there is something wrong with me because I am attracted to men, physically and sexually but I'm just not like this, nor do I think it's okay. But it seems like every single guy I meet has a huge body count and they view sex as a transaction and I don't see it like that, to me it's one of the most meaningful and vulnerable ways to connect with someone and I'm sitting here like wtf I just had my first kiss a few months ago.

I feel like giving up and I know this is such a stupid rant so please forgive me. I just wish I could be in a long term, happy same sex relationship without all the hookup culture embedded into absolutely everything. I feel like they all viewed me as an object or toy to them and nothing else. The church told me I don't belong but the guys I meet make me feel the same. Are there any people on this sub who are actually in happy, long-term same-sex relationships after leaving the church? It would just be nice to hear from people who are doing well. Also if anyone has any thoughts on how to dismantle those church arguments that would be great, thank you so much. :(