I (23F) broke up with my bf of 6 years (24M). I am struggling with my decision and wondering if he is right.?
Sorry this is going to be long.. but I think full context needed. Throwaway because I know he’s on Reddit but not sure if he checks this subreddit.
I (23F) broke up with my boyfriend (24M) of 6 years today and I feel horrible. It hurts way more than I thought it would. We started dating when I was 18 and he was 19… I guess we grew up together and I still love and care about him deeply, which is why this hurts so much. The relationship wasn’t abusive or toxic, but for a long time I’ve felt unhappy and like I was carrying the entire relationship emotionally and financially. Mostly financially?
We have basically been inseparable and living together right away and I’ve paid for almost everything/took care of everything for the majority of the relationship. I was in school and he was working the first two years.. after that it was odd jobs. Then none really. He’s been looking for jobs, but it started feeling like he got too comfortable because he knew I would always work and handle things no matter what because I finished high school, had family that could help when we were having a tough time,had my college diploma, and overall was more professional. As opposed to him not finishing high school and having no post secondary education. Over time I started feeling more like a provider than a partner, and I realized long term I don’t think this relationship is what I want anymore… maybe this was resentment that grew after constant financial struggles we went through and me basically having to deal with them on my own and him being a bit irresponsible with money. There’s other things that bother me but this is the main thing.
Recently I think he’s been feeling it.. as we fought a few days ago and he told me he felt like we were roommates (I felt that way too) and that we aren’t intimate as much anymore (which is true but something I didn’t really realize might’ve been because of him.. I thought it was because of my hormones.) We have had conversations like this before where he talks to me about us not being intimate or asking me if everything is okay.. and telling me to take his feelings into consideration and communicate better. But for some reason I say nothing and never bring anything up. I freeze up and have a hard time talking about my feelings or ask for space.
Fast forward to the recent fight, it happened again - he explained he wants us to be more intimate and wants me to talk to him more. This time it did get a bit heated and he asked if I wanted to be with him. I said no.. then he asked if I was 100% sure and I obviously got scared and said idk and retracted what I said.
After that conversation we were fine, I went to stay at my parents. Not because I needed space but because my job is 10 minutes from their place and it’s easier for me to stay there when I need to be in office. I have been thinking about this for maybe a year now.. but more strongly recently. So after this long week of reflection, I finally broke up with him. But now I can’t stop crying and questioning myself because I still love him so much. When I told him I said I love you but I think we need to break up. I didn’t give him much, just that I’m not happy. Part of me feels relief, but another part of me feels like I just lost my best friend.
The whole financials part is where I feel extremely guilty because I know this affects his stability too. I’m worried about him constantly and kept asking him what he will do. I even sent some money and told him I would help cover things while he figures shit out because I feel like I’ve basically pulled the rug from under his feet/pulled the plug.
He did not yell at me and he was very calm. He asked me if he should pack my stuff, figure out our shared phone plan, etc. He mainly wanted to know why and if it was something he did. We did not talk all day after that, until about 30 minutes ago he calls and asks if we can fix this and why I didn’t just talk to him about exactly what was bothering me. He tells me I jumped straight to breaking up and asks me if this will be a break or permanent so he can get some closure and figure out how to cope without me. He feels I am throwing away 6 years.
I don’t know why I didn’t tell him exactly why. I feel like the main reason I didn’t really go into detail about the financial part when we talked all these times is because it felt really hard to say without it sounding like I was attacking him or listing everything he “did wrong.” In the moment of the breakup I just defaulted to “I’m not happy,” because it felt like the simplest and least hurtful way to explain something that is actually very complicated.
But the truth is a big part of my unhappiness did come from feeling like I was carrying most of the responsibility in the relationship over time. I think I struggled to bring that up properly throughout the relationship, and instead of addressing it directly I kind of let it build into resentment. That’s clearly something I need to work on.
I still care about him a lot and I don’t want to paint him as a bad person, because he isn’t. This is just the reality of how I was feeling in the relationship over time, even if I didn’t express it well when we spoke.
Is he right? Should we just talk about this and try to fix this? I’m driving myself crazy.