u/Common_Fork

I’m quiet and don’t have a lot of friends.

I had an emotional affair sometime ago, that ended years ago. I still think of her everyday. It’s mentally exhausting. I miss talking to her, hearing from her, listening to her voice.

It started with her suggesting we do friend activities like taking a walk to talk, or attending those game rooms with her and a group of her friends. Going to an amusement park. No hotels. No screwing. Friend stuff.

I love my wife, but it made the days easier to get through knowing I had another human to socialize with and talk to.

We went no contact years ago, and blocked eachother. I know we blocked eachother cuz I tried to reach out once within the week, and my message didn’t go through. It’s been years, and y’know…the world just kind of sucks right now and it’d be nice to hear from her. So I texted her, I said I’ve been thinking about her, and asked how she was. The message went through, but I never got a response.

MOVE ON.

I know. I’m not looking for advice. I don’t really want an affair. I feel as there are parts of the affair that has left me emotionally scarred. The secrecy, the lying, the pain when it ended and watching the pain I caused others.

I don’t want to live through that again.

Man…I just miss that blunt way that she speaks. Holds nothing back. We would text every hour every day for years it felt like. Probably wasn’t healthy, but I miss it.

I don’t know if therapy is helping.

I went into therapy around COVID. I strayed from my marriage and I needed help sorting my decisions out.

I’m still with my wife 6 years later. Marriage is better and I don’t want to talk about my marriage anymore with a therapist. I don’t want to talk about my job, my parents, my brothers and sister.

I’m angry all the time when I feel like I’m inconvenienced, but I hold it in.

My therapist nudges me to improve the relationships around me, and I don’t want to hear it. Lately I’ve been calcifying, withdrawing from all relationships besides a few working ones and my wife

Typical conversation with my therapist

“I don’t want to have dinner with my in-laws.”

“Yes. But isn’t that part of being married? Wouldn’t your wife be happy that you’re there with her?”

“She would. But being there is miserable. I don’t know how to talk to them. I don’t want to interact with them.”

“I understand you are miserable around your in-laws, and find them annoying, but you can’t do it for an hour?”

“I don’t want to.”

Of course I can put up with it. And I do. But why is it so miserable for me?

I keep looking at the $4k I pay a year, and it’s not a knock on him, but I think I’d be happier with the extra money in my pocket and 1hr a week back of my time