Friendships vs. Community
My question for all of you: How do you go about building community? I have a lot of individual friendships, but don’t have a strong community support system.
Here is how I define community:
—Consistency
—Shared rituals
—Ongoing commitment to each other
—Doing life together
—Mutual effort
I feel with my individual friendships, they are very low stakes. Maybe we’ll see each other twice a week, maybe we won’t see each other for several weeks. It feels like people phase in and out, which is normally fine because that’s life and we’re all busy, but I’d love something more meaningful and self-sustaining.
I had a health scare this week. When I was in the emergency room, one of my best friends (who lives in a different country) asked who I’d call to sit with me. I realized that I don’t have anyone in my city, aside from my ex-boyfriend, who I’d truly feel comfortable calling. The three friends who have been the most present and supportive all live out of state.
The few local friends who I’ve told seem sympathetic, but don’t really seem to grasp the gravity of the situation and aren’t proactively helping or checking in. Ultimately, my ex-boyfriend is the person who is taking me to appointments and offered to take care of me after my upcoming surgery. I don’t want to sit around and complain about my health. It would honestly be nice to watch a dumb show with someone and just have some company.
What I have already tried:
—I work at a non-profit and have been friendly with my coworkers. I have even made work friends who I’ve celebrated holidays with.
—I am in two monthly book clubs.
—I recently joined a hiking club.
—I volunteer at an animal shelter twice a week.
—I go to yoga a few times a week, but mainly say “hello” and “goodbye” after class.
—I put effort into friendships, including reaching out first, thinking of things to do together, and driving out of my way to see people.
—I host a few gatherings a year at my apartment.
My point is… I’m relationship-oriented and I’m really trying, but it still doesn’t feel like there is stable ground beneath me. This situation is making me realizing that I’m still more alone than I’d like to be.
So… what do you do? I just went to church for the first time in about 15 years and they’ve already offered to jump in and help me after surgery, which is more than my local friends of 10+ years have done. I also want to add that I do my best to show up for people during good and bad times. I would love to give to a community, not just receive.