I’m done with God, Praying, the Church, and whatever
Hello all,
This is a new experience for me but I truly feel this was my last straw. This is going to be a long rant and I’m sorry. Idk if people will really read this but it’s good to know that there’s a sub here that may have people with similar experiences. I have been a Catholic my whole life. Attended Saturday School as we call it at my church in Los Angeles when I was young. Started going to Catholic School in 3rd grade up until high school. Learned how to pray maybe just not long after I was able to form complete sentences as a child. Have Catholic symbols in my room by way of Santo Nino, St. Thomas Aquinas, Mother Mary, and of course Jesus. My dad would always remind me to pray every night to which I did even when I moved out and left for college when he couldn’t remind me daily. However, after today I truly feel that God does not care and if he has a “plan” for me, I’m not going through with that bullshit.
As mentioned, I was Catholic born and raised but up until recently I began to start doubting my faith and this morning was truly the last straw. I also looked back on all the good and bad that’s gone in my life to determine if I truly have been “punished” and “rewarded” for being a good Catholic. My family has never been perfect and I can tell you, with all the anger towards each other and resentment some of my family has, it’s the first thing that started making me think God isn’t real. My sister died a week after she was born back in 2002 and it left my mom in the deepest state of depression she’s ever been. More so than now. My dad while successful has also had a lot more downs than ups and I’m starting to think his ups aren’t because of God’s help but by his own perseverance. Lastly for family problems, my mom’s side of the family had the biggest infighting ever back in 2023 right as I’m applying and getting ready for law school. My grandpa, bought two duplexes back in LA across the street from each other when he first emigrated the family to America from the Philippines. My family grew up in one of the duplexes and the one across the street was occupied by other family, family friends, and for my entire childhood and up until I graduated college my family and I moved there. He had the dream of his children and grandchildren to own the two homes in the future. Well that dream came crashing down when his wife (my honestly horrible Grandma) sold the house out of spite of my mom and one of her sisters. My other aunt (the eldest) supported selling the houses which in turn left my other aunt who is disabled homeless for some time and my parents had to rush looking for a new place to live. This was when I started to doubt God because why would he allow such a thing to happen. Why would he allow my aunt with a disability to go through that? Why would he allow my grandma to torture my mom throughout her life and she still gets to enjoy the riches that my grandpa left behind when he died? Why does my mom have to suffer so much with the loss of a child, having to deal with my grandma and other family, and then losing the houses she grew up in? Why would he put this amount of stress and pressure on my parents who have done their best to be good people while the openly bad people (grandma and aunt) get absolutely no sort of punishment?
The next of my doubts came around my personal life. I’m in my mid 20s now and as mentioned, I was applying to law school. Well I got in and started law school in fall of 2024. I should’ve been getting ready for my final year of law school this fall but I’m no longer there. When I started law school, my family and I just finished moving to a new place right after the whole family fiasco. I thought that God was really looking out for me now, that this win wasn’t just going to be my win but a win for my parents and I. Well I was FUCKING wrong. My first semester of law school, I was at the bottom half of my class. I studied my ass off and prayed to God to help me do well. I didn’t straight up ask him to just hand me good grades. I always knew that yes I can pray but I also need to put in the work. I put in that work and bam I has straight Cs and was ranked near the bottom of my class. I still put my trust in God that things would get better but they didn’t. When second semester rolled around, I started to have health issues I never experienced like high blood pressure, severe anxiety, hyperventilating. Not sure if these are considered health issues but it’s stuff I never experienced growing up. Not to mention I was a recent college graduate who also played collegiate athletics. I was at my peak from a physical standpoint. In addition to those problems, I had a faculty member and one of my professors tell me to consider a career change or to basically leave law school. Didn’t get an ounce of encouragement or hope that it would get better in law school. This truly broke me as it felt like I didn’t truly belong at the school but I put my trust in God ONCE AGAIN to see if things would get better. By the end of semester two, I improved my grades substantially and thought this was God’s help. I wanted to transfer to a new law school as a result in hopes of a better environment for me to learn and grow. I prayed to God to help me get somewhere new for law school. A fresh start even. However, I was denied from pretty much every law school as a transfer. Even ones ranked lower than the one I was at. I thought it was a sign from God to just go back and push through at my now former school. I went back for the fall semester of my second year and even though I did better, I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle the atmosphere and the fact I went somewhere that I truly didn’t think wanted me there. I did some “soul searching” and “talked” to God about what I should do and well I decided to pivot my career slightly. I won’t go into detail as it’s a completely different and long story but it did align with law a little bit as well as my other hobby in sports. I even made a “promise” to myself, my parents, and God that after this change I would go back to law school somewhere else to finish what I started. So I for this somewhat new path, I applied to a masters program at multiple schools to get a degree and ensure I can finally startup my career and well my life anew. For the first time in a while I truly had hope. I was enjoying my time off school and studying and was patiently waiting for a decision from this program. I was doing my best to be a good son to my parents. I also got to bond with my mom more as an adult which I haven’t been able to do in the last few years since I’ve been in school. I prayed everyday and thanked God for each opportunity and day as well as helping me find a possibly new start. However today, just an hour ago, after months of waiting for a decision for this masters program, I was denied from the school I wanted to go to. In addition, I was denied from my second choice and my third choice while I was accepted and is a great school was way too expensive as it was in NYC and my family and I don’t have the money to pay off such a big loan. That student loan let’s just say with how the world is right now, I’d be paying that off late into my 40s and maybe early 50s especially when you factor in a New York apartment, and the cost of attendance and other expenses as that school. I was really banking on my first two choices as they were substantially cheaper and actually offered the best opportunities for my career as they are Division 1 schools. This broke me. I cried before ranting about this. Days, weeks, months, years of praying to God. Praying that things would work out. Doing my part in this physical world of working hard and seeing if it’s enough to answer my prayers. Nothing.
I did some true reflecting at breakfast before typing this. I looked back at everything in my life. All the good was because one my parents’ job is to of course provide and ensure I have a good upbringing. It’s not because of God. It’s because it is my parents’ job and they did a damn good one that I will appreciate for the rest of my life. My debt is to them not to God. All the bad that’s happened? A consequence of my actions and of course humanity is just wicked. Why would God allow such wickedness if he truly loves us? I’m so sick and fucking tired of God just sitting around. I haven’t been the perfect person by a mile but I do my due diligence and what’s expected of a half decent person. I may not have been the best student, son, friend, teammate, etc. but I for damn sure have empathy and the decency any person is expected to have. I standup for my family, I work hard, I pray for others, I do basically just do my fucking best every damn day and I can tell you, there has been more downs than ups in my 20+ years being on this Earth. I truly after today. A day I was hoping where my life would turn around not just for me but my family, do not believe in God anymore. Getting into this program at this school was the best path for me career wise and financially. It wasn’t just going to be a win for me. It was going to be a win for my parents and I. I was going to share this win with them. I was going to treat my parents to a nice dinner in celebration. I was already dreaming of the day I graduated from this school and program and hugging my parents telling them, things are gonna get better. All I needed was a little grace from God. Just a little fucking grace for the all the hard work I put. Just for one fucking prayer to actually be answered. But no, nothing. Silence from God. Jack shit from God. I don’t have a law school to go to. I don’t have a masters program to do. I have a college degree from an amazing school but today’s society, a bachelors just isn’t enough to get a job that’ll let you make a decent living. Not only that, that wasn’t because of God. It was because of me. I went to school and did the work. Not God. They say Jesus died for our sins and what not but here we are. Suffering. Bad people seem to be rewarded more than those who are good. I’m sick of it. I see all these bad people who go to these good schools. Who gets these good jobs and screw over good people to get there. Is it jealousy? Maybe, I don’t know. But I can tell you for damn sure God isn’t answering prayers. I truly believe that a lot of people just have religious psychosis because I hear all these amazing stories from people who claim to have found or talked to God but then my parents and I have yet to have something truly good and or miraculous happen. People all over the world are fucking suffering. People starving, genocides, homelessness and drugs. You mean to tell me that a small percentage of people “found” God and have spoken to him? BULLSHIT. My problems aren’t as big as a lot of people and I know that, I am blessed that my parents no matter how hard things were for them raising me, they always weather the storm. My dad makes decent money and my mom has always put me before her. Heck you can say I sound spoiled but I never once wanted to make or act that way. I wanted to pay them back with my future and by God’s help, I thought I could. I was blessed with a good upbringing and was hoping my adult life, I could model after my parents and give back to them. But now I truly feel I have no future or direction God doesn’t do shit. He watches people suffer that’s if he’s even real.
Anyways, that is my story. It’s not even the full story but a mere summarization of how I feel. How I truly feel that God doesn’t exist, this was my final straw. It may not seem big but with the way things have gone in my life, I’m lost. I’m at a loss for words. God hasn’t done shit to help me. All the things I’ve done were because of me. My academic and personal accomplishments is because of the work I put it. Not because of some invisible magic being in the sky. It’s just the duty we have as people today in society. I’m done with God, Praying, and doing whatever shit Catholics do. It breaks my heart to say this but I’m just done. I had my doubts about God before but felt like he answered multiple times. Turns out he didn’t and it’s just because I put in the work to ensure something rewarding comes out of it. So this is it. I’m done. I don’t know where to go from here. I’ll leave God to prove me wrong that he’s real because until something truly good or miraculous happens soon, I don’t believe. I have no plan right now. All I can do is try to find work and live life on autopilot. My dreams are dead in the water and God hasn’t done shit to help me reach them. I know I have to put in the work and I’ll do that again when my head is in the right place but I was hoping that God would just lend me a hand for once to make my path a bit smoother. Looks like that isn’t happening so we’ll just have to figure out a new way.
Edit: Gotten a response and few kind messages. Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. For those who have shared an experience much like mine, I’ll do my best to work things out. Your words of encouragement me to do my best still and I hope my words can encourage you as well.