u/Common-Salt-1072

How do you see God now?

I honestly am dealing with some weird toughts and I feel like I have no place to land, I wasn't a spiritual kid before the jw, I hated going to catholic church on sundays with my parents when they were from said faith but for the past 13 years I have never feel like God was good or interested in me at all, I was never one of those JW's who saw him as a friend to have a close relationship with, in fact, when I was pimi I always saw him like someone who was just taking notes of my mistakes. My prayers were always like an automatic dialogue I made over they years and after waking up some days I still automatically pray even tho I feel like it's going nowhere. But somehow I still feel like there is someone up there altought now I accepted that there's a real chance of nothing being out there. I am in an all time low too so maybe is me just wanting an easy answer over a hard question but I don't know, my life has been a completely mess since I decided to stop, but coming back is no longer a choise now that I know what I know about them. I am basically dealing with my entire faith and on top of that with an avoidant relationship with someone, so of course I am dealing with a lot of stuff in my head because of it and no one to talk about it

I have posted a couple o times here telling you guys how the last 5 years of my life as pimi were completely miserable because I had no friends outside but also people from the inside were very polite but distant, also I never got assigned parts on platform other than the mid week bible lecture each 3 months, so I had no one to talk to nor motivation to keep going. I was watching Chris Sruckmann's story of how he left the jw and he talked about 'being marked' (I had no idea that was a thing) and he said something about people just not talking to you because you mean bad association.

I have not preached house to house since covid lockdown, I never had a student nor was ever close to have one, I never raised my hand on the meetings unless forced by my dad, and never parricipates thst much in social events. I haven't been invited to social events other than a wedding last year (where nobody talked to me) despite me knowing they have like an online group where they make plans to the movies or to the park, to play sports or board games almost each week. I stopped going on January and haven't been on a meeting since and nobody has really aproached me about it, this month marks my 3rd in a row with no monthly report and the first time I declined giving a part on platform (another bible reading). Fun thing, one time like 2 months before the beard change a sister (mother of a girl from the hall I liked) saw me downtown with like a 3 days beard (I struggled a lot with irritation and cuts while shaving because of my facial skin so I only did it before meetings) and the face she made when she saw me made me realize I was never gonna date her dauther.

So, is there a chance I have been marked?

These weeks I have been in the middle between casually going to the meetings again and not coming back at all, and I decided to not come back, I am done with them, but I want to know tips for fading without them noticing or without them pressuring that much because I don't want to lose the comunication with mom just because 3 idiots in suits say so.

I (25M) stopped going on January and as of today they have not even asked me how am I doing or why haven't I been attending which kind of confirms me that maybe I was seen as bad association for the congregation (that would explain why nobody wants to talk to me). Haven't been on the service since like 2020 altought I would preach casually at work when the topic was convenient so my monthly report was always positive. I stopped reporting too, I haven't sent the last 3 reports and when asked (because that's the only message from the brothers that I get) I just say 'no I don't have a report'. How long can I expect a call or a visit to see 'whats up' with me? Should I avoid it? Should I say I need time? Should I say the truth?

I dated a non jw for like two months but we didn't commit the 'big sin' if you know what I mean, and also they never knew about it so like, besides that, they have no reason to suspect I did something wrong or that I am out because I am hiding something, I just don't want to go to the hall anymore. Watching Geoffrey Jackson destroy all of what I believed in the span of 2 hours (the Australian Commision) and the recent blood change just made me go completely out mentally and I am sure as hell that if meeting were already boring while being pimi they will be a completely nightmare now that I don't believe them

Small context, I am 25, I am (technically) still a JW but I lost all hope in January and started to take it less serious. I stopped preaching during covid and this year I stopped going to meetings a giving parts in the mid week meeting (I never had privileges so my parts were bare minimum). No brothers have approached me yet about me not going to meetings which is a weird mix between 'cool' and 'I mean nothing to them'. Dad said like a month ago that they wanted to have a sheparding visit that has not happened yet but I plan to avoid anyway. My goal was becoming inactive and then keep fading to keep my family as long as posible (parents and sister) but I am feeling very weird these days, I'm always sad, always mad and always numb.

I wanted some advice from people that felt the same (I am sure there are) to know how to deal with all of that, my brain is still wired in this weird way that I still feel fear and shame about everything, I grew up seeing God more as an executioner than a friend, every single time I think about him is with fear, I also have not a strong bond with my family, if anything, I kind of talk to mom, but that's all, congregation is just a collection of old faces I have seen for 13 straight years since I was a kid but I don't see anything change anytime soon. A lot of things are starting to 'wake up' inside me. I want friends, I want a girlfriend, I want my own place and I want to not longer be a prisioner but I really don't know how to overcome the fear, I am getting sick, I barely have mental energy to survive my shit at work and I feel like if things keep going this way I won't make it too far, and honestly... That scares me a lot.

As the only male kid out of 3 siblings my dad always taught me that I should be the 'tough guy' so emotions from my side were not allowed. That mixed with religion telling me that love was conditional made me an expert into shutting all my emotion off at will, that allowed me to cope with life while growing up but also made me a very distant person and it made me suffer in silence for so many years. Now I don't know how to get along with people, I either go all in or don't go at all (the famous black or white jw mentality). I am so done living like that and so angry that I couldn't face real life problems growing up.

This ended a little more like a vent but I still would aopreciate your words and tips, thank you