My boyfriend is abusive: help
hi everybody. this is my first time using Reddit so please be nice. I’ve been dealing with a pretty scary situation for a couple years now and I haven’t told anyone in my life about whats been happening I’m just looking to see others opinions, advice, Experience etc. I honestly just need to get this off my chest
for context we’re both 19, I live with my boyfriend and his family, I do have a job and we’ve been together for about four years now. I also have a dog (which becomes important later on)
so my boyfriend has been very abusive to me in our relationship. it comes and goes and there’s times we are perfectly fine and happy but at other times there’s screaming fights, threat, name calling, hitting/punching me. he’s even strangled me and given me countless bruises and scratches. in addition he also threatens to surrender my dog to the shelter if I leave and also repeatedly told me to kill myself, he hates me and wants to kill me. I know….this is awful I’m aware how horrible that all is. I’m struggling a lot mentally with understanding this entire situation. It’s difficult for me to understand how we can he fine and then the next moment something sets him off (always something small and unexpected I’ve tried to talk him down, to be nice, yes I’ve even fought back and when i try to physically leave he either holds me back or blocks my exit)
I really hope someone understand what im feeling because im devastated. I don’t even have the desire to leave him normally it’s only when we have fights where that thought comes to my mind. It’s like these moments dont even happen because we totally ignore it and don’t talk about it at all. He’s even made jokes to me about beating me and I act like it’s funny. I don’t know why I do this and I feel ashamed that I play into it and a part of me feels like I deserve to be abused because Im not actively against it? And I am. I’m not really sure how to explain it its like there’s two versions of myself and one loves this man and would do anything for him and the other one knows he doesn’t feel the same and that I’m in a danger. I just don’t know what to believe or think anymore.
his family knows what’s been happening as well and no one has tried to help me which makes me feel more alone. my biggest concern is my dog. She’s my best friend and the one thing keeping me sane but I do worry about her safety. I’ve never told him I’m leaving him so I don’t know how he will react if I do that. He has told me multiple time he wants to kill me and the way he has looked at me when he said that makes me think he would. My too priority is keeping her safe. he’s shown me he can be impulsive when he’s angry and I would not want to endanger her. he knows she’s my best friend.
i would like to hear it what everyone thinks I just needed to speak about this since I’ve been hiding it from everyone in my life (not really sure why I’m just so embarrassed and feel ashamed) I know everyone says to just leave but it’s really not that simple I’m struggling mentally and financially I’m not in a place where I can safely leave yet. there’s a lot more that has happened and more I have to say but I don’t want to make this long. thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this and I’d appreciate any responses
TL:DR: my boyfriend is physically and emotional abusive to me. I’m trapped with no money to escape and I’m worried about my safety and my beloved dogs safety. Looking for advice/other people’s experiences