Me, 18F Upset by vulnerability with Gf, 18F
I’ve noticed that every time me (18F) and my girlfriend (18F) have any hint of intimacy, or any vulnerability in that sense face-to-face, I get really shy. This is obviously fine because I haven’t done anything physical before.
I’ve tried pushing myself further, showing a bit more than I’m comfortable with, saying a little bit more than I know to, but I always get really embarrassed and chicken out.
The issue comes with afterwards, I can tell she’s always disappointed because she acts a little colder with me, clearly let down that we didn’t get far. I then get this feeling of dread and disgust within myself that what I did wasn’t enough, and then I get upset with myself and feel like I ruined everything, and that her being disgruntled about it means she only wants me for that. It really upsets me, it makes me feel disgusting for the rest of the day and less comfortable with going further.
Note: I have bad experience from past relationships, as they have been toxic yet the furthest I’ve gone with intimacy in general. So I feel like part of me is nervous to do anything with her because it didn’t go well with anyone else, and I think that has tainted my self-worth alot.
Can I get some feedback on what you think is up or what I should do? I feel really stuck because I don’t want to bring it up and make her feel bad, and I don’t want to ruin our chance of anything.