Thoughts of old relationship (52F) are consuming my (28M) life.
Need honest help, just to clear my mind. Will try to keep this long story short. I’m (28M) currently married (25F) for 3 years and life is great. Beautiful healthy daughter and a son on the way.
Now for the issue. For a two year period of my life, when I was 19 to 20, I was in a relationship with my high school ex’s married mom (44F). I was in a very dark place in my life, between dropping out of college and going back. It started off as her making sure I was okay, I dated her daughter for almost 2 years before initially leaving for college. Friendship, or whatever you call it, grew to the point of a full sexual relationship, and as close to “dating” as you can get. In the back of my mind we both knew there’s no way this could last, she’s married with kids and I had to find a way to start life as a normal young adult. But, we truly seemed to be in love. Our schedules and lives were built around trying to send as much time as possible with each other. We had a plan once I graduated college for her to get divorced (coincided with her youngest graduating high school) and moving out of state together and starting a new life. I cut it off with her when I went to college because it seemed like the right thing to do, logically and more important morally.
3 years later ended up meeting my wife (she knows about the full situation), got married, and have a family now.
Fast forward to today. We haven’t spoke since the day we cut it off almost 8 years ago. I do have one random missed call for her around 4 years ago. I never called back. I’m not sure if she’s still married or not.
There has not been more than 2 consecutive days that I don’t think about her, and genuinely miss her. Every few weeks I’ll have extremely vivid dreams about normal life together with her. I guess what life would’ve been in an alternate reality where we could’ve been together. Makes me depressed/sick the days following, extremely hard to eat. Affects my entire life. She’s the standard that I hold everything in my life around to.
Her birthday is coming up and there’s nothing I want more than to just send her a short, concise text.
Help.