u/Commercial_Wing5646

I almost completely forget it later, remain kind and caring and don't understand why the other is so cold and distant after all. When someone tries to abuse me this way they usually get frustrated by my behaviour. Like I'm being negligent about the fact that they threatened me or publicly shamed me. As I can't remember I don't hold grudges and I'm not afraid of them because I don't even recognize the danger when they approach me.

It makes me so vulnerable to my abusers. Like anyone can harm me without me remembering what they did to me. So no consequences, no responsibility needed to hurt me because I should be the only witness of the abuse and I can't even recall what exactly happened when they hurt me.

Just a slight feeling remains after all. That tells me something is wrong with the other person. But I usually give everyone the benefit of the doubt. If I can't remember anything that they did to me I don't dare to judge them by a single bad feeling and I still openly tell them anything about myself if they have any questions.

I'm often mad at myself for not being able to recognise them when they approach me. I keep asking them who they are and they just smile and say I know who they are but I know nothing. It feels like an old acquaintance just bumped into me and I'm disrespectful if I can't recall where or when we met in the past. I also can't tell if they were someone I liked or someone I had beef with.

I had a stalker who used to find me on my regular routes, made me sign papers for them as they claimed they were my lawyer and I still didn't remember that I ever had a lawyer and signed those papers for them because I knew I had memory gaps and trusted them because I couldn't trust in my own memory. Later I realised that I didn't have a lawyer, I just gave them access to my most vulnerable documents this way.

I can see how this reaction protected me in the past as child. I didn't have to deal with evil, harmful people because I just forgot them and those memories with them all vanished. But now it just makes me be helpless and the process of dissociation just strengthens itself. Whenever I feel helpless it starts again because I know I'm being at someone's mercy and I won't be able to stop them if they want to hurt me.

Sometimes I wish I was distrustful or more avoidant to protect myself. But this is not the life I want to live. I don't want to be afraid of other people, I don't want to watch out for every step I make. I know I can't trust everyone but there's a fight inside me to avoid being a bitter, paranoid person who doesn't believe anymore that people are kind in general.

I just started to remember a certain period of my life. At that time I felt like I lost my reality, my whole support system, I didn't even know who I was exactly and what happened to me. (My dissociation came after a major trauma that my parents caused me.)

I was still a student so my teachers started to test me first. I was able to tell what we learnt about a few weeks ago but couldn't tell what other things happened to me apart from school so they told me they didn't believe me when I said I don't remember something. According to them I just made it up.

Then my parents told everyone that I was just an attention seeker. When I didn't even remember why people did think that about me they told me that won't work on them and I will have no attention for that. I never wanted attention for anything as I was afraid of people so it was good to know I won't get it.

When they heard about that, my parents went to the school and told my teachers that the only way to cope with me is giving me full attention. I had to answer most of the questions, I had to write on the board, I had to be evaluated all the time and if I was tired of this and said no they gave me a bad grade to "learn where my place was". This way I was being forced to cooperate in every class that I was shy in and usually did some drawing at the back of the room instead of listening before.

Later I was told that I was doing drugs. I never tried drugs and I couldn't even have a chance because I had to live a very isolated life, I was not allowed to leave the house and had no money. Nevermind, they just tried to convince me with the "fact" that everyone knows that about me already so there's no point of denying after all. I admitted that to stop them pushing me even further. Then they said it was a breakthrough moment.

Then my parents told everyone that the Evil possessed me. It felt ridiculous but others somehow believed that too. I remember visiting a classmate's house to prepare for a presentation years after I started to dissociate. Her mother showed me the cross on the wall with Christ on it. She said I couldn't enter their home because of my own safety as something brutal would happen to me if I would be in the same room with that cross. I touched it to see what would happen, but nothing happened apart from them being super offended.

Then my family shared a cry story about me being schizophrenic and having hallucinations. So whenever I tried to talk about the abuse I suffered at home I was labelled again with false memories and personality disorders and that kind of labeling led to even more dissociation.

I was quite good at acting. I played any roles that others would expect me. I didn't believe that I could be myself anymore because I was never seen for who I was. Then they told me my true nature was an evil sociopath and the acting was my kind nature but they won't fall for it.

I came to a point where my parents convinced my whole surroundings that I was being hysterical and I should be beaten to stop my bad behaviour but unfortunately they can't beat me because I would report them. A few people in my school even tried to beat me but I couldn't comprehend what was happening and didn't understand why they wanted me to get hurt.

Once I met someone I fell in love with and my father sat him down for an important man-to-man conversation. I couldn't be there but my partner told me later what happened. My father told him that I was still a child in an adult's body and he had to raise me because I was still immature. Then he offered money to my partner to f*ck me and this way cure my unbearable insanity. At home my mother interviewed me how sex was with him as they wanted some proof that it really happened.

I became suicidal. I couldn't tell why I wanted to d** because I still couldn't remember everything. I only knew that I couldn't take it anymore. I went for walks alone to find a nice spot to **ng myself. But every time I found myself finally alone my thinking started to clear and I didn't want to d** anymore. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't pinpoint what it was actually.

Now I know that it was the constant defamation as my parents tried to rewrite my reality by convincing others that the problem was me.